-Unrelated Note-

I want to tell him to run, tell him that I'm not worth anything. I want him to run away from me yet I keep pulling back. I keep going back. I want to laugh like this forever and I want to see that smile every day. Maybe I don't need my human to tell me to move on. Maybe I don't need someone else to take control of my life. I can do this. I can take my life into my own hands. With the promise that one day, I'll be someone better.

One Last Goodbye

I guess I've been holding on too hard. I guess I just lost. I haven't lost in a long time so I'm not sure how to handle it. I guess I've been missing an idea of you that no longer exists. Though I still think it's dumb what happened, and the words you said, honestly you could've tried to make me feel a little better about it. That was kinda mean, making me leave your house, crying all the way across town. Really, you need some sensitivity training. Your flaws are as human as you are. I had this idea of you for so long that I don't know how to see you now. I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't forgive you the second you asked. I'm weak like that. I've been trying to make a life around you and I guess it's not working. I moved back into town, tried to get an apartment near you and I've been trying to plan my life around your schedule. I give up.

I've been going over all the memories, picking out my favorites and talking about you all the time. I've told everyone our story, beginning to end. My mistakes, yours too, all our moments and our fights. I think my favorite is still the camping trip though I promise I'll keep my mouth shut about somethings, I promised you. Though it was still one of my favorite few days. The campfire and just everyone. Your old truck and I swear she gets prettier with age. I had a rock in my back every night so it was either get closer or go to the other side of the tent. And I was so scared when I thought I heard a bear and got even more scared when you said it was a moose. We stayed an extra night out there because we were all too lazy to pack up.

Then it goes to science class when were separated because of interplanetary jokes. Years later, we'd walk ten miles just to get back that joke. Though it was unsafe, I loved walking that late at night with you, just talking for hours. The first time we did it, we got halfway there and thought we had parked in a tow-away zone and turned back as fast as we could. The stars were so pretty, the tide was going and I told you that I wanted to see high tide one day.

And I know they were part of the reason we don't talk anymore, but I remember what it felt like to kiss you every time, from the first to the last. I think that's what I may miss most but my life is too unstable to trap you with me. I would love to drop everything for you but dropping everything means a lot more now than it did when this began. When this started, I had nothing to lose and I could throw it all, but now I have a crappy life with a crappy job and a broken-down house with loud and annoying roommates. I'd love to drop it all but other people depend on me. I'd lose my room at a house that I help pay for. I'd lose my internet to write you these dumb posts and all for you to probably be in the same place you are now.

I'll be here if you need me.

One Lifetime

This must be love. The longing, the heartbeat under the stars, some sort of craving. I've fallen in love over and over again, so many times that it feels like I was never meant to be with one person for the rest of my life. I keep trying though, keep pushing to see how long I can live with them. Sometimes, I feel like I'm too good for you, like I know I could do better. I never end it though. I always stay because I know I don't want to do better. There are days when I'm not even sure why I try to stay. There are days when I want to flirt with everyone, be some kind of player/heartbreaker. It's been years since I tried but I know I can't live like that. No matter what, I'll always fall too hard, stay too long all because I hate being alone. Now here's my hero and I'm not going to break his heart, it's already breaking on it's own. I want to help him, I want to stay forever. I want it to last a lifetime, can we try?

Your Future Girlfriend

Is she like me? Does she listen to all the things you mumble in your sleep? Will she hold you tight and make the pain go away? I'm sorry love, but I can't make it go away. I can't end the pain but I'll stay close to you until you find that girl who can help you like I never could. I'm sorry but I'm a little possessive. She'll have to win you before I try and let go. Believe it or not, I need you because you make my pain go away even if it's only for a minute, I'm at peace with you. So please don't leave me until you're sure you found your soulmate in her. Until then, can I stay and pretend a little longer that I can help? That I'm the future girlfriend and not someone else?

The Drive Home

When we can't be together, my mind gets mixed up in all sorts of things. I can't tell if I'm paranoid or just worried. Maybe I'm selfish, wanting all your smiles to be mine. I want to be your escape, your happy place. I've been bothered recently about things I know I shouldn't worry about, about things that don't even concern me. I've been watching from afar as my only friend starts to leave me. Maybe it's because I've never been this alone in my life, or maybe it's that I can't let go. Things that never used to scare me, now render me hopeless and frightened. I know it's stupid of me to feel this way but I can't stop it. I'm not even sure how to stop it. I can't ask for things, I can't say things, because all my words don't sound right. I don't want to be too demanding, I can't be assertive. I've had to do things on my own and it's like stepping off the shelf in the ocean into that void. I'm scared and running out of air. I don't want to bother you to help me, I don't want to ask for help because I know they have more important things to do. Now, one by one, my friends are leaving me behind and I can't help it, I can't change it, and soon you'll be the only one I have left. I don't want to put that stress on you. I don't want to be a burden. I need you too hold me tight or at least hold my hand. I can't just jump out into the world, I can't just change. I need you to help me.

We Both Matter, Don't We?

I don't care what the doctors tell you, I don't care what your parents or friends tell you. I don't care what they have to say about you because I know who you are. I know it all now. I know those hard choices and the pain you've endured. I know... I know hun. They all tell me different things. They've told me I could do better, that you're not the right person. I've heard it all, even from you. Heard all the voices telling me what I should do, who I should be with and how I should live my life. Well I've started to laugh, make them think I'll do what they say. I've already made up my mind, you're in my future. The path I walk now, I'll walk with you. We'll guide each other. We're running the same way. I'm done listening to all of them, even you. I know what I want, I know I'll find it with you. Whatever I can get out of this life, I'll get it with you. No, you're not the best I could do and no you aren't perfect. If I was chasing perfection, I wouldn't have stayed. If I wanted the most handsome or the smartest, I wouldn't have stopped for you. I'm not looking for the most successful or the one with money, I'm looking for the one who changes my insides, stirs my imagination, wakes me. I don't need a big brother or the perfect husband, I need the one with flaws. I need the one who makes me happy. I need the one who can help me see. I chose you. Who else could match my sarcasm? Who else could see under my hard shell? Who else could repair the broken girl? We're not going to have the perfect love story or be the cute couple on campus. We're gonna be the ones who people will see together for the rest of their lives. Through the fights and the tears, holding me through the nightmares, you'll be with me. We're both a little not right. We'll always be the puzzle pieces that don't fit in the big picture. But I fit with you.

When You Think You Have A Chance

I wonder what went wrong. I wonder who decided or who voted. I wonder why they did, I wonder what could've happened to make them do it. Why not me? I thought it was solid, I thought I could, but in the end I guess I wasn't that great. I wanted it more and more with each passing day and now, there's nothing left but shattered dreams and a love to hold me together. I won't lie, I wanted to go. I didn't care about the cost or the problems ahead. I didn't care what else would happen as long as this did. Now I know that it won't happen and the thought is crushing, weighing down upon me like the world on Atlas' shoulders. I won't cry, nor will I whine or stomp my feet, I'll just accept and let it go.I'll try and forget about it.