Smiles Can Kill

You were waiting for me to give you an answer. You were waiting for a reason for the pain, for the longing. You were waiting for a reason to stay and you didn't get one. So you closed off yourself. You shut me out and you went cold. I cried, over and over for many reasons. I needed you because you were the only one who listened. I needed you because you were the only one who cared. You were always the only one who could fix everything. You made it all hurt less. You knew what I needed every time. And yet I was left alone. I was alone for the first time in seven years. I was alone in the world and I had to find a way to deal with the pain. It felt like a thousand knives, being set on fire, like reliving your death all over. Worse yet, the only person who could fix it, was you. You weren't there. The pain did nothing but grow and hurt every day I was outside. My dreams were echos of you and my thoughts were consumed by you. Then I found myself staring at you from across the room. You were fine and that hurt the most. You laughed and smiled and I couldn't even do that. You were okay and I wasn't. I wanted to yell and scream at you, wanted to fight but all I could do was raise my voice a little bit before my tears took over. All that pain came crashing back down on me. I trembled, I cried, I was hurting and you held me for a moment before you were gone again. I cried for an hour afterward. I cried the next day. I cried at work and at home. Smiling felt impossible until I heard I could see you again. I thought I had a chance to take back the tears, for us to be friends again, even if it was just friends. Yet just as I'm starting to get excited, rehearsing what to say and jokes to make, you say you wouldn't go if I was there. You tell them that you don't even know why I was invited. You know how hard it is to get excited about a party when being in crowd scares you? I was gonna do better this time and you shut me down before I had a chance. I was waiting for so long. I was waiting for a reason for the pain. I was waiting for a reason to stay and you still shut me out. Now I'll do even better. I'll learn how to get through the pain. I'll learn how to deal without you. I'll show you that I can be okay without you. That's my last expression of my love. I'll move on because you did. I'll make something for you to be proud of. Because I love you, I'll stop trying to love you. 

You Can't Break This

You've made your choice. You didn't even say it to me but I heard it all. I get it so it's whatever. I'll let you go and move on with my life. All this time, I thought that you would change your mind or that you could see that I've changed. I guess I was looking for you to act a little older than you wanna be. I don't need someone who wants to act like a 12-year-old with someone else's heart. I'm not gonna lie, it hurts but I'll find some other way to feel better. I don't want to waste any more time on this fantasy that you could be the person you used to be for me. I'm not going to let you have the satisfaction of ruining me. I can be happy without you and I'm going to be. I hope one day you look back and see that you missed the perfect chance. But I'm not going to wait for you to grow a pair. I'm gonna look great. I'm gonna wear dresses and cute panties. I'm gonna style the hair you wanted me to grow out. Every single thing you gave to me from your shirts to my confidence, I'm gonna make it all mine so there won't be a thing I can thank you for. You'll be just another picture in a box. Watch me turn into a queen before your eyes. Fucking watch me.

'Late for a Very Important Date'

The fabric against my face was the first relief I had felt in so long. I know who you got that shirt from, I know what you like about it. It was soft, comfortable, it felt like home. Your arm around me was the first reassurance that it was okay to cry. The smell of you filled me up like I hadn't breathed in years. I was trembling, crying, scared, vulnerable for the first time in so long. I was weak and even though you didn't know what to do, even though you didn't want to be there or to see me, even though it wasn't your problem, even though I was the one to put you there, you held open your arm. You knew that I couldn't handle it, you knew what I was like when I was weak and you knew I needed you. Even though you aren't reading this, you knew that I needed you.

 I didn't get to say what I wanted to, I didn't get to yell and scream at you. I didn't have a chance to be mad because once you walked in through that door and I saw your face for the first time in four months, I was out of anger. Once I saw you, all that pent-up rage, anger, pain, and sadness, it all just melted away. You were okay and that made me okay. You got a haircut. It looked nice. I heard your laugh and it was so nice. For a moment, even when I was trying so hard to be mad, I was okay because you were there. It was like nothing bad had ever happened. When I went to talk to you, I tried to be mad, I really did but your eyes looking at me.... I can't be mad. I spent this whole time being so mad but you made me feel the pain I had been blocking out. You made me feel what I didn't want to. Talking got harder as my words felt like sandpaper trying to escape. I started crying. Not the small tears or the tears that no one can hear. No, I cried with the pain and sadness of a thousand heartbreaks and so many wounds left unhealed. I didn't mean to, I wanted to be strong so you would see I didn't need you. But you know as much as I do that I need you. I need you in my life. Just you, and I'll do anything to have that. If you want me to make a new start, I'll leave my house right now with a box of clothes and make a new start with you. I'll do anything you ask if you'd just come back.

And for a small moment, when I was at my worst and so broken, you held me to your chest so I could cry. For that moment, there was no one else, just you. It was everything I knew it would be and as I cried, I felt at peace because even though everything was falling apart, I could trust that you could hold me together.

It's Not Supposed to End Like this

It's not love that I'm feeling, or at least I hope it's not. I can see you in my head and it makes me cry. I don't want to remember you like this. I want to remember you the way we were in the woods. I want to remember our secrets and our hushed voices. I want to remember us that one Christmas morning. I want us to still be together in some sort of way, but that's not how this is gonna end. I'm scared to talk to you, scared you'll yell at me, or worse, you won't. I'm afraid that this was the last straw and I know it's all my fault. I know I can't take any of it back, but I still never lied to you. You were just ready not to trust me. I know what your hearing in your ears, but you're not letting me speak to your heart. I'm not going to lie, I've been crying because I know this is the end. Even as I write this, it's getting harder to see my keyboard. It's been seven years and yet I can't talk to you like I used to. This is what I was talking about, why I said we couldn't be together. Even though you said that you didn't look at me any different after the incident, you were so quick to believe what they said because you had heard it once before. It was two years ago and yet, I was right, you look at me differently. And maybe I deserve that, maybe I deserve to be this mess that I am right now. But you still lied to me. Now you haven't spoken to me in the week. In that week, I've dealt with everyone else. Some listened and heard me out, others fought back. Now there's you and me. I would give anything to call you right now. I'd give anything to hear you laugh, calm me out of my tears, but I know you answer. If I went to your house, would you let me in? Or would you yell at me? Would I even get a goodbye hug? One last time to feel safe in your arms. I never planned any of this. Just one last chance, one last moment, with you, human. Please?

Running As Fast as I can

Running away from everything I once knew. I'm running from the life I once lived. There won't be a life to come back to after this. The memories of my old life, it's odd how things got this way. I'm still not sure what forever means, still not sure how love is supposed to work. Hell, I'm not even sure if I can make it in the real world. Right now, I'm diving head first into the ocean. Am I even ready for this? Can it be true that it's time so soon? Leaving everything I held dear to start a new life with them. What am I going to do?

You're My God?

You're yelling and screaming, drowning in the ocean of your own tears. When did Alice start watching others suffer in her Wonderland? I'm sorry you've done this to yourself. I'm so sorry you thought you could be God. Well honey, if you're God then I'm an atheist for a damn good reason. It's over and done with, there's nothing you can say that can save yourself. So God, start praying for some forgiveness. Maybe your God is kinder than you are. Maybe your God will understand your sins?

The Drive Home

When we can't be together, my mind gets mixed up in all sorts of things. I can't tell if I'm paranoid or just worried. Maybe I'm selfish, wanting all your smiles to be mine. I want to be your escape, your happy place. I've been bothered recently about things I know I shouldn't worry about, about things that don't even concern me. I've been watching from afar as my only friend starts to leave me. Maybe it's because I've never been this alone in my life, or maybe it's that I can't let go. Things that never used to scare me, now render me hopeless and frightened. I know it's stupid of me to feel this way but I can't stop it. I'm not even sure how to stop it. I can't ask for things, I can't say things, because all my words don't sound right. I don't want to be too demanding, I can't be assertive. I've had to do things on my own and it's like stepping off the shelf in the ocean into that void. I'm scared and running out of air. I don't want to bother you to help me, I don't want to ask for help because I know they have more important things to do. Now, one by one, my friends are leaving me behind and I can't help it, I can't change it, and soon you'll be the only one I have left. I don't want to put that stress on you. I don't want to be a burden. I need you too hold me tight or at least hold my hand. I can't just jump out into the world, I can't just change. I need you to help me.

When You Think You Have A Chance

I wonder what went wrong. I wonder who decided or who voted. I wonder why they did, I wonder what could've happened to make them do it. Why not me? I thought it was solid, I thought I could, but in the end I guess I wasn't that great. I wanted it more and more with each passing day and now, there's nothing left but shattered dreams and a love to hold me together. I won't lie, I wanted to go. I didn't care about the cost or the problems ahead. I didn't care what else would happen as long as this did. Now I know that it won't happen and the thought is crushing, weighing down upon me like the world on Atlas' shoulders. I won't cry, nor will I whine or stomp my feet, I'll just accept and let it go.I'll try and forget about it.

Valen-fucking-tines Day

I don't give shit if you're in love, you rub that in my face every other day of the year. I don't give a damn that he did something so cute. I don't want to hear about how romantic your night was and I don't want to hear about all the useless shit you got. Those chocolates are gonna make you sick anyway. So stop rubbing it in my damn face that you're in love and had a happy day together. Even though if you do anything overly romantic today, it just means you aren't in love. Anyone who really fell in love, would show it every day, not just the gift giving holidays. With their actions and words and little bits of love every single day. If this is the day you get overly romantic, then I hope you two love your short relationship together.