It's Not Supposed to End Like this

It's not love that I'm feeling, or at least I hope it's not. I can see you in my head and it makes me cry. I don't want to remember you like this. I want to remember you the way we were in the woods. I want to remember our secrets and our hushed voices. I want to remember us that one Christmas morning. I want us to still be together in some sort of way, but that's not how this is gonna end. I'm scared to talk to you, scared you'll yell at me, or worse, you won't. I'm afraid that this was the last straw and I know it's all my fault. I know I can't take any of it back, but I still never lied to you. You were just ready not to trust me. I know what your hearing in your ears, but you're not letting me speak to your heart. I'm not going to lie, I've been crying because I know this is the end. Even as I write this, it's getting harder to see my keyboard. It's been seven years and yet I can't talk to you like I used to. This is what I was talking about, why I said we couldn't be together. Even though you said that you didn't look at me any different after the incident, you were so quick to believe what they said because you had heard it once before. It was two years ago and yet, I was right, you look at me differently. And maybe I deserve that, maybe I deserve to be this mess that I am right now. But you still lied to me. Now you haven't spoken to me in the week. In that week, I've dealt with everyone else. Some listened and heard me out, others fought back. Now there's you and me. I would give anything to call you right now. I'd give anything to hear you laugh, calm me out of my tears, but I know you answer. If I went to your house, would you let me in? Or would you yell at me? Would I even get a goodbye hug? One last time to feel safe in your arms. I never planned any of this. Just one last chance, one last moment, with you, human. Please?

A Dinner Party

Help me mix the brew, time to give everyone a scare. Throw a party and we'll all have a jolly good time. May I have this dance? Now the main event. Ladies and Gents, There's something special in your tea. Made it myself. Now they say that life is short but all of you won't know the true meaning of just how short life can be. Cheers to your demise.

I Refuse....

I refuse to think that the possibility of having full equality in the world would cause anything. I refuse to think that some of my family wouldn't support the decisions I make. I refuse to think that my mom is dying. I refuse to think about the people who have screwed me over or the thought of war. For now, I refuse to think that the world is as bad as it is because maybe in the morning, I can deal with the hate, the pain, the torment and the loss. Maybe in the morning, I'll see the love that I missed today. I await the day when I'll be proud of the world I live in. So just for tonight, I'm going to curl up under my covers and pretend that's it's going to be all right.

Is It Wrong To Feel Nothing?

I know my heart is breaking, I know I didn't think this through. I acted without reason and I know some part of me is reacting, but I can't feel a thing. I'm not going to let myself feel this pain again. Shut off all emotions and pray they don't come up at the wrong time. I'll be okay. I've hurt the people I care most about and it seems like I can't do this anymore. I feel like life would be better if not lived by me. I won't lie, there is a part of me that doesn't want to live anymore but I can't give in. I'll keep running from what scares me and keep running from all these emotions. I'll run away.

Empty

Drowning in the sea I created. Lost in a world all my own. Everything I love wants to leave me. My creative spirit is gone and all I can think of is if I could redo it all. If I could start over. I go through my head of all the things that have happened. The new year with a great smile. Valentine's Day with a valentine. Love that was fully returned. Everything feels broken and I can't stand to face the light of the next day to come. Everything I have done, I have done for a reason and for the first time, I feel like I cannot control my own fate. 'The heart does a slow death, shedding each joy until there is nothing. No hopes, no dreams.' I cannot begin to fathom the amount of pain I have caused nor can I attain for my actions but right now, I need the love of the human for whom I have done wrong. I feel I may lose the biggest part of my new found life.

If Memories Could Kill....

My mind is playing clips from the past, letting me know how idiotic I can be. All those missed moments. Everything I could have done in that time. All the time I could have been with the right people. I wish my prince was here. I wish he could hold me, tell me that the memories can't hurt me here. He would make sure I wouldn't cry in his arms. If I said I loved him, I would be wrong. This love will never leave me, never even try and diminish. I did this, I ruined it and I can't even remember why. I wish I could remember but all I have are these fake letters. Everything I say is worth nothing. I wish I could be more, fix myself but the only time I feel whole is when he whispers how much he still loves me after all I've put him through. But I'm watching these memories flash by as if it was all a distant dream. I can't live like this. I want to pretend that I'll be okay but I know the truth and so do most. My only wish is that he thinks I'm still strong. I hope he thinks that this isn't effecting me. I hope he doesn't learn the truth. I don't want to feel the pain I feel right now knowing that I can't fix this. My sweet prince, if only I could rewind time. All the love I could know is put onto him. All my being. I miss him. I love him. My prince.

Lost Memories

If you fall in love over candy, is it sweet? I once fell in love over candy and it tasted sweet. I always did love the taste of something I had always wished for. He was my prince. So sweet I got a cavity drilled right into my confidence. No matter what he did, I always did doubt myself. It was no one's fault, just my insecurities playing in my head. What was my fault was what I decided to do to try and fix it. I broke his heart over and over again thinking it would be better apart. Well I'm almost always wrong. Every time, I knew I would never be whole without him. Then one day he drew a line and told me we couldn't keep doing this. I had one last chance to prove everything I could be, that I could change. Well I certainly did a bang up job of that. One moment, I'm trying to make it work and the next I'm crying alone. I wish I knew what happened but I don't even remember. So now I'm alone. I wish I knew why but I don't remember. Everyday and night, I run my fingers over the memories, tracing them back through the days. I want to cry but I'm stronger than that.

Not Me.

Somtimes it feels like I lost myself along the way. Feels like I can hardly take another day. Yet all you have given me makes me face everyday no matter what I want to feel. Me and you, we've had our history. Every summer day, every winter night, just dreaming to be in your arms again. I wanted you, I wished for you, then I got you. All my friends say you're not my type, tell me I could do better and I will admit that I have considered it once or twice but then I see that smile light up when you see me and I want you to forever, smile at me. When we're apart, people get ideas in my head and I start to question what I've done for you. I've never been the best, pretty close to the worst. I somtimes lie about how I feel and I hide myself away. I want things to be the way they were. Summer days hardly able to hold each other's hand cause we might blush. We talked about everything without even kissing once. I was proud of that. Proud to say that we liked eachother for our qualities, not our looks. Now days, it's all we ever do. We might talk a little between the kisses. If I'm lucky, I won't get trapped by you. You used to be such a perfect boyfriend. You were perfect but now, you're like them. It's like you don't even care about me. Like 'Love' is just another word to keep me kissing. You stop when I tell you and I respect that but the problem is that we can't talk if we're not kissing. We can't hold conversations without you trying to be the prince and kiss your princess. If you wanted to convuse me, good job cause I can't tell weather I love you or love the old you. My heart still wants to believe that there's still a bit of that boy left in you but my brain is telling me it's all gone. And so far, you havn't proven me wrong. Our 'love' is no more than a game of how far we'll get before I say "Stop". When I want to leave, you sit there and give me eyes that claim you're more than your actions. I fall for the same look everytime, making me feel like the bad guy. Well I'm not. I'm gonna listen to what feels right and until you prove you're better than that, I don't want to feel like crap cause you think you need me. You've made it without me and you can do it again. I don't care if you don't think you were really living cause you didn't have me. If you wanna keep me, you need to proove it cause this time, if I leave, I leave because of you.

A New Day

The maze of our heart never solved. The explanation of the world never over. Never satisfied with today's results. Yet impossible, dreams offer insight to the world outside these limitations. Stop talking, start listening. Hear what they say. Hear what they scream. Hear this world. Once the world becomes silent, the power behind a baby's smile is clear. The force that drives the flower to bloom is astounding. Wrapped up in words always spoken, you can't understand what you miss. Shut your mouth and open your eyes. It's not hard. You've never been the one to be quiet, always speaking your mind. You've never second guessed yourself and you go with whatever feels right. Now it's time for you to slow down and listen to your dreams. Hear the cry of the baby and know what she wants. Listen to her breath as she sleeps. Take care of her. Shield her for as long as you can from the cruel outside world. She is yours to teach, to take, to defend. Inside her smile lies the key to the very existence of life. She is more than you will know. In her presence, you are inferior. Don't hold her to your standards, hold her higher. Teach her what it means to love, to lose. She will be everything the world needs. She is Yours. You are me. She is mine. This baby girl will bring the world to peace. She will be someone great but she has to learn from you. Her first teacher will be your smile. Let her explore. Let her grow. Let her be who she was always meant to be. Perfection, power, and love.

Envy

"You never know how much you love someone until you watch them love someone else." For all this time, it is easy to think everything is fine and over. It's easy to get lost in a dream land but then that moment comes when you watch yours love another. That's when the heart starts to fall apart. All those imaginary walls crashed down to reveal what's really happening. Remembering those times where you were under their arm, fingers intertwined, talking about everything. Now that's gone and there's no taking it back. No time machine, no reset button, just today's pain. Never take what you have now for granted because today's smile could become tomorrow's tear.

What is this?

I can feel it inside my heart, exploring every crack and wrinkle. I held his hand for so long and while it seemed weird, I couldn't understand why I couldn't bring myself to let go. Something inside me wanted our hands to be joined together for eternity. I didn't want it end yet I knew I had to let go before I did something I would regret. No matter what, I don't think I could handle him flying away. As much as it would be better for me, something inside him is mine. Something inside me is him and oh how I wish he knew how much I've tried to change for him. To become the person that my angel can be happy with. I wanted nothing more than to have him hold me close in sweet eternity now, it seems it's just a privilege to know I'm breathing the same air as him. It's hard to understand but it all makes sense in my head. Can I let him go? No, I don't think that's possible. If he ever left this world, I would chase after him even if he would never be with me, I just want him to know how much I truly feel for him. All that I am, my being, is his. Every breath I exhale, is for him. Every tear I shed and laugh that comes out of my mouth, it's all for the chance to see him. I'll never feel this ever again in my life and I want to make the most of it. I want to hear every word he has to speak. Every pulse in his veins, I live for them all.

Oppurtunity

The chance to do something you have wished to do for so long has arisen and what will you do? Will you take advantage, gain the upper hand and do what you have so longed to do? Or will you watch behind curtains, watching those chance just slip by into the night? No matter how much I wish to react, I cannot start without cause. I have been watching, waiting for moments to come and go. Whilst I would love to take the world head on and challenge the ideas of others, I only react because that was how I was made. How I wish you could see my attempts to gain your promise. How I want you to hear my silent pleas for you. Can you hear me at all or am I just that girl you will never hear no matter the date or time? One day, i'll bring myself to take a chance. One day I'll learn how to use this voice of mine. Just please don't let me get carried away....

Cling To the Power of Somthing Greater.

Lost, in a sea of nothing. Everything drowning me yet nothing saving me. I doubt my very being as days turn to weeks turn to months. Time is passing me by as I try to work through everything. Taking time to work out plans. I will join the holy angels. I will become without sin because I know that my prize will be an angel so perfect. I fight for him yet he causes my pain. I worship him yet he doesn't even know what I'm doing. I won't tell him yet. I have to gain back his trust in me. I have banished the devil from my life. My encounters with him are short and nothing ever causes me to lose sight of my path. I will join my angel. I know how he feels about me. I know he could hardly care less about me but I'll fix that. I'll be an angel like him. I'll be like him. Things will change. I won't settle for anyone else. I am on a path, a path strait to my angel's front door. He'll see me. He'll finally see me.

Torn Apart, Taped back

Words. Words that tore me apart. Took all that I knew away from me and left me lying in the dust. Words that released my tears and left me speechless. Words meant to bring me back. Words that pushed me back toward nowhere. Words that broke me away. Now that hands of a devil in angels clothing have tormented me so, I fear I could never go back. I broke down and cried. I broke down and let my tears form a river for me to drown in. He opened his arms and held me close. He fooled me with a perfect smile. As night grew and shadows danced, he pulled me close. He brought flame to a burnt out candle. He made me feel like I was saved, like my heart could be mended. I wanted him there. I tried my best to keep him there. I did things I never would have done just to make him hold me a tad longer. I just wanted the empty part in my heart to be filled as quickly as possible. When Morning woke, it was as if I wasn't there as he brought another girl to her knees. Another girl that needed her heart glued back together. As I laid there and watched. As I pretended not to care. I should have guessed. I should have known. An angel won't come from a devil from the past.

A letter to Karma.

It's true that there are things I hide. It's true that I cry. There are times when I feel worthless, times when facing another day seems so impossible. I try so hard to go through the day, hoping for a miracle. Hoping that my life will get just that much brighter. I hope that the shooting star I wish on will do me a favor. I hope for a day when I don't doubt myself. Minutes turn into hours. Hours into days. Days to months. Months into another year. Still, even after so much time, I never give up hope because I don't want to let go of something so familiar to me. I try so hard not to cry because that just means that another miracle can't come true because I'm spending too much time drying my tears instead of looking for something to be happy about. So why am I so happy all the time? Why am I so against fighting? Why am I trying to fix every one's problems? Because maybe, just maybe, after all this helping and caring, karma will stop being such a bitch and give me a miracle. -2006
Thank you karma for giving me my miracle. I'll take care of his heart for as long as I live.