Marriage Won't Fix Me

 It's been a while. 

I thought I had finally found my happily ever after. I thought I was finally  going to see my own wedding. I had dreamed about getting married with so many other people, but I was finally going to see it. Someone finally proposed to me of all people.

But the weight of the missing ring on my finger could drown me. The pain I feel, the hurt. I was ready to abandon myself for him. I was ready to cross all my lines to make sure I'd walk down that aisle. Piece by piece, I chipped away at my boundaries just so he'd love me.

It took so long for me to see what I had become and the type of marriage I would be in.  It's taken even longer to get up the nerve to leave. 

I'm looking down the barrel of a gun loaded with a life I want to life. I just have to pull the trigger and kill that last bit of this girl I created. Your new life will cost you your old one. 

I moved everything for us. I paid for everything for us. I said yes to everything I didn't want just so he'd stay. Yet he left. He left and told me build our life without him. He'd come back when I was done and he'd live in the happily ever after I built.

I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't give anymore. Maybe that makes me a horrible person, maybe I was supposed to stay and work it out. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep giving. I couldn't build our life alone.

So now I'm gonna move again. Back to my family and I'll build my life without him. Because I will never sacrifice so much for a man who wouldn't even stay for me. It's time to rediscover myself. What do I like? What are my hobbies? Who am I?

He broke me but he will not beat me. I will fly again. I will soar.

How Many Times Can I call?

Now I know it's my addiction to you. Now I know it's the chemicals in my brain telling me I need you. How do I ignore all the voices telling me to run back? I sometimes wonder if it'll be easier when you move away.

Enough with the cryptic bullshit,

I know you're not reading this. I know you stopped caring. Why I keep writing in this damned place is beyond me.  I want this pain to stop. Being with you is painful and being without is worse. I've made a life of myself and I've told you before, I'm not going down again.

How I crave the soft touch of your fingers across my chest and the pale light through the curtains. I miss the smell of your unwashed hair and how it felt to have you wrapped around me like a blanket. I was going to come back. I know better than that now. How did I become the one chasing your touch?

Kiss me again. Memories are my lover. I'll remember it all. I'll make love to the sweet image of our old love. Hot, hate and passion. I have no one to tell about you.

Fuck you. I love you.

Does He Know Who He's Dating

Does she know what you did to me? Did you ever tell her how long I loved you? Did you tell her what you did? What kind of person would do that? I loved you, harder than anyone. I did everything for you, put myself on the line and just watched as you loved her. Now what does it even matter? The hell I went through for you? For eight years, I did anything I could for you. You were always taken but I was okay with that. I didn't want to steal you away, just wanted to be in your life. We went on for years in the same way. I loved you, you loved her. You two broke up again and again and you would come to me. But you'd always go back to her. Did you tell her that night at the party? I didn't come for you, I came to talk to someone else. I came to fix something that was broken but you were there. Maybe you couldn't stand that I was in love with someone else. You spent the whole night on my arm, convincing me to do things I would never want to do. You were flirty and all over me and I was happy. Maybe you noticed that I was looking over to him, trying to get a moment to talk with him. You kissed me. Not the cute, 1 second kiss you had given me before. You kissed me long and hard. I didn't know how to feel about it. In later days, We would go on dates and you called me your girlfriend. We went to the museum, your favorite place. I took you out to eat and drove you home. You told your parents that we were dating and I was happy. And then you never called me back. You never texted or talked to me. I hadn't done anything wrong and yet I was tossed out. You wouldn't respond to anything. Months later I hear you're dating some guy. A guy you used to call ugly and gross behind his back. Did you ever call me those things? Whatever happened to your forever girlfriend? Did you do the same thing to her? This isn't the girl I fell in love with, she was never so heartless. Some princess you are.

'I Just Don't Want To Talk'

I've been sleeping alone. My feelings don't seem to matter. No one really cares about what I have to say. But there was you. At one time, there was you. At one time, back in a memory, you would take away the pain. At a midnight under the stars, I fell in love with the way you breathe. In a crowd of a thousand, I fell in love with your laugh. In a drowsy morning, I fell in love with your steps. That small spiral on your face, the way your glasses tilted, how your shirt hung from you, I fell in love. I took in the air from your lungs like watercolors dripping down a painting. You stained me in deep shades of blue and painted my world in white bright. The snow fell around us in every season. Forever a blizzard in our world. Dark nights were our dates, an old truck was our restaurant, and we were happy in a fairy-tale for two.

You closed the storybook.

Smiles Can Kill

You were waiting for me to give you an answer. You were waiting for a reason for the pain, for the longing. You were waiting for a reason to stay and you didn't get one. So you closed off yourself. You shut me out and you went cold. I cried, over and over for many reasons. I needed you because you were the only one who listened. I needed you because you were the only one who cared. You were always the only one who could fix everything. You made it all hurt less. You knew what I needed every time. And yet I was left alone. I was alone for the first time in seven years. I was alone in the world and I had to find a way to deal with the pain. It felt like a thousand knives, being set on fire, like reliving your death all over. Worse yet, the only person who could fix it, was you. You weren't there. The pain did nothing but grow and hurt every day I was outside. My dreams were echos of you and my thoughts were consumed by you. Then I found myself staring at you from across the room. You were fine and that hurt the most. You laughed and smiled and I couldn't even do that. You were okay and I wasn't. I wanted to yell and scream at you, wanted to fight but all I could do was raise my voice a little bit before my tears took over. All that pain came crashing back down on me. I trembled, I cried, I was hurting and you held me for a moment before you were gone again. I cried for an hour afterward. I cried the next day. I cried at work and at home. Smiling felt impossible until I heard I could see you again. I thought I had a chance to take back the tears, for us to be friends again, even if it was just friends. Yet just as I'm starting to get excited, rehearsing what to say and jokes to make, you say you wouldn't go if I was there. You tell them that you don't even know why I was invited. You know how hard it is to get excited about a party when being in crowd scares you? I was gonna do better this time and you shut me down before I had a chance. I was waiting for so long. I was waiting for a reason for the pain. I was waiting for a reason to stay and you still shut me out. Now I'll do even better. I'll learn how to get through the pain. I'll learn how to deal without you. I'll show you that I can be okay without you. That's my last expression of my love. I'll move on because you did. I'll make something for you to be proud of. Because I love you, I'll stop trying to love you. 

I Want to Die

You could drive up right now and I'd go with you. I don't care about anything else. All I'd need is some clothes and I'd run with you. I don't even think you know how serious I am. I would do anything for you. Am I making this too easy? Am I supposed to be distant and act like I don't need you? That's not how this works. I hate everything in my life but it's stable. It's all so stable and calm and that's what I've needed for a long time but if you gave me a chance, I'd leave it all behind. I'd rather struggle with you than live comfortably. I'd rather scrape up my knees running with you than keep walking. You don't understand how much I don't want to be here but I have nothing else and no reason to change it. Give me a reason. Come find me, tell me that's you still want to be around me. Tell me I'm not worthless. You're the only one who can save me and I want to save you. Give me something to live for.

One Last Goodbye

I guess I've been holding on too hard. I guess I just lost. I haven't lost in a long time so I'm not sure how to handle it. I guess I've been missing an idea of you that no longer exists. Though I still think it's dumb what happened, and the words you said, honestly you could've tried to make me feel a little better about it. That was kinda mean, making me leave your house, crying all the way across town. Really, you need some sensitivity training. Your flaws are as human as you are. I had this idea of you for so long that I don't know how to see you now. I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't forgive you the second you asked. I'm weak like that. I've been trying to make a life around you and I guess it's not working. I moved back into town, tried to get an apartment near you and I've been trying to plan my life around your schedule. I give up.

I've been going over all the memories, picking out my favorites and talking about you all the time. I've told everyone our story, beginning to end. My mistakes, yours too, all our moments and our fights. I think my favorite is still the camping trip though I promise I'll keep my mouth shut about somethings, I promised you. Though it was still one of my favorite few days. The campfire and just everyone. Your old truck and I swear she gets prettier with age. I had a rock in my back every night so it was either get closer or go to the other side of the tent. And I was so scared when I thought I heard a bear and got even more scared when you said it was a moose. We stayed an extra night out there because we were all too lazy to pack up.

Then it goes to science class when were separated because of interplanetary jokes. Years later, we'd walk ten miles just to get back that joke. Though it was unsafe, I loved walking that late at night with you, just talking for hours. The first time we did it, we got halfway there and thought we had parked in a tow-away zone and turned back as fast as we could. The stars were so pretty, the tide was going and I told you that I wanted to see high tide one day.

And I know they were part of the reason we don't talk anymore, but I remember what it felt like to kiss you every time, from the first to the last. I think that's what I may miss most but my life is too unstable to trap you with me. I would love to drop everything for you but dropping everything means a lot more now than it did when this began. When this started, I had nothing to lose and I could throw it all, but now I have a crappy life with a crappy job and a broken-down house with loud and annoying roommates. I'd love to drop it all but other people depend on me. I'd lose my room at a house that I help pay for. I'd lose my internet to write you these dumb posts and all for you to probably be in the same place you are now.

I'll be here if you need me.

I just don't know anymore

You said the most beautiful things to me.

You told me I was worth everything.

You said I was worth it.

You believed in change.

I'm waiting for you to believe in me.

Dust and to Gold

Driving late at night, stars fade under harsh street lights. Hear the engine go, hear it roar against the speed limit. What was it like a year ago? I was in the woods. I was in your car. I was at the movies. I was smiling. Who are you anymore? I've never known you to talk behind someone's back. I've never known you to spread rumors. When I came to terms with everything I had done to you, everything I felt for you, you had changed. You aren't my friend anymore because of a line I gave you three years ago. You looked at me different but you didn't see me different. Then out of nowhere, you changed the lenses, you looked past me like I wasn't worth the time. The only explanation I get is that you changed? That I was too much? Four years and now, nothing. Nothing at all. No voice, no note, not even a hint as to what has happened.

And Now something bigger is happening. Something worse, and I can't talk to you. I don't want to talk to anyone else but I have to find someone else, someone to listen again. A part of me is dying. It hurts, everything hurts and I want to leave. I want to run away into oblivion. See nothing but black darkness of eternal. I'll want to hear you again, so if I call, You're voicemail would probably be nicer. I hope you come to the party.

Drowning in Poison

Do you think you're the only one who feels these things? I feel them too, I always have. The doubt, the pain, the angst. I feel it too. I'm just as human as you, maybe even less so, but right now, we're both in pain. I've been holding back tears and I don't want to move. I just want to lay in bed until something feels right again. I'll make you feel better because I know that hopeless feeling you're choking on. I've tasted it and drank it down like a vile of poison. It eats me from the inside. I'm dying. Save me?

Three days out of Fourteen

I'm alone tonight. Been alone the past few nights and I still have a while to go. It's starting to hurt, that stab when you left. Like the numb in a wound. The tears stung my face, little acid droplets. I told myself not to cry. It wasn't until those last few seconds that I noticed that you were really leaving. I didn't think it would happen, but here I am, craving a sweet embrace I cannot have. I'm holding back the tears cause it's only been three days. Save my tears for your return. Cry into your shoulder because that's where I long to be. It seems so far away right now. The days where I was holding you, the days where you were no farther than arm's reach. It's only been three days yet I feel like each hour takes a part of me. This can't last forever. And then, the dark side shows and I'm scared. This can't last forever, he has to come back, right? He'll come back in one piece. He won't leave forever. He'll kiss me again, right? There are so many things that could go wrong. And it's only been three days.

At Least I Have a Band-Aid

My thumb's bleeding darling. Will you suck out the blood? Would you suck out my heart? I feel like it's breaking again. I never thought a heart could ache so much when you're so deeply in love. Darling? What's wrong with me today? What was wrong yesterday? I'm not alone yet the solitude is surrounding me on all sides. I'm not alone yet my body is a cold as the tundra. When you're in love, isn't it supposed to be warm? Hot with passion, cool with temptation? No one told me about the cold, I didn't have time to bundle up. Where's the kisses in the rain, love story moments? When was love changed on me? I have to admit, the sour makes the sweet that much sweeter. Can you feel me screaming silently into the air? Can you hear my blood dripping on the carpet? Please tell me I'm not alone when I go crazy over your love. Is this what love is supposed to feel like?

We Both Matter, Don't We?

I don't care what the doctors tell you, I don't care what your parents or friends tell you. I don't care what they have to say about you because I know who you are. I know it all now. I know those hard choices and the pain you've endured. I know... I know hun. They all tell me different things. They've told me I could do better, that you're not the right person. I've heard it all, even from you. Heard all the voices telling me what I should do, who I should be with and how I should live my life. Well I've started to laugh, make them think I'll do what they say. I've already made up my mind, you're in my future. The path I walk now, I'll walk with you. We'll guide each other. We're running the same way. I'm done listening to all of them, even you. I know what I want, I know I'll find it with you. Whatever I can get out of this life, I'll get it with you. No, you're not the best I could do and no you aren't perfect. If I was chasing perfection, I wouldn't have stayed. If I wanted the most handsome or the smartest, I wouldn't have stopped for you. I'm not looking for the most successful or the one with money, I'm looking for the one who changes my insides, stirs my imagination, wakes me. I don't need a big brother or the perfect husband, I need the one with flaws. I need the one who makes me happy. I need the one who can help me see. I chose you. Who else could match my sarcasm? Who else could see under my hard shell? Who else could repair the broken girl? We're not going to have the perfect love story or be the cute couple on campus. We're gonna be the ones who people will see together for the rest of their lives. Through the fights and the tears, holding me through the nightmares, you'll be with me. We're both a little not right. We'll always be the puzzle pieces that don't fit in the big picture. But I fit with you.

Forgotten

My, how things can change. One moment you're dancing with champagne and next your hung over on the couch with no good memories. It hurts to be alone. I need to feel something. I'm a cold mess.

A Dinner Party

Help me mix the brew, time to give everyone a scare. Throw a party and we'll all have a jolly good time. May I have this dance? Now the main event. Ladies and Gents, There's something special in your tea. Made it myself. Now they say that life is short but all of you won't know the true meaning of just how short life can be. Cheers to your demise.

I Refuse....

I refuse to think that the possibility of having full equality in the world would cause anything. I refuse to think that some of my family wouldn't support the decisions I make. I refuse to think that my mom is dying. I refuse to think about the people who have screwed me over or the thought of war. For now, I refuse to think that the world is as bad as it is because maybe in the morning, I can deal with the hate, the pain, the torment and the loss. Maybe in the morning, I'll see the love that I missed today. I await the day when I'll be proud of the world I live in. So just for tonight, I'm going to curl up under my covers and pretend that's it's going to be all right.

When The Tricks Are Gone

When my pretty face withers, will you still kiss it? When my lips aren't rosy, will they still weave magic for you? Today, I have my looks and today, I am beautiful. No matter what anyone says, I know I am beautiful. One day soon, I won't have these looks anymore, my voice will crack and my eyes will reflect my sadness. There will be a day when no one will look twice at me and when that day comes, will you still be there? When the magic is gone, can you handle this broken heart? Today I play with their hearts but tomorrow, I'll be watching from the outside. Will you watch with me?

My New Life

I knew it was trouble when we kissed. As soon as our lips touched, I felt my control slip away in an instant. Were we ever meant to be? I hope so because I don't think I can take another 'goodbye'. Some nights I stay up all night for no reason but I know you're on my mind. I've thought a lot about my past mistakes and I'm trying not to let that define me. I've got quite a few scars and I'm not sure you understand how many of my cuts still bleed. I just don't want to mess this up. I've been through quite a lot. I've been cheated on and tormented, been played and I'll admit I played some people. Love's been this big game for a while, a game I tend to lose no matter how hard I try. I've cried too many tears and I've got this shell that I retreat to. I've been this way for a long time now and it's not good. So I'm making some changes, dealing with this new body. I'm weak and I'm slowly coming to terms with that. So forgive me if you see my shell when I get scared. Forgive me for the wide places my head goes when I'm not focused. Forgive the things I do without warning and forgive my mood swings when I'm not that stable. You've been so nice to me and without even trying, you've stolen my heart. I want you to keep it and I'm gonna do anything in my power to keep it in your hands. Things are going to get hard and harder still. I don't know how to fix your problems but I can promise Ii can always be there when you need me. I want to be the perfect girl but that's not gonna happen. So just play nice. My hero.

Dark Dreams and Dream Catchers

I'm asking for a gift, but I don't know if you can give it. It's not much but sometimes I feel like it's too much. Just a small little gesture. See, I don't know if you can tell but I'm about as a confident as you are. I get really sad when I'm alone and it's been this way for a long time now. At night, I get really sad. My mind drifts off to the dark places where my old memories are stored. I'm quite needy, quite vulnerable. So I need something from you. When the stars are high and my sadness starts, can you be there? Could you calm me with your arms? Would you hold me tight? I just need you for one night, just one to let me know that I am not alone.

Dancing On Top Of The Flames

I won't back down without a fight. I refuse to just back out. This is my match and I'm gonna win that prize. I've never been a very honorable person but this is my second chance and I won't let them crush it. They keep talking but I'm the one with a machine gun. "Go on and talk!" I shout into the open air. "This is my game, time to play my cards, you know you don't have a chance." My weaponry is open and the ammo is well stocked. Sometimes, you have to be your own hero. I'll let him rest, he's fought well. Now this is one battle no one else can fight. I've got this. Be it Magician or Devil, I'll be ready. Anyone who tried to rip me down, they're gonna get burned by my flames. I have the gasoline in my veins and this war can go on for as long as you want. Keep getting up, I'll keep hitting harder. You can't win this. All those lies you told them, it's coming back for you. I'll get my forces back up. It my fault for getting lazy, thought I was secure but I can quickly remedy that. You are nothing but a puppet and I'm gonna cut you off your strings. Face me if you dare and bring your whole army cause I'll win and you know it.