Again and Again

I've been happy recently. That's a good way to start things off. I've been enjoying my life and how it's been going. Things aren't perfect but they never were. I've just been happy.

Though, I'm not going to lie. I was thinking about you a few nights ago and it hit me hard. I cried again. I wonder how many tears I'm going to shed for you. Thinking about you just sucks away all of my strength, all my will to go on. Every time I think of you, it's like being shot by a sniper. All the pain from before comes back in a short bullet through my chest. You're not even reading these, you're not even worth it. Why do I even care anymore? You don't care about me and I'm starting to wonder if you ever did.

Do you remember when we were everything together? God Dammit! I know I messed it up but for one moment, can we not think about that? For one moment, can we think about how it used to be? The snow, the winter, you were perfect. I saw you drunk on that couch and that wasn't you. Where did you go? Did you leave me forever? You tried to hurt her, you said such horrible things. Have I been in love with the wrong you? Please tell me this is new because I don't know if I could stand to know you've always been like this. Since when did holding me make you cringe? Since when did I become your rival? I can't love you anymore. I've come to terms that you're not the same person I fell in love with.

All I want is to see a glimpse of the love I lost, the man I kissed, the boy I loved so deeply it cut into my soul. For one night, I want to hear you say my name again. Like you used to.

A Morning Snow

It's early morning and it's been raining for days. Streets are cold and the wind cuts your face. I was out walking because that was the only thing that made sense to me. Just kept walking until it started not to hurt. Wandering for hours and I found myself at a door I had walked through many times before. A door that had always opened to greet me in the warmest of ways. Now it was early in the morning and I know no one behind that door is awake but there is one person I want to see. I walk across the darkness and open the bedroom door. He's asleep and for some reason, all I care about at that moment is touching his skin. For some reason all I can think about is his voice saying my name. Without even thinking, I'm crawling into his bed while he sleeps. My hair is still wet, my skin is still icy and yet, I just want to touch him. He doesn't wake right away but his arms pull around me as he sleeps. My problems are gone, my worries are melted and it's just me looking at him. It's just us as a fall asleep in his embrace.

Back Me Up

Taste the sweet love as it pours into your soul. We are not defined by the love we live for. I'm sitting in a corner crying. It hurts to know I'm not for him. It hurts to know I wasn't worth the time anymore. I was sitting in corner crying and he walked up. I've been sad for so long about him. He picked me up. What was the point of all this pain? He held me close, breathing new air into me. He made me see where I've been. How things have been changing while I was gone. He held my hand and walked through all the things that changed while I was sad. He showed me a map of where I needed to go from there; how to change the hell I had fallen in. Now I'm working to get out of this pain. Now I'm building something and when I start to fall, when the pain starts to come back, he stands behind me, whispering "This isn't the end," Now I'm going to live.

What I Needed

I needed a reason to leave this life I've settled for. I finally found it. There's no point missing someone who doesn't love you back or trying to go back to someone who hasn't even opened their arms for you. There's no point being sad about things that you can't change. Unfortunately, you have to feel that pain in full. You can't ignore it and you can't run away from it. The pain follows you and it demands to be paid in full. But oh god, once you feel it all and you can move on, that sun has never felt so good. The wind smells better, the rain feels clean and every one of your senses is back at full. Your favorite food tastes better than you remember it. Your clothes feel softer. In full, this is what living is for. When you can look out on a dark a gloomy night and feel at peace, that's when it's over. You don't have to hurt anymore and life without that pain, no matter for how short of a time, is worth every second. Nothing will beat just knowing your alive and enjoying it. And while being alive may suck 95% of the time, that other 5% is worth everything. It's worth everything to feel alive again.

'Late for a Very Important Date'

The fabric against my face was the first relief I had felt in so long. I know who you got that shirt from, I know what you like about it. It was soft, comfortable, it felt like home. Your arm around me was the first reassurance that it was okay to cry. The smell of you filled me up like I hadn't breathed in years. I was trembling, crying, scared, vulnerable for the first time in so long. I was weak and even though you didn't know what to do, even though you didn't want to be there or to see me, even though it wasn't your problem, even though I was the one to put you there, you held open your arm. You knew that I couldn't handle it, you knew what I was like when I was weak and you knew I needed you. Even though you aren't reading this, you knew that I needed you.

 I didn't get to say what I wanted to, I didn't get to yell and scream at you. I didn't have a chance to be mad because once you walked in through that door and I saw your face for the first time in four months, I was out of anger. Once I saw you, all that pent-up rage, anger, pain, and sadness, it all just melted away. You were okay and that made me okay. You got a haircut. It looked nice. I heard your laugh and it was so nice. For a moment, even when I was trying so hard to be mad, I was okay because you were there. It was like nothing bad had ever happened. When I went to talk to you, I tried to be mad, I really did but your eyes looking at me.... I can't be mad. I spent this whole time being so mad but you made me feel the pain I had been blocking out. You made me feel what I didn't want to. Talking got harder as my words felt like sandpaper trying to escape. I started crying. Not the small tears or the tears that no one can hear. No, I cried with the pain and sadness of a thousand heartbreaks and so many wounds left unhealed. I didn't mean to, I wanted to be strong so you would see I didn't need you. But you know as much as I do that I need you. I need you in my life. Just you, and I'll do anything to have that. If you want me to make a new start, I'll leave my house right now with a box of clothes and make a new start with you. I'll do anything you ask if you'd just come back.

And for a small moment, when I was at my worst and so broken, you held me to your chest so I could cry. For that moment, there was no one else, just you. It was everything I knew it would be and as I cried, I felt at peace because even though everything was falling apart, I could trust that you could hold me together.

Dust and to Gold

Driving late at night, stars fade under harsh street lights. Hear the engine go, hear it roar against the speed limit. What was it like a year ago? I was in the woods. I was in your car. I was at the movies. I was smiling. Who are you anymore? I've never known you to talk behind someone's back. I've never known you to spread rumors. When I came to terms with everything I had done to you, everything I felt for you, you had changed. You aren't my friend anymore because of a line I gave you three years ago. You looked at me different but you didn't see me different. Then out of nowhere, you changed the lenses, you looked past me like I wasn't worth the time. The only explanation I get is that you changed? That I was too much? Four years and now, nothing. Nothing at all. No voice, no note, not even a hint as to what has happened.

And Now something bigger is happening. Something worse, and I can't talk to you. I don't want to talk to anyone else but I have to find someone else, someone to listen again. A part of me is dying. It hurts, everything hurts and I want to leave. I want to run away into oblivion. See nothing but black darkness of eternal. I'll want to hear you again, so if I call, You're voicemail would probably be nicer. I hope you come to the party.

Haven't Had Enough

One taste and I'm thinking that it's the one who got away but I'm too far gone. It's too late for me. I've already made things impossible for myself. Now I'm sitting, wondering, what if?

A Priceless Girl

It's an often thought of mine, where my princess is. Is she scared to look for me as well? Nervous out in a world full of sharks. I think about her all the time. What color is her hair? Does she like rock or country better? Would she fall asleep on me if she was super sleepy or would she claim she was fine and do her best to stay awake? I think about her all the time. I wonder what color her eyes would be. I wonder what she would get me for valentines day. I know I'd spoil her whenever I got the chance. I'd learn how to cook her favorite meals even though I'm a menace in the kitchen. I'd teach her how to waltz and she'd laugh because I was embarrassing her. We'd watch movies together even though I'd probably pass out while holding her. I've thought it through so many times. I'd take her out on dates but because I can't drive, we'd have to take the bus back. I would do anything in my power to keep her happy because she'd be my little slice of eternal happiness. I can't wait to meet her.

Three days out of Fourteen

I'm alone tonight. Been alone the past few nights and I still have a while to go. It's starting to hurt, that stab when you left. Like the numb in a wound. The tears stung my face, little acid droplets. I told myself not to cry. It wasn't until those last few seconds that I noticed that you were really leaving. I didn't think it would happen, but here I am, craving a sweet embrace I cannot have. I'm holding back the tears cause it's only been three days. Save my tears for your return. Cry into your shoulder because that's where I long to be. It seems so far away right now. The days where I was holding you, the days where you were no farther than arm's reach. It's only been three days yet I feel like each hour takes a part of me. This can't last forever. And then, the dark side shows and I'm scared. This can't last forever, he has to come back, right? He'll come back in one piece. He won't leave forever. He'll kiss me again, right? There are so many things that could go wrong. And it's only been three days.

Turn Off The Lights

Bra strap hanging off my shoulder, cold air hitting my bare skin. Whip my pants into the hamper, shirt soon to follow. I'm laying awake thinking about him and his damn green eyes. I'm thinking about his hands in my hair and his lips on every inch of me. Got nothing but his sweater on and I know he'd find it so cute. My mischievous little mind is up to it's no good tricks with those damned green eyes. I've got some lovin to give and man do I wish I could have it tonight. I'll wait like a good little girl, can't rush perfection. Gotta give him something to want, give him a chance to want. Just because I want it now, doesn't mean I should. The best wines take time so I'll let this little thought brew in my head. Sides, gotta savour that cake. That green eyed cake.

I Wanna Hold Your Hand

Let's take a walk darling, just the two of us. Let's take a walk around in the grass. I wanna talk to you. Tell me about yourself, tell me about your likes and dislikes, your fears and your and dreams. Let's take a moment to just find out who we are again. So lets hold hands and take a walk, let's see all the brighter things in life. Just because I love you darling.

We Both Matter, Don't We?

I don't care what the doctors tell you, I don't care what your parents or friends tell you. I don't care what they have to say about you because I know who you are. I know it all now. I know those hard choices and the pain you've endured. I know... I know hun. They all tell me different things. They've told me I could do better, that you're not the right person. I've heard it all, even from you. Heard all the voices telling me what I should do, who I should be with and how I should live my life. Well I've started to laugh, make them think I'll do what they say. I've already made up my mind, you're in my future. The path I walk now, I'll walk with you. We'll guide each other. We're running the same way. I'm done listening to all of them, even you. I know what I want, I know I'll find it with you. Whatever I can get out of this life, I'll get it with you. No, you're not the best I could do and no you aren't perfect. If I was chasing perfection, I wouldn't have stayed. If I wanted the most handsome or the smartest, I wouldn't have stopped for you. I'm not looking for the most successful or the one with money, I'm looking for the one who changes my insides, stirs my imagination, wakes me. I don't need a big brother or the perfect husband, I need the one with flaws. I need the one who makes me happy. I need the one who can help me see. I chose you. Who else could match my sarcasm? Who else could see under my hard shell? Who else could repair the broken girl? We're not going to have the perfect love story or be the cute couple on campus. We're gonna be the ones who people will see together for the rest of their lives. Through the fights and the tears, holding me through the nightmares, you'll be with me. We're both a little not right. We'll always be the puzzle pieces that don't fit in the big picture. But I fit with you.

Dark Paradise

They tell me to forget your face, forget the memories, forget those nights. Yet every time I close my eyes, it seems you're staring back at me. When you haunt my dreams, I don't want to wake up no matter how much they hurt. I've tried to let go before and all it did was get me in trouble. So I've just settled with the fact that I'm never going to fully let you go, at least not for a long while yet. It's going on three years since you left and here I am, still writing in my notebooks, still wishing on stars. One day I'll finally forget you. Maybe then, it won't hurt anymore.

I Refuse....

I refuse to think that the possibility of having full equality in the world would cause anything. I refuse to think that some of my family wouldn't support the decisions I make. I refuse to think that my mom is dying. I refuse to think about the people who have screwed me over or the thought of war. For now, I refuse to think that the world is as bad as it is because maybe in the morning, I can deal with the hate, the pain, the torment and the loss. Maybe in the morning, I'll see the love that I missed today. I await the day when I'll be proud of the world I live in. So just for tonight, I'm going to curl up under my covers and pretend that's it's going to be all right.

My New Life

I knew it was trouble when we kissed. As soon as our lips touched, I felt my control slip away in an instant. Were we ever meant to be? I hope so because I don't think I can take another 'goodbye'. Some nights I stay up all night for no reason but I know you're on my mind. I've thought a lot about my past mistakes and I'm trying not to let that define me. I've got quite a few scars and I'm not sure you understand how many of my cuts still bleed. I just don't want to mess this up. I've been through quite a lot. I've been cheated on and tormented, been played and I'll admit I played some people. Love's been this big game for a while, a game I tend to lose no matter how hard I try. I've cried too many tears and I've got this shell that I retreat to. I've been this way for a long time now and it's not good. So I'm making some changes, dealing with this new body. I'm weak and I'm slowly coming to terms with that. So forgive me if you see my shell when I get scared. Forgive me for the wide places my head goes when I'm not focused. Forgive the things I do without warning and forgive my mood swings when I'm not that stable. You've been so nice to me and without even trying, you've stolen my heart. I want you to keep it and I'm gonna do anything in my power to keep it in your hands. Things are going to get hard and harder still. I don't know how to fix your problems but I can promise Ii can always be there when you need me. I want to be the perfect girl but that's not gonna happen. So just play nice. My hero.

The Odd One

We're the targets, everyone blaming us. We're the gamers, escaping reality on every console. We're the dreamers, making up the future we want. We're the odd ones yet I couldn't be happier just like that. You and I, we're gonna run fast toward the sun. For us, the world is wide open, never ever limiting ourselves. We've got the killer smiles and the worst jokes, yet I wouldn't change a thing. After all the hell we've been through, after the hard times and the never-ending tears, we know that it's time to look up and smile. Fight our way to the happy days. Fight our way to the summer memories and the winter smiles. I'll fight for you, you'll fight for me and we'll get to where we're going. Because we're the targets, no one wants our problems. We're the gamers, laughing and playing games. We're the dreamers, always getting back on track. We're the odd ones yet I couldn't be happier just like that.

Green Lightning Strikes

A flash across the skies above, the air changes and love can be love again. No more pointless games, no more stupid tricks, just love the way it should be. When our eyes meet, it's nothing but pure. Someone who will miss me. Someone who saved me from pointless love. One willing to fight on every plain for me. Sweet cherry love from one brave enough to fight. All this time, I should have known. His sword drawn, blessed with my heart, forward he will march. I will fight alongside him. I'm tired of forever not meaning forever. So I will fight with him for as long as I can.

Mark Of The Lost

Calm yourself little girl. Your time will come to fight those who torment. I'm sorry you cry tonight when you aren't the one to blame. My little girl, don't cry. Inside your mind is prince who can fight for you. We all know how scared you are, so I'll let you sleep while I fight these battles for you. You are too sweet to be in this cruel world. What with Demons and Devils, Magicians and Angels. The world is full of those who will hurt you but I will fight for you. I am part of you, the part that can take a hit. I can fight back and I will defend what is left of your sanity. So while you hold tight to your hero, I will fight off the monsters that still want to ruin what you have found. Be Yourself around him, let him love the real you. No one else knows you, knows all your little quirks so share that with someone. That hero with the green eyes, he's going to keep you safe. I can handle everything else, as long as you fall in love with someone who finally knows you.

Kiss Me

A kiss is like redemption. When done correctly, you are left with beauty and perfection. You feel as if the world cannot hold you. Otherwise it leaves you feeling washed up and used. So I guess a kiss is also like sin. Either way it's a fine line.