Again and Again

I've been happy recently. That's a good way to start things off. I've been enjoying my life and how it's been going. Things aren't perfect but they never were. I've just been happy.

Though, I'm not going to lie. I was thinking about you a few nights ago and it hit me hard. I cried again. I wonder how many tears I'm going to shed for you. Thinking about you just sucks away all of my strength, all my will to go on. Every time I think of you, it's like being shot by a sniper. All the pain from before comes back in a short bullet through my chest. You're not even reading these, you're not even worth it. Why do I even care anymore? You don't care about me and I'm starting to wonder if you ever did.

Do you remember when we were everything together? God Dammit! I know I messed it up but for one moment, can we not think about that? For one moment, can we think about how it used to be? The snow, the winter, you were perfect. I saw you drunk on that couch and that wasn't you. Where did you go? Did you leave me forever? You tried to hurt her, you said such horrible things. Have I been in love with the wrong you? Please tell me this is new because I don't know if I could stand to know you've always been like this. Since when did holding me make you cringe? Since when did I become your rival? I can't love you anymore. I've come to terms that you're not the same person I fell in love with.

All I want is to see a glimpse of the love I lost, the man I kissed, the boy I loved so deeply it cut into my soul. For one night, I want to hear you say my name again. Like you used to.

A Morning Snow

It's early morning and it's been raining for days. Streets are cold and the wind cuts your face. I was out walking because that was the only thing that made sense to me. Just kept walking until it started not to hurt. Wandering for hours and I found myself at a door I had walked through many times before. A door that had always opened to greet me in the warmest of ways. Now it was early in the morning and I know no one behind that door is awake but there is one person I want to see. I walk across the darkness and open the bedroom door. He's asleep and for some reason, all I care about at that moment is touching his skin. For some reason all I can think about is his voice saying my name. Without even thinking, I'm crawling into his bed while he sleeps. My hair is still wet, my skin is still icy and yet, I just want to touch him. He doesn't wake right away but his arms pull around me as he sleeps. My problems are gone, my worries are melted and it's just me looking at him. It's just us as a fall asleep in his embrace.

I'm Done

The bed will be empty. The house will be quiet. There will be no 'I love you's or 'Stay home today's because it'll be just me. There won't be anyone to come home to and there will be no future marriage promises. I'll be alone in that house and I'll be happy. I'm building it by myself. My posters will be on the wall and that'll be my shower curtain that I picked out myself. I'll make my own life without you. It'll hurt at first but I don't need someone who constantly tears me down. I don't need someone who thinks my only worth is with them. This is my life dammit. Don't even try to keep me because I'm done with the bullshit you've put me through.

I Don't Want To Wake

My hands in jet black hair, soft lips kissing me, callin me beautiful. There's the playful banter and there's the way I see those blue eyes lookin at me. It's the way he says my name or the way he always answers me. Makes me feel like I can't fail, that things will be okay. I'm changing now because I know I can or at least, he knows I can. That's all I need. That's all I've ever needed is someone to believe in me when I don't have the strength to go forward. Someone to pull me back up after I've fallen apart. Finally, someone to open my eyes for me. Someone to help me fix it all and all he asks in return, is a smile when it's better. All he wants is company. Nothing demanded from me, nothing expected from me, just wanting to be there when I'm better.

What a beautiful dream to have.

Back Me Up

Taste the sweet love as it pours into your soul. We are not defined by the love we live for. I'm sitting in a corner crying. It hurts to know I'm not for him. It hurts to know I wasn't worth the time anymore. I was sitting in corner crying and he walked up. I've been sad for so long about him. He picked me up. What was the point of all this pain? He held me close, breathing new air into me. He made me see where I've been. How things have been changing while I was gone. He held my hand and walked through all the things that changed while I was sad. He showed me a map of where I needed to go from there; how to change the hell I had fallen in. Now I'm working to get out of this pain. Now I'm building something and when I start to fall, when the pain starts to come back, he stands behind me, whispering "This isn't the end," Now I'm going to live.

What I Needed

I needed a reason to leave this life I've settled for. I finally found it. There's no point missing someone who doesn't love you back or trying to go back to someone who hasn't even opened their arms for you. There's no point being sad about things that you can't change. Unfortunately, you have to feel that pain in full. You can't ignore it and you can't run away from it. The pain follows you and it demands to be paid in full. But oh god, once you feel it all and you can move on, that sun has never felt so good. The wind smells better, the rain feels clean and every one of your senses is back at full. Your favorite food tastes better than you remember it. Your clothes feel softer. In full, this is what living is for. When you can look out on a dark a gloomy night and feel at peace, that's when it's over. You don't have to hurt anymore and life without that pain, no matter for how short of a time, is worth every second. Nothing will beat just knowing your alive and enjoying it. And while being alive may suck 95% of the time, that other 5% is worth everything. It's worth everything to feel alive again.

Shhhh..... It's Still Too Loud

It's not worth it. I'm gonna talk myself down now because it's not worth ruining everything early. It's not worth the pain, the tears or the plans. It's not worth my plans. Yet it's worth a little bit of my heart. It's worth some time and some of my smile. It's worth a little warmth and some kind words. I'm moving on now and finding something new to live for. I'm drawing again and can walk a few blocks without thinking about it. I'm not thinking about his smile every moment anymore. I haven't thought about him in a day and a half. I'm not dressing up for him. In the far back of my mind, I'm pushing thoughts of him away. I don't want to see his car or his favorite color. I don't want to know how he takes his coffee or the numbers to his phone number. I'm trying to forget how his hands felt in my hair and the way he speaks. It's like ripping off a band-aid on a new burn. Every breath of air makes me want to scream and I'm panicking that I don't have him to hold onto in public. I'm trying to stop myself from wanting him anymore because he's already over me.

-Unrelated Note-

I want to tell him to run, tell him that I'm not worth anything. I want him to run away from me yet I keep pulling back. I keep going back. I want to laugh like this forever and I want to see that smile every day. Maybe I don't need my human to tell me to move on. Maybe I don't need someone else to take control of my life. I can do this. I can take my life into my own hands. With the promise that one day, I'll be someone better.

Smiles Can Kill

You were waiting for me to give you an answer. You were waiting for a reason for the pain, for the longing. You were waiting for a reason to stay and you didn't get one. So you closed off yourself. You shut me out and you went cold. I cried, over and over for many reasons. I needed you because you were the only one who listened. I needed you because you were the only one who cared. You were always the only one who could fix everything. You made it all hurt less. You knew what I needed every time. And yet I was left alone. I was alone for the first time in seven years. I was alone in the world and I had to find a way to deal with the pain. It felt like a thousand knives, being set on fire, like reliving your death all over. Worse yet, the only person who could fix it, was you. You weren't there. The pain did nothing but grow and hurt every day I was outside. My dreams were echos of you and my thoughts were consumed by you. Then I found myself staring at you from across the room. You were fine and that hurt the most. You laughed and smiled and I couldn't even do that. You were okay and I wasn't. I wanted to yell and scream at you, wanted to fight but all I could do was raise my voice a little bit before my tears took over. All that pain came crashing back down on me. I trembled, I cried, I was hurting and you held me for a moment before you were gone again. I cried for an hour afterward. I cried the next day. I cried at work and at home. Smiling felt impossible until I heard I could see you again. I thought I had a chance to take back the tears, for us to be friends again, even if it was just friends. Yet just as I'm starting to get excited, rehearsing what to say and jokes to make, you say you wouldn't go if I was there. You tell them that you don't even know why I was invited. You know how hard it is to get excited about a party when being in crowd scares you? I was gonna do better this time and you shut me down before I had a chance. I was waiting for so long. I was waiting for a reason for the pain. I was waiting for a reason to stay and you still shut me out. Now I'll do even better. I'll learn how to get through the pain. I'll learn how to deal without you. I'll show you that I can be okay without you. That's my last expression of my love. I'll move on because you did. I'll make something for you to be proud of. Because I love you, I'll stop trying to love you. 

You Can't Break This

You've made your choice. You didn't even say it to me but I heard it all. I get it so it's whatever. I'll let you go and move on with my life. All this time, I thought that you would change your mind or that you could see that I've changed. I guess I was looking for you to act a little older than you wanna be. I don't need someone who wants to act like a 12-year-old with someone else's heart. I'm not gonna lie, it hurts but I'll find some other way to feel better. I don't want to waste any more time on this fantasy that you could be the person you used to be for me. I'm not going to let you have the satisfaction of ruining me. I can be happy without you and I'm going to be. I hope one day you look back and see that you missed the perfect chance. But I'm not going to wait for you to grow a pair. I'm gonna look great. I'm gonna wear dresses and cute panties. I'm gonna style the hair you wanted me to grow out. Every single thing you gave to me from your shirts to my confidence, I'm gonna make it all mine so there won't be a thing I can thank you for. You'll be just another picture in a box. Watch me turn into a queen before your eyes. Fucking watch me.

You're My God?

You're yelling and screaming, drowning in the ocean of your own tears. When did Alice start watching others suffer in her Wonderland? I'm sorry you've done this to yourself. I'm so sorry you thought you could be God. Well honey, if you're God then I'm an atheist for a damn good reason. It's over and done with, there's nothing you can say that can save yourself. So God, start praying for some forgiveness. Maybe your God is kinder than you are. Maybe your God will understand your sins?

Into The Open Air

The wind is harsh against my skin, cutting deep yet I do not bleed. I walk forward through the pain I feel, just trying to endure. She has the same eyes. Each step is tough and my feet are bleeding. My breath hurts my insides while the cold hurts the outside. I am still walking. She has the same laugh. He's right there in front of me, warm and inviting. Is he real? His hand thaws my own, his kiss calms my breath. This must be what death feels like. Though maybe it is time for some rest.

{Command[life]} == Erase

Can I write a code for life? Can I make this sky purple or change this grass to razors? If I had all the power that a code gives me, I would write a new life for myself. I could be prettier. My eyes could be more blue, I could be thinner, why can't I just love who I am now? What did I do to warrant so many tears? I've been through a lot in my life and fear it may not be over. My doubts never cease and I'm starting to think this life is doomed to repeat. All I want is these terrible memories to leave. Why can't I forget? Why is his voice still clear in my head? Why must I be so tormented? What did I do? Please Hero, save me from the torment of these memories. Hold me close and make me forget. I don't want to remember.

A Dinner Party

Help me mix the brew, time to give everyone a scare. Throw a party and we'll all have a jolly good time. May I have this dance? Now the main event. Ladies and Gents, There's something special in your tea. Made it myself. Now they say that life is short but all of you won't know the true meaning of just how short life can be. Cheers to your demise.

It's Us?

She's telling me to give up, to grow up. World is spinning and I'm not ready to let yesterday go. They're telling me it's not gonna last, that only a child thinks on love. Everyone is telling me something bad. I'm a child, I'm gonna fail, I need to move on but most of all, they're tell me to leave you. I'm looking for answers but this new life is more confusing than I would like. There are no real options and I'm gonna explode the next time someone asks what I'm doing with my life. Well I'm a screw up. I'm not an adult and I don't want to be. The only thing I'm ever certain of anymore is you. You're there and within reach. Though I have to admit, I feel like I'm at this on my own.

You Won't Notice

When I put on my mask, no one can tell. I'm dancing with her, now you, them, and you'll never know who was just holding your hand. My mask is colorful with glitter and stars. All you can see are my blue eyes. As we dance, you'll keep guessing. I won't tell but I'm your prince, your princess, lover, friend. I'm your dream. Behind this mask, I'll be anyone and you'll fall in love with a stranger. All the things you wanted to hear, all the lies I could tell just to make you smile. For one night, you'll feel like a queen in my company. Don't doubt me, just know I can. Forever and ever. I'll dance around your dreams. Just don't lift my mask.

I Refuse....

I refuse to think that the possibility of having full equality in the world would cause anything. I refuse to think that some of my family wouldn't support the decisions I make. I refuse to think that my mom is dying. I refuse to think about the people who have screwed me over or the thought of war. For now, I refuse to think that the world is as bad as it is because maybe in the morning, I can deal with the hate, the pain, the torment and the loss. Maybe in the morning, I'll see the love that I missed today. I await the day when I'll be proud of the world I live in. So just for tonight, I'm going to curl up under my covers and pretend that's it's going to be all right.

My New Life

I knew it was trouble when we kissed. As soon as our lips touched, I felt my control slip away in an instant. Were we ever meant to be? I hope so because I don't think I can take another 'goodbye'. Some nights I stay up all night for no reason but I know you're on my mind. I've thought a lot about my past mistakes and I'm trying not to let that define me. I've got quite a few scars and I'm not sure you understand how many of my cuts still bleed. I just don't want to mess this up. I've been through quite a lot. I've been cheated on and tormented, been played and I'll admit I played some people. Love's been this big game for a while, a game I tend to lose no matter how hard I try. I've cried too many tears and I've got this shell that I retreat to. I've been this way for a long time now and it's not good. So I'm making some changes, dealing with this new body. I'm weak and I'm slowly coming to terms with that. So forgive me if you see my shell when I get scared. Forgive me for the wide places my head goes when I'm not focused. Forgive the things I do without warning and forgive my mood swings when I'm not that stable. You've been so nice to me and without even trying, you've stolen my heart. I want you to keep it and I'm gonna do anything in my power to keep it in your hands. Things are going to get hard and harder still. I don't know how to fix your problems but I can promise Ii can always be there when you need me. I want to be the perfect girl but that's not gonna happen. So just play nice. My hero.

The Odd One

We're the targets, everyone blaming us. We're the gamers, escaping reality on every console. We're the dreamers, making up the future we want. We're the odd ones yet I couldn't be happier just like that. You and I, we're gonna run fast toward the sun. For us, the world is wide open, never ever limiting ourselves. We've got the killer smiles and the worst jokes, yet I wouldn't change a thing. After all the hell we've been through, after the hard times and the never-ending tears, we know that it's time to look up and smile. Fight our way to the happy days. Fight our way to the summer memories and the winter smiles. I'll fight for you, you'll fight for me and we'll get to where we're going. Because we're the targets, no one wants our problems. We're the gamers, laughing and playing games. We're the dreamers, always getting back on track. We're the odd ones yet I couldn't be happier just like that.

Mark Of The Lost

Calm yourself little girl. Your time will come to fight those who torment. I'm sorry you cry tonight when you aren't the one to blame. My little girl, don't cry. Inside your mind is prince who can fight for you. We all know how scared you are, so I'll let you sleep while I fight these battles for you. You are too sweet to be in this cruel world. What with Demons and Devils, Magicians and Angels. The world is full of those who will hurt you but I will fight for you. I am part of you, the part that can take a hit. I can fight back and I will defend what is left of your sanity. So while you hold tight to your hero, I will fight off the monsters that still want to ruin what you have found. Be Yourself around him, let him love the real you. No one else knows you, knows all your little quirks so share that with someone. That hero with the green eyes, he's going to keep you safe. I can handle everything else, as long as you fall in love with someone who finally knows you.