Running As Fast as I can

Running away from everything I once knew. I'm running from the life I once lived. There won't be a life to come back to after this. The memories of my old life, it's odd how things got this way. I'm still not sure what forever means, still not sure how love is supposed to work. Hell, I'm not even sure if I can make it in the real world. Right now, I'm diving head first into the ocean. Am I even ready for this? Can it be true that it's time so soon? Leaving everything I held dear to start a new life with them. What am I going to do?

You're My God?

You're yelling and screaming, drowning in the ocean of your own tears. When did Alice start watching others suffer in her Wonderland? I'm sorry you've done this to yourself. I'm so sorry you thought you could be God. Well honey, if you're God then I'm an atheist for a damn good reason. It's over and done with, there's nothing you can say that can save yourself. So God, start praying for some forgiveness. Maybe your God is kinder than you are. Maybe your God will understand your sins?

At Least I Have a Band-Aid

My thumb's bleeding darling. Will you suck out the blood? Would you suck out my heart? I feel like it's breaking again. I never thought a heart could ache so much when you're so deeply in love. Darling? What's wrong with me today? What was wrong yesterday? I'm not alone yet the solitude is surrounding me on all sides. I'm not alone yet my body is a cold as the tundra. When you're in love, isn't it supposed to be warm? Hot with passion, cool with temptation? No one told me about the cold, I didn't have time to bundle up. Where's the kisses in the rain, love story moments? When was love changed on me? I have to admit, the sour makes the sweet that much sweeter. Can you feel me screaming silently into the air? Can you hear my blood dripping on the carpet? Please tell me I'm not alone when I go crazy over your love. Is this what love is supposed to feel like?

The Drive Home

When we can't be together, my mind gets mixed up in all sorts of things. I can't tell if I'm paranoid or just worried. Maybe I'm selfish, wanting all your smiles to be mine. I want to be your escape, your happy place. I've been bothered recently about things I know I shouldn't worry about, about things that don't even concern me. I've been watching from afar as my only friend starts to leave me. Maybe it's because I've never been this alone in my life, or maybe it's that I can't let go. Things that never used to scare me, now render me hopeless and frightened. I know it's stupid of me to feel this way but I can't stop it. I'm not even sure how to stop it. I can't ask for things, I can't say things, because all my words don't sound right. I don't want to be too demanding, I can't be assertive. I've had to do things on my own and it's like stepping off the shelf in the ocean into that void. I'm scared and running out of air. I don't want to bother you to help me, I don't want to ask for help because I know they have more important things to do. Now, one by one, my friends are leaving me behind and I can't help it, I can't change it, and soon you'll be the only one I have left. I don't want to put that stress on you. I don't want to be a burden. I need you too hold me tight or at least hold my hand. I can't just jump out into the world, I can't just change. I need you to help me.

Face Me, Fight Me

You put the rules on me, always trying to bring me down. You limit my internet, restrict my books and yet you still have no power. Handcuff my hands together and I'll still write. I like this little game we play, where you think you have any sense of power and I break all your rules anyway. I'm a force and there are many more like me, so many more who will fight back. We are the the ones who learned how not to break the rules and yet break them at the same time. We learned how to fight the power and never get in trouble. You live in a world of contracts and limitations; a world where the rules are outlined and there are no ways around them. You live in a world where you cannot escape the pens and papers you signed. We are the loop holes, the system breakers and the code chasers. We read the fine print, we know where your power ends. We know how to swim off the deep end. The more rules you impose, the more creative we get.

You Won't Notice

When I put on my mask, no one can tell. I'm dancing with her, now you, them, and you'll never know who was just holding your hand. My mask is colorful with glitter and stars. All you can see are my blue eyes. As we dance, you'll keep guessing. I won't tell but I'm your prince, your princess, lover, friend. I'm your dream. Behind this mask, I'll be anyone and you'll fall in love with a stranger. All the things you wanted to hear, all the lies I could tell just to make you smile. For one night, you'll feel like a queen in my company. Don't doubt me, just know I can. Forever and ever. I'll dance around your dreams. Just don't lift my mask.

Shy Girl's Lover

She's so small, you wouldn't see her in the crowd. She wears all the colors of the rainbow to stand out, yet she's still just a shadow in the background. People use her and abuse her. Her heart's been tormented, broken and strangled so she knows how to find real love by now. She's got a lot to offer to a friend who will see her. Every day, she walks those halls, being bumped and knocked down over and over but when that last bell rings, that shy girl becomes someone again. For there, across the lot is a silver chariot with a hero ready to see her. She slides in and he notices her. He loves her smiles, loves her eyes, loves her skin. He sees the things that no one else sees in this one girl. When the whole world walks by her, he stops and asks for her hand. He's a shy boy, no one saw him before her. Now they are over looked by most but the eyes on them as they kiss, they see that this is no normal love. This shy girl found her shy boy. Gave him her daring heart and kissed away his pain. He's her lover, that strange hero.

Dancing On Top Of The Flames

I won't back down without a fight. I refuse to just back out. This is my match and I'm gonna win that prize. I've never been a very honorable person but this is my second chance and I won't let them crush it. They keep talking but I'm the one with a machine gun. "Go on and talk!" I shout into the open air. "This is my game, time to play my cards, you know you don't have a chance." My weaponry is open and the ammo is well stocked. Sometimes, you have to be your own hero. I'll let him rest, he's fought well. Now this is one battle no one else can fight. I've got this. Be it Magician or Devil, I'll be ready. Anyone who tried to rip me down, they're gonna get burned by my flames. I have the gasoline in my veins and this war can go on for as long as you want. Keep getting up, I'll keep hitting harder. You can't win this. All those lies you told them, it's coming back for you. I'll get my forces back up. It my fault for getting lazy, thought I was secure but I can quickly remedy that. You are nothing but a puppet and I'm gonna cut you off your strings. Face me if you dare and bring your whole army cause I'll win and you know it.

The Beat, That Bass

Out in the world, been rejected and suffocated. I hear something deep, feel it in my bones and I can't help but follow. The sweet sound of violins but that can't be it. I enter the club, so many people. Faces I knew, faces of torment and I'm ready to run away in fear. Then there's a pause and and then a drop I feel through my feet. My heart beats with it and I can't help but dance while that bass drops over and over. My heart alive and suddenly, the crowd is gone. It's just me dancing with a stranger. I know his face, I know this pull and before I can run away, the bass draws me to the green eyes. I don't give it a second thought as his arms wrap around me. Bass has me hypnotized into this lovers eyes and I'm not scared of anything, not focused at all. It's just me and him and it's perfect.

Lost Memories

If you fall in love over candy, is it sweet? I once fell in love over candy and it tasted sweet. I always did love the taste of something I had always wished for. He was my prince. So sweet I got a cavity drilled right into my confidence. No matter what he did, I always did doubt myself. It was no one's fault, just my insecurities playing in my head. What was my fault was what I decided to do to try and fix it. I broke his heart over and over again thinking it would be better apart. Well I'm almost always wrong. Every time, I knew I would never be whole without him. Then one day he drew a line and told me we couldn't keep doing this. I had one last chance to prove everything I could be, that I could change. Well I certainly did a bang up job of that. One moment, I'm trying to make it work and the next I'm crying alone. I wish I knew what happened but I don't even remember. So now I'm alone. I wish I knew why but I don't remember. Everyday and night, I run my fingers over the memories, tracing them back through the days. I want to cry but I'm stronger than that.

Introduction to Chaos

That's it. Gone for so long and still more time left till he comes back home. He'll be a changed man but I plan to change just as much. That damned angel stole my heart but I'm taking it back now. I'm starting this over with the rules clearly posted. I'll play his game but I won't lose. Now I've gone and found perfect chaos. As my prince leaves as instructed, chaos finds me in the darkest nights. First one random conversation and now, everyday, I hear his call. Always talking. He wants to know more, wants to listen yet wants to speak. Chaos has gripped my life but I know how to break free. As illusive as a ghost, this chaos will appear onto me and only me. Our souls playing chess, seeing who can win. Chaos in the form of a human. He'll play this game too. Now the game is set and it's his turn. What's his first move? I'm prepared. My prince, I'll watch him move on and hold my tongue cause he's got to keep forward. I'll always love him and that will be forever the baggage he carries. A little part of me inside his soul and he'll always know that under this sky, I'm watching out for him cause I'll always love him. As he walks slowly away from this train wreck, I'll be picking myself off and prepare for flight. Heaven or Hell, I'll fly off to where ever. This chaos is the first step.

The Problems of a Lost Dreamer

Our problem was more of my problem. Our pains were my fault. I've taken time to understand that I'm the one breaking us apart. I know I'm the problem. This lost soul in a sea of harsh faces. I'm not really ready to face it alone but I have to try sometime. When one person become to source of all the pain, you should just leave them alone to sort out their own life. I wasn't one to start setting all the examples. Hardly the one to put the bar up so high if I can't even touch it. Hard to say I'll be all right but I think the way the world turns is enough to keep me rolling through. I keep looking back when I'm free. I keep seeing all those smiles all those days ago. I remember how it felt to be loved and to feel like everything belonged. When we are together, I keep looking forward cause I can't see a future without pain. We don't belong together. I was just a filler for the time passing. You thought I was the one for you but I knew it couldn't be true. I knew my time would come. Well I've taken this as far as I could reach but we just weren't meant to be. I know I'll cry for you. I've fought for you and held on for you. Pasted on a smile for you and given up for you. I've been there all that I can but you have to stand on your own two feet. I can't help you. I can't even dream to solve everything you want me to. I'm never gonna fill in that hole in your heart. Someday, someone else will love you for who you are. They'll fill that hole and take you home. They can give you what you want. So I'll become a butterfly. You'll still see me but I don't think we'll talk all that much. She'll be your number one and I'll be happy for you. I tried as hard as I could to mold myself into someone good for you but every time, I end up back in my old shape. I can't change who I am and how I act. I can't help you anymore. I know you still want me to lie and say that we will be perfect together. You want to believe in 'Happy Ever After' no matter what. I'm sorry but your fairy tale doesn't start with a prince and princess but it will end with one. Just let me fly away to be with the butterflies cause I'm a dreamer lost in my dream. I'll never be all that you want of me. I'll still be a dreamer. I'll always be the same. Can't you see the only reason we came this far was for you to let go of me. I'm a butterfly. I want land. I love you but you have to let me go.

A New Day

The maze of our heart never solved. The explanation of the world never over. Never satisfied with today's results. Yet impossible, dreams offer insight to the world outside these limitations. Stop talking, start listening. Hear what they say. Hear what they scream. Hear this world. Once the world becomes silent, the power behind a baby's smile is clear. The force that drives the flower to bloom is astounding. Wrapped up in words always spoken, you can't understand what you miss. Shut your mouth and open your eyes. It's not hard. You've never been the one to be quiet, always speaking your mind. You've never second guessed yourself and you go with whatever feels right. Now it's time for you to slow down and listen to your dreams. Hear the cry of the baby and know what she wants. Listen to her breath as she sleeps. Take care of her. Shield her for as long as you can from the cruel outside world. She is yours to teach, to take, to defend. Inside her smile lies the key to the very existence of life. She is more than you will know. In her presence, you are inferior. Don't hold her to your standards, hold her higher. Teach her what it means to love, to lose. She will be everything the world needs. She is Yours. You are me. She is mine. This baby girl will bring the world to peace. She will be someone great but she has to learn from you. Her first teacher will be your smile. Let her explore. Let her grow. Let her be who she was always meant to be. Perfection, power, and love.

Envy

"You never know how much you love someone until you watch them love someone else." For all this time, it is easy to think everything is fine and over. It's easy to get lost in a dream land but then that moment comes when you watch yours love another. That's when the heart starts to fall apart. All those imaginary walls crashed down to reveal what's really happening. Remembering those times where you were under their arm, fingers intertwined, talking about everything. Now that's gone and there's no taking it back. No time machine, no reset button, just today's pain. Never take what you have now for granted because today's smile could become tomorrow's tear.

What is this?

I can feel it inside my heart, exploring every crack and wrinkle. I held his hand for so long and while it seemed weird, I couldn't understand why I couldn't bring myself to let go. Something inside me wanted our hands to be joined together for eternity. I didn't want it end yet I knew I had to let go before I did something I would regret. No matter what, I don't think I could handle him flying away. As much as it would be better for me, something inside him is mine. Something inside me is him and oh how I wish he knew how much I've tried to change for him. To become the person that my angel can be happy with. I wanted nothing more than to have him hold me close in sweet eternity now, it seems it's just a privilege to know I'm breathing the same air as him. It's hard to understand but it all makes sense in my head. Can I let him go? No, I don't think that's possible. If he ever left this world, I would chase after him even if he would never be with me, I just want him to know how much I truly feel for him. All that I am, my being, is his. Every breath I exhale, is for him. Every tear I shed and laugh that comes out of my mouth, it's all for the chance to see him. I'll never feel this ever again in my life and I want to make the most of it. I want to hear every word he has to speak. Every pulse in his veins, I live for them all.

Depression, Inspection, Perfection.

Night time brings a sense of deep thought to my head. As I try so hard not to get lost in my mind's inner maze, certain things bring me to become lost. So many things I wish I could take back. So many things that keep me awake at night, just wishing things could be different. I don't want to lose sleep over mistakes. I just want to be cradled softly in the arms of my sleeping angel. I don't want to inspect my life under a microscope, I just want things to make sense. After all my failures, it's become impossible to look past them. While new friends have never even known for me so failure, they soon see how badly my life leaves prints on everyone around me. Should I be thankful that people will remember me? Or should I cry in the thought that one day, I will want to be forgotten? When my insanity finally gets the better of me, will I be perfect? Was the plan outlaid for my life end with me laughing to myself and losing all I felt need to have in my life? I don't pretend to know what my future may hold but with the road I travel, I don't feel like I'll have another option other than insanity. I've changed so much over these past months but I feel as if it was all in vain. Possibly, I will receive the fortune of existing in a world where no one knows my face. Maybe then I'll regain the remaining parts of my head. Till that day I will watch. I will wait.

Oppurtunity

The chance to do something you have wished to do for so long has arisen and what will you do? Will you take advantage, gain the upper hand and do what you have so longed to do? Or will you watch behind curtains, watching those chance just slip by into the night? No matter how much I wish to react, I cannot start without cause. I have been watching, waiting for moments to come and go. Whilst I would love to take the world head on and challenge the ideas of others, I only react because that was how I was made. How I wish you could see my attempts to gain your promise. How I want you to hear my silent pleas for you. Can you hear me at all or am I just that girl you will never hear no matter the date or time? One day, i'll bring myself to take a chance. One day I'll learn how to use this voice of mine. Just please don't let me get carried away....

Burn it All.

All these papers on the ground. Drawings of my inner mind. Places I've been, places I'm afraid to enter, places I remember and some I've forgotten till now. Word written on walls, prayers of those demons. Let those claws embrace me as I set it all to flame. Let those things burn away. I never existed in this realm of insanity. Flying high above any clouds as my mind drifts from reality to darkness. 'Hold me close?' 'Love me for now?' Pretend play games cause nothing is certain. Drift off into perfect insanity. I love the bite of your tainted heart. Don't say a word, just kiss me till I can't breathe and once I'm dead, kiss me till I rot. You kept my world from stabilizing and I always want to live on drifting. Don't let me come back to normal. Send me drifting and don't you dare try to hold my hand. I want to experience what you live everyday. Let my world spin and spin till I get sick but don't stop me there. I want to fly into fire. Don't make promises, don't you dare offer safety, just kiss me and send me deeper into oblivion. I don't want perfect, I don't want sane, I want you and your snake bitten kisses. We won't wait for each other but we'll greet each other with a perfect kiss. You aren't fooled and you know who I am, as I know you. We aren't to be trusted. So lets run around the world and when we meet up again, we'll still know who we are. We don't trust each other with a heart but kisses are to be traded as fare. We don't love each other. Let us keep it that way.

Faith

Never forget. It's hard to do but never let it slip. Whilst I was crying, I sought you out and as insane as it sounds, I'm glad you were there. I know you couldn't understand what I was saying. I know you were confused. Just know that you were there when I really needed you. I know you have a girlfriend but the fact that you held me close and told me I was okay, those seconds I wanted to last a lifetime. We'll never be together but for a few minutes, you cared about me. I never thought that would happen and in a million years I never thought those things would happen but in my time where I couldn't fall any lower, you were there to pull me to my feet. I don't know how but somewhere in your brown eyes, I saw something for me, just me. That little bit of me inside you will keep me going till the end of time. Love, maybe not, but it was strong. No one cared, no one wanted to pick me up but you held me up. After so much I had gone through, you saw me broken. You saw how I came. You saw my pain, and you wanted to fix me. While that's next to impossible, you did manage to restart a dampened fire inside me. Everyday just making it through each day, nothing held for me and now I feel like I can walk high because you walk on this earth too. Just knowing you're alive makes me want to thaw my heart and be my best. Just another human yet you've done so much for me. Maybe my faith should lye with my own kind.

To Love and Loss

Beautiful, that's what she was. As close to perfection that a human could get. She seemed as if she walked on glitter. Every move she made, I followed close behind. Finally, I asked for her hand. To dance in the dramatic ball of mine. As drama filled as it was, I was surprised to hear her say yes. Thus we danced to our own song. Every step in rhythmic time. Her bright smile kept me dancing through the days. But as she was Cinderella, her mother had some opinions on how her dear daughter should run her life. I was not about to step in the way but I couldn't help but feel my heart break. Another crack before a shatter. One week of our dance. We had known each other two years and we danced for one week. One week and we never saw each other once in that week. One week and I had only had a phone call. Yet somehow, I felt that we couldn't be closer. I felt as if she was there holding my hand when I doubted myself. She was with me, next to me, all the time and yet she was never there. It wasn't much of a relationship yet it meant so much to me, if not the both of us. To be torn apart by an outsider who couldn't grasp the type of love we had, it hurt. It still hurts. it burns my heart. I will miss her.