How Many Times Can I call?

Now I know it's my addiction to you. Now I know it's the chemicals in my brain telling me I need you. How do I ignore all the voices telling me to run back? I sometimes wonder if it'll be easier when you move away.

Enough with the cryptic bullshit,

I know you're not reading this. I know you stopped caring. Why I keep writing in this damned place is beyond me.  I want this pain to stop. Being with you is painful and being without is worse. I've made a life of myself and I've told you before, I'm not going down again.

How I crave the soft touch of your fingers across my chest and the pale light through the curtains. I miss the smell of your unwashed hair and how it felt to have you wrapped around me like a blanket. I was going to come back. I know better than that now. How did I become the one chasing your touch?

Kiss me again. Memories are my lover. I'll remember it all. I'll make love to the sweet image of our old love. Hot, hate and passion. I have no one to tell about you.

Fuck you. I love you.

Does He Know Who He's Dating

Does she know what you did to me? Did you ever tell her how long I loved you? Did you tell her what you did? What kind of person would do that? I loved you, harder than anyone. I did everything for you, put myself on the line and just watched as you loved her. Now what does it even matter? The hell I went through for you? For eight years, I did anything I could for you. You were always taken but I was okay with that. I didn't want to steal you away, just wanted to be in your life. We went on for years in the same way. I loved you, you loved her. You two broke up again and again and you would come to me. But you'd always go back to her. Did you tell her that night at the party? I didn't come for you, I came to talk to someone else. I came to fix something that was broken but you were there. Maybe you couldn't stand that I was in love with someone else. You spent the whole night on my arm, convincing me to do things I would never want to do. You were flirty and all over me and I was happy. Maybe you noticed that I was looking over to him, trying to get a moment to talk with him. You kissed me. Not the cute, 1 second kiss you had given me before. You kissed me long and hard. I didn't know how to feel about it. In later days, We would go on dates and you called me your girlfriend. We went to the museum, your favorite place. I took you out to eat and drove you home. You told your parents that we were dating and I was happy. And then you never called me back. You never texted or talked to me. I hadn't done anything wrong and yet I was tossed out. You wouldn't respond to anything. Months later I hear you're dating some guy. A guy you used to call ugly and gross behind his back. Did you ever call me those things? Whatever happened to your forever girlfriend? Did you do the same thing to her? This isn't the girl I fell in love with, she was never so heartless. Some princess you are.

Like the Stars Burn

I remember the pain in his eyes as he told me not to erase my picture. I remember the pain in his voice when he he asked me not to go. I put him through so much all because I never knew how much I needed him, how much I really loved him. I've tried to move on but a tear still falls when I think of what could've been between us. His love was pure. His love was real and for a short while, it was also mine. He met me at the wrong time, when I didn't know who I was, when I didn't know how to love. I miss him. Oh god,like the heavens burn, I miss him. We can talk now, small talk after everything but I miss our talks of the stars, how we would rule. If only we could've lasted. These last few threads make me happy, remind me how lucky I am to even have that, but I still wish for more. How selfish can a person be to destroy their love and then still want to broken pieces to put back together?

Shhhh..... It's Still Too Loud

It's not worth it. I'm gonna talk myself down now because it's not worth ruining everything early. It's not worth the pain, the tears or the plans. It's not worth my plans. Yet it's worth a little bit of my heart. It's worth some time and some of my smile. It's worth a little warmth and some kind words. I'm moving on now and finding something new to live for. I'm drawing again and can walk a few blocks without thinking about it. I'm not thinking about his smile every moment anymore. I haven't thought about him in a day and a half. I'm not dressing up for him. In the far back of my mind, I'm pushing thoughts of him away. I don't want to see his car or his favorite color. I don't want to know how he takes his coffee or the numbers to his phone number. I'm trying to forget how his hands felt in my hair and the way he speaks. It's like ripping off a band-aid on a new burn. Every breath of air makes me want to scream and I'm panicking that I don't have him to hold onto in public. I'm trying to stop myself from wanting him anymore because he's already over me.

At Least I Have a Band-Aid

My thumb's bleeding darling. Will you suck out the blood? Would you suck out my heart? I feel like it's breaking again. I never thought a heart could ache so much when you're so deeply in love. Darling? What's wrong with me today? What was wrong yesterday? I'm not alone yet the solitude is surrounding me on all sides. I'm not alone yet my body is a cold as the tundra. When you're in love, isn't it supposed to be warm? Hot with passion, cool with temptation? No one told me about the cold, I didn't have time to bundle up. Where's the kisses in the rain, love story moments? When was love changed on me? I have to admit, the sour makes the sweet that much sweeter. Can you feel me screaming silently into the air? Can you hear my blood dripping on the carpet? Please tell me I'm not alone when I go crazy over your love. Is this what love is supposed to feel like?

Blood Stains on Earth

I never expected it from you. Never thought you would try such a thing. Human, where has your soul gone? Are you quite done with this hell you put yourself into? Are you done taking it out on me? Gone are the days when I knew you. Gone are any understandings I knew. Now I'm looking at the bruises, feeling the swollen marks and I can't help but wonder, was this my own doing? Have I pushed you so far to the edge? Have I created this monster in you? Where is the human who fought for me? Why would you? How could you? What have you done?

When You Think You Have A Chance

I wonder what went wrong. I wonder who decided or who voted. I wonder why they did, I wonder what could've happened to make them do it. Why not me? I thought it was solid, I thought I could, but in the end I guess I wasn't that great. I wanted it more and more with each passing day and now, there's nothing left but shattered dreams and a love to hold me together. I won't lie, I wanted to go. I didn't care about the cost or the problems ahead. I didn't care what else would happen as long as this did. Now I know that it won't happen and the thought is crushing, weighing down upon me like the world on Atlas' shoulders. I won't cry, nor will I whine or stomp my feet, I'll just accept and let it go.I'll try and forget about it.

Valen-fucking-tines Day

I don't give shit if you're in love, you rub that in my face every other day of the year. I don't give a damn that he did something so cute. I don't want to hear about how romantic your night was and I don't want to hear about all the useless shit you got. Those chocolates are gonna make you sick anyway. So stop rubbing it in my damn face that you're in love and had a happy day together. Even though if you do anything overly romantic today, it just means you aren't in love. Anyone who really fell in love, would show it every day, not just the gift giving holidays. With their actions and words and little bits of love every single day. If this is the day you get overly romantic, then I hope you two love your short relationship together.

I Refuse....

I refuse to think that the possibility of having full equality in the world would cause anything. I refuse to think that some of my family wouldn't support the decisions I make. I refuse to think that my mom is dying. I refuse to think about the people who have screwed me over or the thought of war. For now, I refuse to think that the world is as bad as it is because maybe in the morning, I can deal with the hate, the pain, the torment and the loss. Maybe in the morning, I'll see the love that I missed today. I await the day when I'll be proud of the world I live in. So just for tonight, I'm going to curl up under my covers and pretend that's it's going to be all right.

Dancing On Top Of The Flames

I won't back down without a fight. I refuse to just back out. This is my match and I'm gonna win that prize. I've never been a very honorable person but this is my second chance and I won't let them crush it. They keep talking but I'm the one with a machine gun. "Go on and talk!" I shout into the open air. "This is my game, time to play my cards, you know you don't have a chance." My weaponry is open and the ammo is well stocked. Sometimes, you have to be your own hero. I'll let him rest, he's fought well. Now this is one battle no one else can fight. I've got this. Be it Magician or Devil, I'll be ready. Anyone who tried to rip me down, they're gonna get burned by my flames. I have the gasoline in my veins and this war can go on for as long as you want. Keep getting up, I'll keep hitting harder. You can't win this. All those lies you told them, it's coming back for you. I'll get my forces back up. It my fault for getting lazy, thought I was secure but I can quickly remedy that. You are nothing but a puppet and I'm gonna cut you off your strings. Face me if you dare and bring your whole army cause I'll win and you know it.

These Tears Will Fall

I must not cry, cannot show how much I regret. I have to stay strong but I wish I could fall apart. I wish I could just let all of the sadness I feel flow out of my heart. I want to cry, can't show how much I want to erase my life. I've been through so much just because I make the wrong decisions. My prince knew that I was crazy and I wish he could tell me what to do. Wish I had a human here to keep me calm. Wish I had an angel to help me fly and a devil to remind me how to keep the aces in my hand. I may cry, just not around those who make me cry. I won't let them win. After all I have been through to get where I am, I will follow through and find out what I should do. I'll let the mold change and I'll let them press me in but there will always be a part of me that won't conform no matter how hard they try. I will never let them crush me. I am, and forever will be, strong. I will cry, I will hurt but I will be strong. You can't crush me. Can't change me. I am forever, I am infinite. It's my turn to deal the cards.

Remember What You Did?

I look into the eyes of evil and the pain is unbelievable. The thoughts, the memories, the pain of it all rushing back. That night so long ago, how I thought it would never happen. The night air, the shadows that danced in the dark. I can't remember this, it's too painful. What he did to me, all the pain. That devil with his piercing eyes. His hands, the feel of each touch. Torment, sweet torment. When I think of him, I want to cry. I want to erase him. The devil that killed a part of me forever. Those eyes, those eyes.... they follow me. I can never escape the shame or regret for what happened to me. What he did will never be forgiven and I wish I could forget all of it. Even now, the very sight scares me, sends me into a cold place. His face, those eyes. I remember them so well. I remember the stare when he asked me to walk with him. I remember the soft words that made me feel safe. The eyes that watched me, broke me down, made me scream for him. He could only tempt the best, break them down until they had nothing left to look forward to. All this pain still left after these years. I can't let him go, he made sure that I would never forget him. A part of me will be forever trapped with him. Trapped in hell with the devil.

Empty

Drowning in the sea I created. Lost in a world all my own. Everything I love wants to leave me. My creative spirit is gone and all I can think of is if I could redo it all. If I could start over. I go through my head of all the things that have happened. The new year with a great smile. Valentine's Day with a valentine. Love that was fully returned. Everything feels broken and I can't stand to face the light of the next day to come. Everything I have done, I have done for a reason and for the first time, I feel like I cannot control my own fate. 'The heart does a slow death, shedding each joy until there is nothing. No hopes, no dreams.' I cannot begin to fathom the amount of pain I have caused nor can I attain for my actions but right now, I need the love of the human for whom I have done wrong. I feel I may lose the biggest part of my new found life.

Color in a Dark World

As I stand in front of my mirror, I see all I've done to become who I am now. I used to only dress in dark colors. Jeans and a baggy shirt with a dirty hoodie. I had only one friend through that faze of my life. She saw me as someone who needed someone and I saw her as a saving grace. She stayed with me up till I found someone who looked past my looks. On the outside, I looked like someone who wanted to go crawl in a hole. Like I had no purpose. My prince, he was the first person to see the colorful and happy girl I was inside. He showed me a world where no one could hurt me anymore. I needed that. For so long, I was just a target. He made me see the sun light. Made me take in all the colors of the rainbow. He took me in and repaired me. That was something I had always wanted. He gave me hope. Now days, I look at all the colors I dress in and I see how much I've changed. I hold my head high now. All because my prince rode in on his horse and saved me from myself. Back then, I hated going outside, hated people. Now I thrive on everyone I know. He brought me all these new friends. He got me to reach out, not to be scared. He was there when I was scared and there when I wanted to try again. Now I'm on my own and things are getting scary. I don't know what I'm going to do with this life he gave me. He gave me the rainbow and I drank it in. I miss him. Back then, I couldn't let go of his arm and now I can explore but somewhere along the way, I let go of his hand for too long and thought I could stand on my own. It doesn't work like that. It never did. I still need him there but because of how stupid I can be, I made a mistake. I ran away from the hand that has kept me safe all those years. Now I have to deal with it. Why can't I see what's right in front of me? Why can't I understand that he can't always be there. I still need him here to keep me safe. I'm scared and as I look in the mirror, I wonder who I've become. Without him, I'm nothing.

If Memories Could Kill....

My mind is playing clips from the past, letting me know how idiotic I can be. All those missed moments. Everything I could have done in that time. All the time I could have been with the right people. I wish my prince was here. I wish he could hold me, tell me that the memories can't hurt me here. He would make sure I wouldn't cry in his arms. If I said I loved him, I would be wrong. This love will never leave me, never even try and diminish. I did this, I ruined it and I can't even remember why. I wish I could remember but all I have are these fake letters. Everything I say is worth nothing. I wish I could be more, fix myself but the only time I feel whole is when he whispers how much he still loves me after all I've put him through. But I'm watching these memories flash by as if it was all a distant dream. I can't live like this. I want to pretend that I'll be okay but I know the truth and so do most. My only wish is that he thinks I'm still strong. I hope he thinks that this isn't effecting me. I hope he doesn't learn the truth. I don't want to feel the pain I feel right now knowing that I can't fix this. My sweet prince, if only I could rewind time. All the love I could know is put onto him. All my being. I miss him. I love him. My prince.

Envy

"You never know how much you love someone until you watch them love someone else." For all this time, it is easy to think everything is fine and over. It's easy to get lost in a dream land but then that moment comes when you watch yours love another. That's when the heart starts to fall apart. All those imaginary walls crashed down to reveal what's really happening. Remembering those times where you were under their arm, fingers intertwined, talking about everything. Now that's gone and there's no taking it back. No time machine, no reset button, just today's pain. Never take what you have now for granted because today's smile could become tomorrow's tear.

Depression, Inspection, Perfection.

Night time brings a sense of deep thought to my head. As I try so hard not to get lost in my mind's inner maze, certain things bring me to become lost. So many things I wish I could take back. So many things that keep me awake at night, just wishing things could be different. I don't want to lose sleep over mistakes. I just want to be cradled softly in the arms of my sleeping angel. I don't want to inspect my life under a microscope, I just want things to make sense. After all my failures, it's become impossible to look past them. While new friends have never even known for me so failure, they soon see how badly my life leaves prints on everyone around me. Should I be thankful that people will remember me? Or should I cry in the thought that one day, I will want to be forgotten? When my insanity finally gets the better of me, will I be perfect? Was the plan outlaid for my life end with me laughing to myself and losing all I felt need to have in my life? I don't pretend to know what my future may hold but with the road I travel, I don't feel like I'll have another option other than insanity. I've changed so much over these past months but I feel as if it was all in vain. Possibly, I will receive the fortune of existing in a world where no one knows my face. Maybe then I'll regain the remaining parts of my head. Till that day I will watch. I will wait.

Oppurtunity

The chance to do something you have wished to do for so long has arisen and what will you do? Will you take advantage, gain the upper hand and do what you have so longed to do? Or will you watch behind curtains, watching those chance just slip by into the night? No matter how much I wish to react, I cannot start without cause. I have been watching, waiting for moments to come and go. Whilst I would love to take the world head on and challenge the ideas of others, I only react because that was how I was made. How I wish you could see my attempts to gain your promise. How I want you to hear my silent pleas for you. Can you hear me at all or am I just that girl you will never hear no matter the date or time? One day, i'll bring myself to take a chance. One day I'll learn how to use this voice of mine. Just please don't let me get carried away....

Forgotten....

Forget me. Forget what I meant. Forget how we used to play and forget how it felt to be in each other's arms. Forget the promise we made late at night cause what is a promise but a few empty words strung together in a sentence? I want to believe it was truth, wanted to think it would be you and me against the world. Thought nothing could tear us apart cause we were stronger than any brick wall. I thought we could make it though anything. And now where are you? You're in that damned room with that damned girl ready to suck up every last bit of hope you ever had. She's a vampire and she'll suck you dry. Devine nature and yet somehow you can't see that she's a panther ready to feed. She's hurt, full of hate for a world that scorns her so. I hate her. She tears down any wall you make. She tears her way into your chest and carves away at the love in your heart. She'll bring any man to his knees crying and now she's after you. Is it because I'm in love? Is it because I care for someone? Is it because that someone is you? Why is she doing this to me? There's so much of me that wants to storm in there and take her by the neck, ask why she has to mess up my happily ever after? I hate her for what she's done, what she is doing, and what she will you but most of all I hate her cause I might become her. There is so much rage bottled up in my heart just begging for release. So much I just want to let go but so much that I hold back. I'll never be yours and I know that. I'll never be good enough for you, never in my life I be able to be with you. So why is it that I still want to guard you tightly? Why do I still want to love you so? I hate this horrible feeling, feeling of slowly dieing inside wanting to see you. Just out of the corner of my eye or to be in the same room as you, it makes me so happy. Yet somehow I fill with these shakes cause I know you couldn't care less if I'm in that room. I know I'm hardly in your life and that feeling of worthlessness that brings me so low every time. You make me cry yet you bring hope for tomorrow. I love you yet I hate you. I love you but I can't stay in the same room as you. I love you but you're too good for me. I need to learn my place. If only that place could be up in the sky, flying high with you. I love you, my sweet sweet hell bound angel. I love you.... why is it you'll never know?

Bloody Murder You Can't Stop Loving

Lock away those dirty thoughts you naughty girl. Even in the dead of night, devils still wish to come out and dance. Tormenting those caught in their web. The heat of ecstasy embracing your every moving body part. As your pulse picks up, all logic ceases and the brain goes numb. Nothing makes sense and you don't know why you want this so. It's so hard to hold back what you really want to say. You try to stay the little girl from before but you want to badly to become the woman who speaks her mind. One simple word and it's all over. One simple word and it never happened. One simple word, one little word with so much power. You want so badly to stop. Stop and curl up in a ball. Try and cope with what has just happened. But here you are and you want to whisper for more. You want to beg for this devil to keep you in his arms. You beg for him. You beg for the Devil to embrace you with the voice of an angel.