You Can't Break This

You've made your choice. You didn't even say it to me but I heard it all. I get it so it's whatever. I'll let you go and move on with my life. All this time, I thought that you would change your mind or that you could see that I've changed. I guess I was looking for you to act a little older than you wanna be. I don't need someone who wants to act like a 12-year-old with someone else's heart. I'm not gonna lie, it hurts but I'll find some other way to feel better. I don't want to waste any more time on this fantasy that you could be the person you used to be for me. I'm not going to let you have the satisfaction of ruining me. I can be happy without you and I'm going to be. I hope one day you look back and see that you missed the perfect chance. But I'm not going to wait for you to grow a pair. I'm gonna look great. I'm gonna wear dresses and cute panties. I'm gonna style the hair you wanted me to grow out. Every single thing you gave to me from your shirts to my confidence, I'm gonna make it all mine so there won't be a thing I can thank you for. You'll be just another picture in a box. Watch me turn into a queen before your eyes. Fucking watch me.

You're My God?

You're yelling and screaming, drowning in the ocean of your own tears. When did Alice start watching others suffer in her Wonderland? I'm sorry you've done this to yourself. I'm so sorry you thought you could be God. Well honey, if you're God then I'm an atheist for a damn good reason. It's over and done with, there's nothing you can say that can save yourself. So God, start praying for some forgiveness. Maybe your God is kinder than you are. Maybe your God will understand your sins?

The Drive Home

When we can't be together, my mind gets mixed up in all sorts of things. I can't tell if I'm paranoid or just worried. Maybe I'm selfish, wanting all your smiles to be mine. I want to be your escape, your happy place. I've been bothered recently about things I know I shouldn't worry about, about things that don't even concern me. I've been watching from afar as my only friend starts to leave me. Maybe it's because I've never been this alone in my life, or maybe it's that I can't let go. Things that never used to scare me, now render me hopeless and frightened. I know it's stupid of me to feel this way but I can't stop it. I'm not even sure how to stop it. I can't ask for things, I can't say things, because all my words don't sound right. I don't want to be too demanding, I can't be assertive. I've had to do things on my own and it's like stepping off the shelf in the ocean into that void. I'm scared and running out of air. I don't want to bother you to help me, I don't want to ask for help because I know they have more important things to do. Now, one by one, my friends are leaving me behind and I can't help it, I can't change it, and soon you'll be the only one I have left. I don't want to put that stress on you. I don't want to be a burden. I need you too hold me tight or at least hold my hand. I can't just jump out into the world, I can't just change. I need you to help me.

Face Me, Fight Me

You put the rules on me, always trying to bring me down. You limit my internet, restrict my books and yet you still have no power. Handcuff my hands together and I'll still write. I like this little game we play, where you think you have any sense of power and I break all your rules anyway. I'm a force and there are many more like me, so many more who will fight back. We are the the ones who learned how not to break the rules and yet break them at the same time. We learned how to fight the power and never get in trouble. You live in a world of contracts and limitations; a world where the rules are outlined and there are no ways around them. You live in a world where you cannot escape the pens and papers you signed. We are the loop holes, the system breakers and the code chasers. We read the fine print, we know where your power ends. We know how to swim off the deep end. The more rules you impose, the more creative we get.

Valen-fucking-tines Day

I don't give shit if you're in love, you rub that in my face every other day of the year. I don't give a damn that he did something so cute. I don't want to hear about how romantic your night was and I don't want to hear about all the useless shit you got. Those chocolates are gonna make you sick anyway. So stop rubbing it in my damn face that you're in love and had a happy day together. Even though if you do anything overly romantic today, it just means you aren't in love. Anyone who really fell in love, would show it every day, not just the gift giving holidays. With their actions and words and little bits of love every single day. If this is the day you get overly romantic, then I hope you two love your short relationship together.

Dark Paradise

They tell me to forget your face, forget the memories, forget those nights. Yet every time I close my eyes, it seems you're staring back at me. When you haunt my dreams, I don't want to wake up no matter how much they hurt. I've tried to let go before and all it did was get me in trouble. So I've just settled with the fact that I'm never going to fully let you go, at least not for a long while yet. It's going on three years since you left and here I am, still writing in my notebooks, still wishing on stars. One day I'll finally forget you. Maybe then, it won't hurt anymore.

I Refuse....

I refuse to think that the possibility of having full equality in the world would cause anything. I refuse to think that some of my family wouldn't support the decisions I make. I refuse to think that my mom is dying. I refuse to think about the people who have screwed me over or the thought of war. For now, I refuse to think that the world is as bad as it is because maybe in the morning, I can deal with the hate, the pain, the torment and the loss. Maybe in the morning, I'll see the love that I missed today. I await the day when I'll be proud of the world I live in. So just for tonight, I'm going to curl up under my covers and pretend that's it's going to be all right.