How Many Times Can I call?

Now I know it's my addiction to you. Now I know it's the chemicals in my brain telling me I need you. How do I ignore all the voices telling me to run back? I sometimes wonder if it'll be easier when you move away.

Enough with the cryptic bullshit,

I know you're not reading this. I know you stopped caring. Why I keep writing in this damned place is beyond me.  I want this pain to stop. Being with you is painful and being without is worse. I've made a life of myself and I've told you before, I'm not going down again.

How I crave the soft touch of your fingers across my chest and the pale light through the curtains. I miss the smell of your unwashed hair and how it felt to have you wrapped around me like a blanket. I was going to come back. I know better than that now. How did I become the one chasing your touch?

Kiss me again. Memories are my lover. I'll remember it all. I'll make love to the sweet image of our old love. Hot, hate and passion. I have no one to tell about you.

Fuck you. I love you.

Does He Know Who He's Dating

Does she know what you did to me? Did you ever tell her how long I loved you? Did you tell her what you did? What kind of person would do that? I loved you, harder than anyone. I did everything for you, put myself on the line and just watched as you loved her. Now what does it even matter? The hell I went through for you? For eight years, I did anything I could for you. You were always taken but I was okay with that. I didn't want to steal you away, just wanted to be in your life. We went on for years in the same way. I loved you, you loved her. You two broke up again and again and you would come to me. But you'd always go back to her. Did you tell her that night at the party? I didn't come for you, I came to talk to someone else. I came to fix something that was broken but you were there. Maybe you couldn't stand that I was in love with someone else. You spent the whole night on my arm, convincing me to do things I would never want to do. You were flirty and all over me and I was happy. Maybe you noticed that I was looking over to him, trying to get a moment to talk with him. You kissed me. Not the cute, 1 second kiss you had given me before. You kissed me long and hard. I didn't know how to feel about it. In later days, We would go on dates and you called me your girlfriend. We went to the museum, your favorite place. I took you out to eat and drove you home. You told your parents that we were dating and I was happy. And then you never called me back. You never texted or talked to me. I hadn't done anything wrong and yet I was tossed out. You wouldn't respond to anything. Months later I hear you're dating some guy. A guy you used to call ugly and gross behind his back. Did you ever call me those things? Whatever happened to your forever girlfriend? Did you do the same thing to her? This isn't the girl I fell in love with, she was never so heartless. Some princess you are.

A New Forever

I'm supposed to be asleep right now. It's late and I have work in the morning. I'm lying awake in my bed staring at what I can only think of as a blessing. A second chance. He's a lot like you until you get to know him. I'm looking at him right now while he sleeps and he's so handsome in the moonlight. We went to the mall together. It was to run an errand but he made it feel like a date. He makes me smile even when I don't want to. He's so nice to me. He's goofy and smart at the same time. God, I wish you could meet him. I wonder if you'd be happy for me? He's mine and I learned from you, I won't leave him. I won't give him up like I did to you. I'm sorry by the way. I hope he'll be my forever. We've made it this long.

Am I Okay?

I can't feel anything. Lost and alone and I didn't think about it. It's been almost a year and for the first time, I feel like I've shared in a moment of your life. For just a moment, it wasn't painful and I smiled a bit. I don't want to mess this up. I don't want you to run away. I'm scared, I'm really scared and everything is up in the air. For once, it didn't suck to be here on this earth. For a moment, my heart raced and it was nice to have my friend back. Please don't let this be the last time.

All I Want for Christmas

You wrote the only note in my locker. You gave me the only love I could've known. There are moments, I've been blocking you out for so long. Why is it so hard for you to answer me? It's been seven months and I'm still crying over you. I'm still trying but you gave up a long time ago. You aren't the same but I'm still in love with you. You left a note in my locker going on seven years ago. I don't remember the words anymore but I remember the feeling. I remember feeling special for a moment. As time went on, I felt like it was a cruel trick someone had played. A year passed and I threw it away because I thought it was someone mocking me. Three years after that note was left, you told me you wrote it. Three years later, you would stop talking to me.

Merry Christmas

I can't even think about being around you. Last year, I was begging for the fudge you made me once. What happened to us? Where did we go? Why aren't we talking about what's happening this Christmas. I have the day off work and you know I don't celebrate. Why am I not coming over on Christmas to hear everything and laugh with your family. I'm thankful I can still remember your laughter before all this. Your brothers all getting wound up on chocolate. I had a spot in your family. I had a spot with you. Where are you? It's all I want for the holidays, to hear something from you. Who does this to a person? Who just walks off? Where's my best friend? Where's my love? We spent every day after school together for years. I'm scared to go back to college because you might be there. When you're drunk, I can at least see you without you leaving. Sober, you run away from me. When will you come back? Will you come back? Your room was blue with a sliver stripe. Is that poster still in your closet? At least spend a day with me. A day where we can be us again. Laugh and play games and talk. You could stab me afterward for all I care, I just want a hint that you're not lost. I want just a hint that there's still something I recognize in you, something I still love.

A Morning Snow

It's early morning and it's been raining for days. Streets are cold and the wind cuts your face. I was out walking because that was the only thing that made sense to me. Just kept walking until it started not to hurt. Wandering for hours and I found myself at a door I had walked through many times before. A door that had always opened to greet me in the warmest of ways. Now it was early in the morning and I know no one behind that door is awake but there is one person I want to see. I walk across the darkness and open the bedroom door. He's asleep and for some reason, all I care about at that moment is touching his skin. For some reason all I can think about is his voice saying my name. Without even thinking, I'm crawling into his bed while he sleeps. My hair is still wet, my skin is still icy and yet, I just want to touch him. He doesn't wake right away but his arms pull around me as he sleeps. My problems are gone, my worries are melted and it's just me looking at him. It's just us as a fall asleep in his embrace.

What I Needed

I needed a reason to leave this life I've settled for. I finally found it. There's no point missing someone who doesn't love you back or trying to go back to someone who hasn't even opened their arms for you. There's no point being sad about things that you can't change. Unfortunately, you have to feel that pain in full. You can't ignore it and you can't run away from it. The pain follows you and it demands to be paid in full. But oh god, once you feel it all and you can move on, that sun has never felt so good. The wind smells better, the rain feels clean and every one of your senses is back at full. Your favorite food tastes better than you remember it. Your clothes feel softer. In full, this is what living is for. When you can look out on a dark a gloomy night and feel at peace, that's when it's over. You don't have to hurt anymore and life without that pain, no matter for how short of a time, is worth every second. Nothing will beat just knowing your alive and enjoying it. And while being alive may suck 95% of the time, that other 5% is worth everything. It's worth everything to feel alive again.

Shhhh..... It's Still Too Loud

It's not worth it. I'm gonna talk myself down now because it's not worth ruining everything early. It's not worth the pain, the tears or the plans. It's not worth my plans. Yet it's worth a little bit of my heart. It's worth some time and some of my smile. It's worth a little warmth and some kind words. I'm moving on now and finding something new to live for. I'm drawing again and can walk a few blocks without thinking about it. I'm not thinking about his smile every moment anymore. I haven't thought about him in a day and a half. I'm not dressing up for him. In the far back of my mind, I'm pushing thoughts of him away. I don't want to see his car or his favorite color. I don't want to know how he takes his coffee or the numbers to his phone number. I'm trying to forget how his hands felt in my hair and the way he speaks. It's like ripping off a band-aid on a new burn. Every breath of air makes me want to scream and I'm panicking that I don't have him to hold onto in public. I'm trying to stop myself from wanting him anymore because he's already over me.

'I Just Don't Want To Talk'

I've been sleeping alone. My feelings don't seem to matter. No one really cares about what I have to say. But there was you. At one time, there was you. At one time, back in a memory, you would take away the pain. At a midnight under the stars, I fell in love with the way you breathe. In a crowd of a thousand, I fell in love with your laugh. In a drowsy morning, I fell in love with your steps. That small spiral on your face, the way your glasses tilted, how your shirt hung from you, I fell in love. I took in the air from your lungs like watercolors dripping down a painting. You stained me in deep shades of blue and painted my world in white bright. The snow fell around us in every season. Forever a blizzard in our world. Dark nights were our dates, an old truck was our restaurant, and we were happy in a fairy-tale for two.

You closed the storybook.

Smiles Can Kill

You were waiting for me to give you an answer. You were waiting for a reason for the pain, for the longing. You were waiting for a reason to stay and you didn't get one. So you closed off yourself. You shut me out and you went cold. I cried, over and over for many reasons. I needed you because you were the only one who listened. I needed you because you were the only one who cared. You were always the only one who could fix everything. You made it all hurt less. You knew what I needed every time. And yet I was left alone. I was alone for the first time in seven years. I was alone in the world and I had to find a way to deal with the pain. It felt like a thousand knives, being set on fire, like reliving your death all over. Worse yet, the only person who could fix it, was you. You weren't there. The pain did nothing but grow and hurt every day I was outside. My dreams were echos of you and my thoughts were consumed by you. Then I found myself staring at you from across the room. You were fine and that hurt the most. You laughed and smiled and I couldn't even do that. You were okay and I wasn't. I wanted to yell and scream at you, wanted to fight but all I could do was raise my voice a little bit before my tears took over. All that pain came crashing back down on me. I trembled, I cried, I was hurting and you held me for a moment before you were gone again. I cried for an hour afterward. I cried the next day. I cried at work and at home. Smiling felt impossible until I heard I could see you again. I thought I had a chance to take back the tears, for us to be friends again, even if it was just friends. Yet just as I'm starting to get excited, rehearsing what to say and jokes to make, you say you wouldn't go if I was there. You tell them that you don't even know why I was invited. You know how hard it is to get excited about a party when being in crowd scares you? I was gonna do better this time and you shut me down before I had a chance. I was waiting for so long. I was waiting for a reason for the pain. I was waiting for a reason to stay and you still shut me out. Now I'll do even better. I'll learn how to get through the pain. I'll learn how to deal without you. I'll show you that I can be okay without you. That's my last expression of my love. I'll move on because you did. I'll make something for you to be proud of. Because I love you, I'll stop trying to love you. 

You Can't Break This

You've made your choice. You didn't even say it to me but I heard it all. I get it so it's whatever. I'll let you go and move on with my life. All this time, I thought that you would change your mind or that you could see that I've changed. I guess I was looking for you to act a little older than you wanna be. I don't need someone who wants to act like a 12-year-old with someone else's heart. I'm not gonna lie, it hurts but I'll find some other way to feel better. I don't want to waste any more time on this fantasy that you could be the person you used to be for me. I'm not going to let you have the satisfaction of ruining me. I can be happy without you and I'm going to be. I hope one day you look back and see that you missed the perfect chance. But I'm not going to wait for you to grow a pair. I'm gonna look great. I'm gonna wear dresses and cute panties. I'm gonna style the hair you wanted me to grow out. Every single thing you gave to me from your shirts to my confidence, I'm gonna make it all mine so there won't be a thing I can thank you for. You'll be just another picture in a box. Watch me turn into a queen before your eyes. Fucking watch me.

I Hate Wal-Mart

I was walking down the aisles and thinking about months ago. We would talk, I would talk at you. So many memories in a supermarket. So many times I would pull you around and you'd pull me back. So many moments where we would be just a breath apart; I'd look at your lips and contemplate. I always thought I had a little longer to think, to imagine a life with you. I'd always turn away right before we could kiss cause your kisses tasted like pain. I wanted to be yours but.... I was someone else's, I was scared, I didn't know how to take you back. I always figured it would be hard to fall in love with you. I didn't notice I always had been. I was so wrong for years and now I've gone and ruined it. I could've had my happily ever after but I can't see too far ahead. Now I'm in a supermarket thinking about the time we organized books, or played with toys, or talked about housing decor. Jesus, we always did so much in that store. Those could've been dates if I wasn't an idiot. Turns out time is merciless.

Out of Words and Still Typing

What hasn't already been said? Is there anything left you want me to say? I've put everything here for you to see but you're not even reading. Like writing on the wall, you won't read it till you want to. Now I've given you and chance for you to let me know everything. A simple 'yes' or 'no' and I'll plan based on that. You have a week to tell me, one week to decide weather this will be permanent or not. Either way, I'll be here for as long as it takes. I'll keep shouting into the void. Typing until I can't type anymore. I don't understand what more I can do to show you that I need you. I can't think of any combination of words that I haven't used before. You must get it by now. I'd give up my world for you. I'd make a restart with you if you asked. I don't care what's in my life now, I'd leave it all for you and I have no way to show you because you won't ask. I've told you I love you in a thousand words and in none. I've let you break me, shatter me, ruin me and yet you're still gone. I've given you the control here and yet I'm still left alone. I've told you everything a thousand times and you're still not listening. Yet I'm still here, telling you everything over again and I'll keep doing it. Maybe one day you'll stop doing this to me. Maybe I'm a sucker for the pain. I don't even know anymore.

And it all comes back to the memory of my tears soaking your cotton shirt as you held me.

When You Feel It All

I'm left empty. I've cried the hardest I could. I'm trying to find the strength to move on after last night. Maybe the strength to just find some joy in the world. Find something that doesn't make me want to run to you. I drew a picture today, but I just wanted you to see it. I played a new game today but I just wanted you to play it with me. I watched my favorite Disney movie but I just wanted to laugh with you. I want to sleep but I'm scared you'll be in my dreams again and if my dreams sound anything like you, I won't be able to hold it together. Honestly I can hardly hold on right now. I want it to be like the movies where I could walk over in the rain and you'd take everything back. I don't even want to walk around because I know I'll wander straight to you. I feel like everything worth living for is living in you.

But I won't let myself break down. I've got to be strong until you come back. I know now that no matter what I do or say, nothing will happen until you let it. I just hope you felt something while I was crying into your chest. I hope you've seen that I am nothing without you.

'Late for a Very Important Date'

The fabric against my face was the first relief I had felt in so long. I know who you got that shirt from, I know what you like about it. It was soft, comfortable, it felt like home. Your arm around me was the first reassurance that it was okay to cry. The smell of you filled me up like I hadn't breathed in years. I was trembling, crying, scared, vulnerable for the first time in so long. I was weak and even though you didn't know what to do, even though you didn't want to be there or to see me, even though it wasn't your problem, even though I was the one to put you there, you held open your arm. You knew that I couldn't handle it, you knew what I was like when I was weak and you knew I needed you. Even though you aren't reading this, you knew that I needed you.

 I didn't get to say what I wanted to, I didn't get to yell and scream at you. I didn't have a chance to be mad because once you walked in through that door and I saw your face for the first time in four months, I was out of anger. Once I saw you, all that pent-up rage, anger, pain, and sadness, it all just melted away. You were okay and that made me okay. You got a haircut. It looked nice. I heard your laugh and it was so nice. For a moment, even when I was trying so hard to be mad, I was okay because you were there. It was like nothing bad had ever happened. When I went to talk to you, I tried to be mad, I really did but your eyes looking at me.... I can't be mad. I spent this whole time being so mad but you made me feel the pain I had been blocking out. You made me feel what I didn't want to. Talking got harder as my words felt like sandpaper trying to escape. I started crying. Not the small tears or the tears that no one can hear. No, I cried with the pain and sadness of a thousand heartbreaks and so many wounds left unhealed. I didn't mean to, I wanted to be strong so you would see I didn't need you. But you know as much as I do that I need you. I need you in my life. Just you, and I'll do anything to have that. If you want me to make a new start, I'll leave my house right now with a box of clothes and make a new start with you. I'll do anything you ask if you'd just come back.

And for a small moment, when I was at my worst and so broken, you held me to your chest so I could cry. For that moment, there was no one else, just you. It was everything I knew it would be and as I cried, I felt at peace because even though everything was falling apart, I could trust that you could hold me together.

Listen to the Void

I pray that you can see these. I hope that this will be my one tie to you. When everything else is lost, I pray I can shout these words into the void and have them reach your doorstep. They keep telling me to let go, to move on because you won't come around. You won't be there after my nightmare. Though, if I don't wait, if I turn my back I won't see you if you turn around. If I don't show you I care, how will you know I'm still here? I don't want to give up until I know for sure you won't turn around. I haven't even seen your face in months, haven't heard your voice in months. I still have my memories of your laugh, you're smile, your.... kiss. I remember it all and that's what I hold onto to give you your space. I've been weak the last few days. Texting and calling, even going to your house but to no avail. I know I need to stay strong and stay away so you can miss me. I don't want you to think I'm desperate. I have my own life, I can go a few minutes without thinking about you. But just because I put a band-aid over the wound, doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt. When I'm at work, when I'm alone, you're still there.

Help Me

I was there. I was there waiting and you weren't. I came to you, and you weren't there. I stood in front of your house but you weren't even home. Still no answer on your phone but I know you got the message. I've told myself too many times that I know I should just give up. I should just let you go but you want to know something? When someone is 90% of your happy thoughts, when you don't know yourself without someone, when someone is your reason for success, you can't imagine a world without them. You try to find a way without them, you try to find a way to be alone, to love yourself. I've read everything I should do to make me better but I don't want to be like that. I'd rather us argue, us fight, every day than lose you completely. I want something, give me something, anything so I can let go. Give me a note, give me a text, anything that I can hold onto so I can let go. I need you. In my life in some way. When will you come back?

I Wanna Tell You a Story...

About a great night. I arrived a little late, my boyfriend could only find the place so fast. This was gonna be the night of my first party. I got there with a friend but his girlfriend didn't want him to stay. I told my boyfriend I would stay at this party. Gathered around a campfire, we all laughed about the past four years. You were there and as the night got later, I got closer to you. It was such a nice night and it was such a warm fire. You had a sleeping bag for the two of us. They all started drinking and I laughed as they lost it. You stayed by my side, talking to me cause you knew I had issues. You held me close and for that night, I wasn't anybody's property. I wasn't anyone's problem. I was just having fun, and that was a truly great night.

Now here's the kicker, none of that happened. When my boyfriend asked, I left with him and my friend and I never got to stay. I never tasted that beautiful night. I went home that night, alone, and slept in my bed, alone.

I think about that night all the time. Was that the day I decided I would always be someone else's property? Or was that the night you decided I would never be worth it? Human, I can't read your mind. It's going on four months since we last talked and I can't help but obsess over what I could've done. I've gone over every text, every message, every memory. Was this the one where you decided I wasn't going to be yours again? Will I never be yours again? I know I fucked up, I know what I did but I can't take it back. Is it just one of those things where I have to let you go, even when it pains me so much to know that you're gone every day? If your plan is just to cut everything and leave, can you kill me first so I don't have to endure this pain. I've lost my best friend, the only person who would listen and a person I loved so fully that it's hard to imagine a future without you in it. I cherished every second I had with you and I loved every second we were together. Why am I lost to you when I'm right here, pounding at your door for you to let me in again? Please give me something....

One Last Goodbye

I guess I've been holding on too hard. I guess I just lost. I haven't lost in a long time so I'm not sure how to handle it. I guess I've been missing an idea of you that no longer exists. Though I still think it's dumb what happened, and the words you said, honestly you could've tried to make me feel a little better about it. That was kinda mean, making me leave your house, crying all the way across town. Really, you need some sensitivity training. Your flaws are as human as you are. I had this idea of you for so long that I don't know how to see you now. I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't forgive you the second you asked. I'm weak like that. I've been trying to make a life around you and I guess it's not working. I moved back into town, tried to get an apartment near you and I've been trying to plan my life around your schedule. I give up.

I've been going over all the memories, picking out my favorites and talking about you all the time. I've told everyone our story, beginning to end. My mistakes, yours too, all our moments and our fights. I think my favorite is still the camping trip though I promise I'll keep my mouth shut about somethings, I promised you. Though it was still one of my favorite few days. The campfire and just everyone. Your old truck and I swear she gets prettier with age. I had a rock in my back every night so it was either get closer or go to the other side of the tent. And I was so scared when I thought I heard a bear and got even more scared when you said it was a moose. We stayed an extra night out there because we were all too lazy to pack up.

Then it goes to science class when were separated because of interplanetary jokes. Years later, we'd walk ten miles just to get back that joke. Though it was unsafe, I loved walking that late at night with you, just talking for hours. The first time we did it, we got halfway there and thought we had parked in a tow-away zone and turned back as fast as we could. The stars were so pretty, the tide was going and I told you that I wanted to see high tide one day.

And I know they were part of the reason we don't talk anymore, but I remember what it felt like to kiss you every time, from the first to the last. I think that's what I may miss most but my life is too unstable to trap you with me. I would love to drop everything for you but dropping everything means a lot more now than it did when this began. When this started, I had nothing to lose and I could throw it all, but now I have a crappy life with a crappy job and a broken-down house with loud and annoying roommates. I'd love to drop it all but other people depend on me. I'd lose my room at a house that I help pay for. I'd lose my internet to write you these dumb posts and all for you to probably be in the same place you are now.

I'll be here if you need me.