Toxic Love

   I still let you control my body. I haven't got a tattoo because you said you'd hate it if I did. I grew out my hair for you and never wore makeup. You told me who to be and I'd rather be that person than find out who I am. We've both done some bad things. Me more than you and I wish I could take back the pain. Now I'm watching you slip away and I want to run and take you back. Reclaim you and make sure you never leave me. I want to, but I know this is best. You must go away. It's the only way you can heal and after it all, I need you to heal.
   There are still so many nights where I dream of doing things right. Kissing you when I didn't, choosing you when I didn't. The most painful, staying when I didn't. Maybe it's the pain of anyone who falls in love. Some days it kills me that I cannot kiss you. I want to find myself within you. I would've been anything you asked, if only I had known how to keep you. That night while camping or the bonfire. You could've been my answer but I ruined it. I ruin most things.
   Now you'll leave. You've found someone who makes you happy again. I don't want you to go, I can't be alone again. Without you, how will I know who I am? Without you, what's the point of anything? I want you to be happy. I want to make you happy. I know I shouldn't be with you.
   I've got a life now and that's the important part. I have to hold onto it. That's why I won't stop you. I won't make the same mistakes.
   What I wouldn't give to have one last night. No one watching us, no guilt, just us. If I could kiss you without worry just one last time. In my dreams, I have you. In my dreams, we can be together and that will have to be what I settle for. My life is healthy now but for some reason, I yearn for the pain of your love. I'll dream of you.
   It's painful, the way I love you. Is love supposed to hurt?

Am I Okay?

I can't feel anything. Lost and alone and I didn't think about it. It's been almost a year and for the first time, I feel like I've shared in a moment of your life. For just a moment, it wasn't painful and I smiled a bit. I don't want to mess this up. I don't want you to run away. I'm scared, I'm really scared and everything is up in the air. For once, it didn't suck to be here on this earth. For a moment, my heart raced and it was nice to have my friend back. Please don't let this be the last time.

Again and Again

I've been happy recently. That's a good way to start things off. I've been enjoying my life and how it's been going. Things aren't perfect but they never were. I've just been happy.

Though, I'm not going to lie. I was thinking about you a few nights ago and it hit me hard. I cried again. I wonder how many tears I'm going to shed for you. Thinking about you just sucks away all of my strength, all my will to go on. Every time I think of you, it's like being shot by a sniper. All the pain from before comes back in a short bullet through my chest. You're not even reading these, you're not even worth it. Why do I even care anymore? You don't care about me and I'm starting to wonder if you ever did.

Do you remember when we were everything together? God Dammit! I know I messed it up but for one moment, can we not think about that? For one moment, can we think about how it used to be? The snow, the winter, you were perfect. I saw you drunk on that couch and that wasn't you. Where did you go? Did you leave me forever? You tried to hurt her, you said such horrible things. Have I been in love with the wrong you? Please tell me this is new because I don't know if I could stand to know you've always been like this. Since when did holding me make you cringe? Since when did I become your rival? I can't love you anymore. I've come to terms that you're not the same person I fell in love with.

All I want is to see a glimpse of the love I lost, the man I kissed, the boy I loved so deeply it cut into my soul. For one night, I want to hear you say my name again. Like you used to.

I Don't Want To Wake

My hands in jet black hair, soft lips kissing me, callin me beautiful. There's the playful banter and there's the way I see those blue eyes lookin at me. It's the way he says my name or the way he always answers me. Makes me feel like I can't fail, that things will be okay. I'm changing now because I know I can or at least, he knows I can. That's all I need. That's all I've ever needed is someone to believe in me when I don't have the strength to go forward. Someone to pull me back up after I've fallen apart. Finally, someone to open my eyes for me. Someone to help me fix it all and all he asks in return, is a smile when it's better. All he wants is company. Nothing demanded from me, nothing expected from me, just wanting to be there when I'm better.

What a beautiful dream to have.

What I Needed

I needed a reason to leave this life I've settled for. I finally found it. There's no point missing someone who doesn't love you back or trying to go back to someone who hasn't even opened their arms for you. There's no point being sad about things that you can't change. Unfortunately, you have to feel that pain in full. You can't ignore it and you can't run away from it. The pain follows you and it demands to be paid in full. But oh god, once you feel it all and you can move on, that sun has never felt so good. The wind smells better, the rain feels clean and every one of your senses is back at full. Your favorite food tastes better than you remember it. Your clothes feel softer. In full, this is what living is for. When you can look out on a dark a gloomy night and feel at peace, that's when it's over. You don't have to hurt anymore and life without that pain, no matter for how short of a time, is worth every second. Nothing will beat just knowing your alive and enjoying it. And while being alive may suck 95% of the time, that other 5% is worth everything. It's worth everything to feel alive again.

Shhhh..... It's Still Too Loud

It's not worth it. I'm gonna talk myself down now because it's not worth ruining everything early. It's not worth the pain, the tears or the plans. It's not worth my plans. Yet it's worth a little bit of my heart. It's worth some time and some of my smile. It's worth a little warmth and some kind words. I'm moving on now and finding something new to live for. I'm drawing again and can walk a few blocks without thinking about it. I'm not thinking about his smile every moment anymore. I haven't thought about him in a day and a half. I'm not dressing up for him. In the far back of my mind, I'm pushing thoughts of him away. I don't want to see his car or his favorite color. I don't want to know how he takes his coffee or the numbers to his phone number. I'm trying to forget how his hands felt in my hair and the way he speaks. It's like ripping off a band-aid on a new burn. Every breath of air makes me want to scream and I'm panicking that I don't have him to hold onto in public. I'm trying to stop myself from wanting him anymore because he's already over me.

Smiles Can Kill

You were waiting for me to give you an answer. You were waiting for a reason for the pain, for the longing. You were waiting for a reason to stay and you didn't get one. So you closed off yourself. You shut me out and you went cold. I cried, over and over for many reasons. I needed you because you were the only one who listened. I needed you because you were the only one who cared. You were always the only one who could fix everything. You made it all hurt less. You knew what I needed every time. And yet I was left alone. I was alone for the first time in seven years. I was alone in the world and I had to find a way to deal with the pain. It felt like a thousand knives, being set on fire, like reliving your death all over. Worse yet, the only person who could fix it, was you. You weren't there. The pain did nothing but grow and hurt every day I was outside. My dreams were echos of you and my thoughts were consumed by you. Then I found myself staring at you from across the room. You were fine and that hurt the most. You laughed and smiled and I couldn't even do that. You were okay and I wasn't. I wanted to yell and scream at you, wanted to fight but all I could do was raise my voice a little bit before my tears took over. All that pain came crashing back down on me. I trembled, I cried, I was hurting and you held me for a moment before you were gone again. I cried for an hour afterward. I cried the next day. I cried at work and at home. Smiling felt impossible until I heard I could see you again. I thought I had a chance to take back the tears, for us to be friends again, even if it was just friends. Yet just as I'm starting to get excited, rehearsing what to say and jokes to make, you say you wouldn't go if I was there. You tell them that you don't even know why I was invited. You know how hard it is to get excited about a party when being in crowd scares you? I was gonna do better this time and you shut me down before I had a chance. I was waiting for so long. I was waiting for a reason for the pain. I was waiting for a reason to stay and you still shut me out. Now I'll do even better. I'll learn how to get through the pain. I'll learn how to deal without you. I'll show you that I can be okay without you. That's my last expression of my love. I'll move on because you did. I'll make something for you to be proud of. Because I love you, I'll stop trying to love you. 

'Late for a Very Important Date'

The fabric against my face was the first relief I had felt in so long. I know who you got that shirt from, I know what you like about it. It was soft, comfortable, it felt like home. Your arm around me was the first reassurance that it was okay to cry. The smell of you filled me up like I hadn't breathed in years. I was trembling, crying, scared, vulnerable for the first time in so long. I was weak and even though you didn't know what to do, even though you didn't want to be there or to see me, even though it wasn't your problem, even though I was the one to put you there, you held open your arm. You knew that I couldn't handle it, you knew what I was like when I was weak and you knew I needed you. Even though you aren't reading this, you knew that I needed you.

 I didn't get to say what I wanted to, I didn't get to yell and scream at you. I didn't have a chance to be mad because once you walked in through that door and I saw your face for the first time in four months, I was out of anger. Once I saw you, all that pent-up rage, anger, pain, and sadness, it all just melted away. You were okay and that made me okay. You got a haircut. It looked nice. I heard your laugh and it was so nice. For a moment, even when I was trying so hard to be mad, I was okay because you were there. It was like nothing bad had ever happened. When I went to talk to you, I tried to be mad, I really did but your eyes looking at me.... I can't be mad. I spent this whole time being so mad but you made me feel the pain I had been blocking out. You made me feel what I didn't want to. Talking got harder as my words felt like sandpaper trying to escape. I started crying. Not the small tears or the tears that no one can hear. No, I cried with the pain and sadness of a thousand heartbreaks and so many wounds left unhealed. I didn't mean to, I wanted to be strong so you would see I didn't need you. But you know as much as I do that I need you. I need you in my life. Just you, and I'll do anything to have that. If you want me to make a new start, I'll leave my house right now with a box of clothes and make a new start with you. I'll do anything you ask if you'd just come back.

And for a small moment, when I was at my worst and so broken, you held me to your chest so I could cry. For that moment, there was no one else, just you. It was everything I knew it would be and as I cried, I felt at peace because even though everything was falling apart, I could trust that you could hold me together.

You Can't Sleep Because Someone Was Dreaming Of You

I dreamt of you holding me again. I heard your voice telling me that you were sorry. That you'd never leave me like that. You told me that you just needed some time. Is that what we are now? Is that what we have become? Are we each other's dreams now? I have to settle with my subconscious apologizing for you, and you know what? I accept it for you. I've already forgiven you for this. I've already made amends and now it's just that pause of waiting for you to tell me you mean it. I'm waiting for you to come back. I won't even be mad, I'll act like this never happened. I'll give you whatever you want, I just want you to come back. I want to see you again. The way your beard spirals in that one spot, the ways your blue eyes glint under your glasses, how when you smile, your front teeth poke out a little more. I just want to have you back in whatever way I can. I want something more than this empty pain I've been left with. Just friends? Fine. I don't care how I get you, I just want you and only you. When will this be over?

I Wanna Tell You a Story...

About a great night. I arrived a little late, my boyfriend could only find the place so fast. This was gonna be the night of my first party. I got there with a friend but his girlfriend didn't want him to stay. I told my boyfriend I would stay at this party. Gathered around a campfire, we all laughed about the past four years. You were there and as the night got later, I got closer to you. It was such a nice night and it was such a warm fire. You had a sleeping bag for the two of us. They all started drinking and I laughed as they lost it. You stayed by my side, talking to me cause you knew I had issues. You held me close and for that night, I wasn't anybody's property. I wasn't anyone's problem. I was just having fun, and that was a truly great night.

Now here's the kicker, none of that happened. When my boyfriend asked, I left with him and my friend and I never got to stay. I never tasted that beautiful night. I went home that night, alone, and slept in my bed, alone.

I think about that night all the time. Was that the day I decided I would always be someone else's property? Or was that the night you decided I would never be worth it? Human, I can't read your mind. It's going on four months since we last talked and I can't help but obsess over what I could've done. I've gone over every text, every message, every memory. Was this the one where you decided I wasn't going to be yours again? Will I never be yours again? I know I fucked up, I know what I did but I can't take it back. Is it just one of those things where I have to let you go, even when it pains me so much to know that you're gone every day? If your plan is just to cut everything and leave, can you kill me first so I don't have to endure this pain. I've lost my best friend, the only person who would listen and a person I loved so fully that it's hard to imagine a future without you in it. I cherished every second I had with you and I loved every second we were together. Why am I lost to you when I'm right here, pounding at your door for you to let me in again? Please give me something....

Dust and to Gold

Driving late at night, stars fade under harsh street lights. Hear the engine go, hear it roar against the speed limit. What was it like a year ago? I was in the woods. I was in your car. I was at the movies. I was smiling. Who are you anymore? I've never known you to talk behind someone's back. I've never known you to spread rumors. When I came to terms with everything I had done to you, everything I felt for you, you had changed. You aren't my friend anymore because of a line I gave you three years ago. You looked at me different but you didn't see me different. Then out of nowhere, you changed the lenses, you looked past me like I wasn't worth the time. The only explanation I get is that you changed? That I was too much? Four years and now, nothing. Nothing at all. No voice, no note, not even a hint as to what has happened.

And Now something bigger is happening. Something worse, and I can't talk to you. I don't want to talk to anyone else but I have to find someone else, someone to listen again. A part of me is dying. It hurts, everything hurts and I want to leave. I want to run away into oblivion. See nothing but black darkness of eternal. I'll want to hear you again, so if I call, You're voicemail would probably be nicer. I hope you come to the party.

Yes, It Was You

I loved you. Not the type where it went away or faded, but a type of love so strong that it lit this glorious flame inside of me. I felt I could do anything, I was everything you said I was. But I had never felt so indestructible before, so I made mistakes. I made a great mistake that lead to me losing you. I’ve dated people after you, trying to feel so free again but in truth, the only time I’ve felt alive was when I was in your room, your car, laughing and being what we were before. Now you’ve decided these years weren’t worth it and we aren’t talking. I see parts of you in my life. My friends joke and tell me I’m better off and I’m trying to be. One day, I want to talk to you again and tell you what I’ve been through. I want to call you up again. But I’m starting to understand that I need to learn to be free without you, alive without you. We were best friends, passionate lovers, and everything in between. I love you in such a deep way that it hurts, and I guess that’s the problem, it shouldn’t hurt to love you. It should be easy, but the pain lets me know I have to learn to love before I can love you. I need to love myself, love someone else, just love without you.

Like A Knife

It hurts to see these things, to know that I am gone. I know it for the better, but watching you love another, it still hurts. I don't want to think about it, yet I know I'll have to face it. I don't want to know anything and pretend that it never happened. It still hurts, it's going to hurt. I can't make the pain go away. Hero, I'm glad you found your future girlfriend.

It's Not Supposed to End Like this

It's not love that I'm feeling, or at least I hope it's not. I can see you in my head and it makes me cry. I don't want to remember you like this. I want to remember you the way we were in the woods. I want to remember our secrets and our hushed voices. I want to remember us that one Christmas morning. I want us to still be together in some sort of way, but that's not how this is gonna end. I'm scared to talk to you, scared you'll yell at me, or worse, you won't. I'm afraid that this was the last straw and I know it's all my fault. I know I can't take any of it back, but I still never lied to you. You were just ready not to trust me. I know what your hearing in your ears, but you're not letting me speak to your heart. I'm not going to lie, I've been crying because I know this is the end. Even as I write this, it's getting harder to see my keyboard. It's been seven years and yet I can't talk to you like I used to. This is what I was talking about, why I said we couldn't be together. Even though you said that you didn't look at me any different after the incident, you were so quick to believe what they said because you had heard it once before. It was two years ago and yet, I was right, you look at me differently. And maybe I deserve that, maybe I deserve to be this mess that I am right now. But you still lied to me. Now you haven't spoken to me in the week. In that week, I've dealt with everyone else. Some listened and heard me out, others fought back. Now there's you and me. I would give anything to call you right now. I'd give anything to hear you laugh, calm me out of my tears, but I know you answer. If I went to your house, would you let me in? Or would you yell at me? Would I even get a goodbye hug? One last time to feel safe in your arms. I never planned any of this. Just one last chance, one last moment, with you, human. Please?

A Priceless Girl

It's an often thought of mine, where my princess is. Is she scared to look for me as well? Nervous out in a world full of sharks. I think about her all the time. What color is her hair? Does she like rock or country better? Would she fall asleep on me if she was super sleepy or would she claim she was fine and do her best to stay awake? I think about her all the time. I wonder what color her eyes would be. I wonder what she would get me for valentines day. I know I'd spoil her whenever I got the chance. I'd learn how to cook her favorite meals even though I'm a menace in the kitchen. I'd teach her how to waltz and she'd laugh because I was embarrassing her. We'd watch movies together even though I'd probably pass out while holding her. I've thought it through so many times. I'd take her out on dates but because I can't drive, we'd have to take the bus back. I would do anything in my power to keep her happy because she'd be my little slice of eternal happiness. I can't wait to meet her.

Princess of the Lost Tower

I think of you when I light candles. It's been just over six years and candles still remind me. Still a princess, still have a prince of your own. I've learned to live without devoting every second to you. I still catch myself thinking about a world where we made it through. A world where I was the prince. It's okay though, I've got my own hero but I'd be lying if I said I don't still look for you in the crowds. It's not so much obsessive as it is protective. The world could crush me down into liquid but I'd still try and hold it off your shoulders. Sometimes I'm hopeful that I'll see that little glimmer of love you had for me. I know I still can't afford much but I'd gladly share my honey stick with you. As always, if you ever need me, I'm still in the same place. And my room will spell like candles.

Three days out of Fourteen

I'm alone tonight. Been alone the past few nights and I still have a while to go. It's starting to hurt, that stab when you left. Like the numb in a wound. The tears stung my face, little acid droplets. I told myself not to cry. It wasn't until those last few seconds that I noticed that you were really leaving. I didn't think it would happen, but here I am, craving a sweet embrace I cannot have. I'm holding back the tears cause it's only been three days. Save my tears for your return. Cry into your shoulder because that's where I long to be. It seems so far away right now. The days where I was holding you, the days where you were no farther than arm's reach. It's only been three days yet I feel like each hour takes a part of me. This can't last forever. And then, the dark side shows and I'm scared. This can't last forever, he has to come back, right? He'll come back in one piece. He won't leave forever. He'll kiss me again, right? There are so many things that could go wrong. And it's only been three days.

Running As Fast as I can

Running away from everything I once knew. I'm running from the life I once lived. There won't be a life to come back to after this. The memories of my old life, it's odd how things got this way. I'm still not sure what forever means, still not sure how love is supposed to work. Hell, I'm not even sure if I can make it in the real world. Right now, I'm diving head first into the ocean. Am I even ready for this? Can it be true that it's time so soon? Leaving everything I held dear to start a new life with them. What am I going to do?

You're My God?

You're yelling and screaming, drowning in the ocean of your own tears. When did Alice start watching others suffer in her Wonderland? I'm sorry you've done this to yourself. I'm so sorry you thought you could be God. Well honey, if you're God then I'm an atheist for a damn good reason. It's over and done with, there's nothing you can say that can save yourself. So God, start praying for some forgiveness. Maybe your God is kinder than you are. Maybe your God will understand your sins?

At Least I Have a Band-Aid

My thumb's bleeding darling. Will you suck out the blood? Would you suck out my heart? I feel like it's breaking again. I never thought a heart could ache so much when you're so deeply in love. Darling? What's wrong with me today? What was wrong yesterday? I'm not alone yet the solitude is surrounding me on all sides. I'm not alone yet my body is a cold as the tundra. When you're in love, isn't it supposed to be warm? Hot with passion, cool with temptation? No one told me about the cold, I didn't have time to bundle up. Where's the kisses in the rain, love story moments? When was love changed on me? I have to admit, the sour makes the sweet that much sweeter. Can you feel me screaming silently into the air? Can you hear my blood dripping on the carpet? Please tell me I'm not alone when I go crazy over your love. Is this what love is supposed to feel like?