Smiles Can Kill

You were waiting for me to give you an answer. You were waiting for a reason for the pain, for the longing. You were waiting for a reason to stay and you didn't get one. So you closed off yourself. You shut me out and you went cold. I cried, over and over for many reasons. I needed you because you were the only one who listened. I needed you because you were the only one who cared. You were always the only one who could fix everything. You made it all hurt less. You knew what I needed every time. And yet I was left alone. I was alone for the first time in seven years. I was alone in the world and I had to find a way to deal with the pain. It felt like a thousand knives, being set on fire, like reliving your death all over. Worse yet, the only person who could fix it, was you. You weren't there. The pain did nothing but grow and hurt every day I was outside. My dreams were echos of you and my thoughts were consumed by you. Then I found myself staring at you from across the room. You were fine and that hurt the most. You laughed and smiled and I couldn't even do that. You were okay and I wasn't. I wanted to yell and scream at you, wanted to fight but all I could do was raise my voice a little bit before my tears took over. All that pain came crashing back down on me. I trembled, I cried, I was hurting and you held me for a moment before you were gone again. I cried for an hour afterward. I cried the next day. I cried at work and at home. Smiling felt impossible until I heard I could see you again. I thought I had a chance to take back the tears, for us to be friends again, even if it was just friends. Yet just as I'm starting to get excited, rehearsing what to say and jokes to make, you say you wouldn't go if I was there. You tell them that you don't even know why I was invited. You know how hard it is to get excited about a party when being in crowd scares you? I was gonna do better this time and you shut me down before I had a chance. I was waiting for so long. I was waiting for a reason for the pain. I was waiting for a reason to stay and you still shut me out. Now I'll do even better. I'll learn how to get through the pain. I'll learn how to deal without you. I'll show you that I can be okay without you. That's my last expression of my love. I'll move on because you did. I'll make something for you to be proud of. Because I love you, I'll stop trying to love you.