How Many Times Can I call?

Now I know it's my addiction to you. Now I know it's the chemicals in my brain telling me I need you. How do I ignore all the voices telling me to run back? I sometimes wonder if it'll be easier when you move away.

Enough with the cryptic bullshit,

I know you're not reading this. I know you stopped caring. Why I keep writing in this damned place is beyond me.  I want this pain to stop. Being with you is painful and being without is worse. I've made a life of myself and I've told you before, I'm not going down again.

How I crave the soft touch of your fingers across my chest and the pale light through the curtains. I miss the smell of your unwashed hair and how it felt to have you wrapped around me like a blanket. I was going to come back. I know better than that now. How did I become the one chasing your touch?

Kiss me again. Memories are my lover. I'll remember it all. I'll make love to the sweet image of our old love. Hot, hate and passion. I have no one to tell about you.

Fuck you. I love you.

Toxic Love

   I still let you control my body. I haven't got a tattoo because you said you'd hate it if I did. I grew out my hair for you and never wore makeup. You told me who to be and I'd rather be that person than find out who I am. We've both done some bad things. Me more than you and I wish I could take back the pain. Now I'm watching you slip away and I want to run and take you back. Reclaim you and make sure you never leave me. I want to, but I know this is best. You must go away. It's the only way you can heal and after it all, I need you to heal.
   There are still so many nights where I dream of doing things right. Kissing you when I didn't, choosing you when I didn't. The most painful, staying when I didn't. Maybe it's the pain of anyone who falls in love. Some days it kills me that I cannot kiss you. I want to find myself within you. I would've been anything you asked, if only I had known how to keep you. That night while camping or the bonfire. You could've been my answer but I ruined it. I ruin most things.
   Now you'll leave. You've found someone who makes you happy again. I don't want you to go, I can't be alone again. Without you, how will I know who I am? Without you, what's the point of anything? I want you to be happy. I want to make you happy. I know I shouldn't be with you.
   I've got a life now and that's the important part. I have to hold onto it. That's why I won't stop you. I won't make the same mistakes.
   What I wouldn't give to have one last night. No one watching us, no guilt, just us. If I could kiss you without worry just one last time. In my dreams, I have you. In my dreams, we can be together and that will have to be what I settle for. My life is healthy now but for some reason, I yearn for the pain of your love. I'll dream of you.
   It's painful, the way I love you. Is love supposed to hurt?

Does He Know Who He's Dating

Does she know what you did to me? Did you ever tell her how long I loved you? Did you tell her what you did? What kind of person would do that? I loved you, harder than anyone. I did everything for you, put myself on the line and just watched as you loved her. Now what does it even matter? The hell I went through for you? For eight years, I did anything I could for you. You were always taken but I was okay with that. I didn't want to steal you away, just wanted to be in your life. We went on for years in the same way. I loved you, you loved her. You two broke up again and again and you would come to me. But you'd always go back to her. Did you tell her that night at the party? I didn't come for you, I came to talk to someone else. I came to fix something that was broken but you were there. Maybe you couldn't stand that I was in love with someone else. You spent the whole night on my arm, convincing me to do things I would never want to do. You were flirty and all over me and I was happy. Maybe you noticed that I was looking over to him, trying to get a moment to talk with him. You kissed me. Not the cute, 1 second kiss you had given me before. You kissed me long and hard. I didn't know how to feel about it. In later days, We would go on dates and you called me your girlfriend. We went to the museum, your favorite place. I took you out to eat and drove you home. You told your parents that we were dating and I was happy. And then you never called me back. You never texted or talked to me. I hadn't done anything wrong and yet I was tossed out. You wouldn't respond to anything. Months later I hear you're dating some guy. A guy you used to call ugly and gross behind his back. Did you ever call me those things? Whatever happened to your forever girlfriend? Did you do the same thing to her? This isn't the girl I fell in love with, she was never so heartless. Some princess you are.

The Moment I Knew

It started as a fight. Not like a screaming match or a boxing ring, but a fight between us. It came to that silent part, the part where everything hangs in the empty space between. He whispered, just loud enough for me to hear, "I'm gonna fix it. I'm not letting this go south. I want us to be together." That's when I knew, I'm gonna marry this boy.
He's a dork. Doesn't give me all the attention I want. He is sometimes very loud when he's excited.
But now I know, all this heartache over a boy who was Mr right at the wrong time. All this pain over a girl who never loved me back. All the tears over a relationship that I kept piecing  back together. This is the one.
I'm gonna fight for him, with him and beside him. He's the one.

A New Forever

I'm supposed to be asleep right now. It's late and I have work in the morning. I'm lying awake in my bed staring at what I can only think of as a blessing. A second chance. He's a lot like you until you get to know him. I'm looking at him right now while he sleeps and he's so handsome in the moonlight. We went to the mall together. It was to run an errand but he made it feel like a date. He makes me smile even when I don't want to. He's so nice to me. He's goofy and smart at the same time. God, I wish you could meet him. I wonder if you'd be happy for me? He's mine and I learned from you, I won't leave him. I won't give him up like I did to you. I'm sorry by the way. I hope he'll be my forever. We've made it this long.

Like the Stars Burn

I remember the pain in his eyes as he told me not to erase my picture. I remember the pain in his voice when he he asked me not to go. I put him through so much all because I never knew how much I needed him, how much I really loved him. I've tried to move on but a tear still falls when I think of what could've been between us. His love was pure. His love was real and for a short while, it was also mine. He met me at the wrong time, when I didn't know who I was, when I didn't know how to love. I miss him. Oh god,like the heavens burn, I miss him. We can talk now, small talk after everything but I miss our talks of the stars, how we would rule. If only we could've lasted. These last few threads make me happy, remind me how lucky I am to even have that, but I still wish for more. How selfish can a person be to destroy their love and then still want to broken pieces to put back together?

Am I Okay?

I can't feel anything. Lost and alone and I didn't think about it. It's been almost a year and for the first time, I feel like I've shared in a moment of your life. For just a moment, it wasn't painful and I smiled a bit. I don't want to mess this up. I don't want you to run away. I'm scared, I'm really scared and everything is up in the air. For once, it didn't suck to be here on this earth. For a moment, my heart raced and it was nice to have my friend back. Please don't let this be the last time.

It's a Merry Christmas Indeed

It's finally offical, I've got a new place to call my own and friends to keep me distracted. I'll be getting a new phone number soon and a phone that doesn't have a picture of you on it. I never thought it'd come to this. Never thought we would be here. I had always imagined that we would at least talk until we were eighty. I'm still waiting for you to talk or text me. Once I get my new number, I know I'll give it to you just to keep the hope alive that you'll call me up one day. I'm still waiting for you to change your mind and I'll keep that door open for you for the next century. However long it takes for me to get you back.

All I Want for Christmas

You wrote the only note in my locker. You gave me the only love I could've known. There are moments, I've been blocking you out for so long. Why is it so hard for you to answer me? It's been seven months and I'm still crying over you. I'm still trying but you gave up a long time ago. You aren't the same but I'm still in love with you. You left a note in my locker going on seven years ago. I don't remember the words anymore but I remember the feeling. I remember feeling special for a moment. As time went on, I felt like it was a cruel trick someone had played. A year passed and I threw it away because I thought it was someone mocking me. Three years after that note was left, you told me you wrote it. Three years later, you would stop talking to me.

Merry Christmas

I can't even think about being around you. Last year, I was begging for the fudge you made me once. What happened to us? Where did we go? Why aren't we talking about what's happening this Christmas. I have the day off work and you know I don't celebrate. Why am I not coming over on Christmas to hear everything and laugh with your family. I'm thankful I can still remember your laughter before all this. Your brothers all getting wound up on chocolate. I had a spot in your family. I had a spot with you. Where are you? It's all I want for the holidays, to hear something from you. Who does this to a person? Who just walks off? Where's my best friend? Where's my love? We spent every day after school together for years. I'm scared to go back to college because you might be there. When you're drunk, I can at least see you without you leaving. Sober, you run away from me. When will you come back? Will you come back? Your room was blue with a sliver stripe. Is that poster still in your closet? At least spend a day with me. A day where we can be us again. Laugh and play games and talk. You could stab me afterward for all I care, I just want a hint that you're not lost. I want just a hint that there's still something I recognize in you, something I still love.

It's Not Fucking Okay

I couldn't keep him happy. There had to be a reason behind it. I just want to die. The only person who ever loved me has turned his back. Who told him it was okay to leave me? I can't keep going on. Who does he think he is? He's not worth it. I'll scream into the sky. He doesn't deserve me but I need him. I want him. I want to see him, hear his voice. I want to walk away forever, never look back. When did I fucking ask for this? I'm broken, I'm hurt. I don't want to be here. I want to be there. Fucking call me! At least tell me to fuck off! All I want is to hear that voice. I want to held again. The beard, the arms, the spiral, the hands, the eyes. I want it all back. After everything I've been through, all I've done for him and yet, he can't hear me crying. He won't hear me. Dammit! Fuck off! Stop killing and give me something to fix. Give me something to hang onto. Fucking anything. I don't deserve this. I need him. Need to talk to him, need a hug. Jesus I am not okay without him.

Again and Again

I've been happy recently. That's a good way to start things off. I've been enjoying my life and how it's been going. Things aren't perfect but they never were. I've just been happy.

Though, I'm not going to lie. I was thinking about you a few nights ago and it hit me hard. I cried again. I wonder how many tears I'm going to shed for you. Thinking about you just sucks away all of my strength, all my will to go on. Every time I think of you, it's like being shot by a sniper. All the pain from before comes back in a short bullet through my chest. You're not even reading these, you're not even worth it. Why do I even care anymore? You don't care about me and I'm starting to wonder if you ever did.

Do you remember when we were everything together? God Dammit! I know I messed it up but for one moment, can we not think about that? For one moment, can we think about how it used to be? The snow, the winter, you were perfect. I saw you drunk on that couch and that wasn't you. Where did you go? Did you leave me forever? You tried to hurt her, you said such horrible things. Have I been in love with the wrong you? Please tell me this is new because I don't know if I could stand to know you've always been like this. Since when did holding me make you cringe? Since when did I become your rival? I can't love you anymore. I've come to terms that you're not the same person I fell in love with.

All I want is to see a glimpse of the love I lost, the man I kissed, the boy I loved so deeply it cut into my soul. For one night, I want to hear you say my name again. Like you used to.

A Morning Snow

It's early morning and it's been raining for days. Streets are cold and the wind cuts your face. I was out walking because that was the only thing that made sense to me. Just kept walking until it started not to hurt. Wandering for hours and I found myself at a door I had walked through many times before. A door that had always opened to greet me in the warmest of ways. Now it was early in the morning and I know no one behind that door is awake but there is one person I want to see. I walk across the darkness and open the bedroom door. He's asleep and for some reason, all I care about at that moment is touching his skin. For some reason all I can think about is his voice saying my name. Without even thinking, I'm crawling into his bed while he sleeps. My hair is still wet, my skin is still icy and yet, I just want to touch him. He doesn't wake right away but his arms pull around me as he sleeps. My problems are gone, my worries are melted and it's just me looking at him. It's just us as a fall asleep in his embrace.

I Don't Want To Wake

My hands in jet black hair, soft lips kissing me, callin me beautiful. There's the playful banter and there's the way I see those blue eyes lookin at me. It's the way he says my name or the way he always answers me. Makes me feel like I can't fail, that things will be okay. I'm changing now because I know I can or at least, he knows I can. That's all I need. That's all I've ever needed is someone to believe in me when I don't have the strength to go forward. Someone to pull me back up after I've fallen apart. Finally, someone to open my eyes for me. Someone to help me fix it all and all he asks in return, is a smile when it's better. All he wants is company. Nothing demanded from me, nothing expected from me, just wanting to be there when I'm better.

What a beautiful dream to have.

Back Me Up

Taste the sweet love as it pours into your soul. We are not defined by the love we live for. I'm sitting in a corner crying. It hurts to know I'm not for him. It hurts to know I wasn't worth the time anymore. I was sitting in corner crying and he walked up. I've been sad for so long about him. He picked me up. What was the point of all this pain? He held me close, breathing new air into me. He made me see where I've been. How things have been changing while I was gone. He held my hand and walked through all the things that changed while I was sad. He showed me a map of where I needed to go from there; how to change the hell I had fallen in. Now I'm working to get out of this pain. Now I'm building something and when I start to fall, when the pain starts to come back, he stands behind me, whispering "This isn't the end," Now I'm going to live.

What I Needed

I needed a reason to leave this life I've settled for. I finally found it. There's no point missing someone who doesn't love you back or trying to go back to someone who hasn't even opened their arms for you. There's no point being sad about things that you can't change. Unfortunately, you have to feel that pain in full. You can't ignore it and you can't run away from it. The pain follows you and it demands to be paid in full. But oh god, once you feel it all and you can move on, that sun has never felt so good. The wind smells better, the rain feels clean and every one of your senses is back at full. Your favorite food tastes better than you remember it. Your clothes feel softer. In full, this is what living is for. When you can look out on a dark a gloomy night and feel at peace, that's when it's over. You don't have to hurt anymore and life without that pain, no matter for how short of a time, is worth every second. Nothing will beat just knowing your alive and enjoying it. And while being alive may suck 95% of the time, that other 5% is worth everything. It's worth everything to feel alive again.

Shhhh..... It's Still Too Loud

It's not worth it. I'm gonna talk myself down now because it's not worth ruining everything early. It's not worth the pain, the tears or the plans. It's not worth my plans. Yet it's worth a little bit of my heart. It's worth some time and some of my smile. It's worth a little warmth and some kind words. I'm moving on now and finding something new to live for. I'm drawing again and can walk a few blocks without thinking about it. I'm not thinking about his smile every moment anymore. I haven't thought about him in a day and a half. I'm not dressing up for him. In the far back of my mind, I'm pushing thoughts of him away. I don't want to see his car or his favorite color. I don't want to know how he takes his coffee or the numbers to his phone number. I'm trying to forget how his hands felt in my hair and the way he speaks. It's like ripping off a band-aid on a new burn. Every breath of air makes me want to scream and I'm panicking that I don't have him to hold onto in public. I'm trying to stop myself from wanting him anymore because he's already over me.

-Unrelated Note-

I want to tell him to run, tell him that I'm not worth anything. I want him to run away from me yet I keep pulling back. I keep going back. I want to laugh like this forever and I want to see that smile every day. Maybe I don't need my human to tell me to move on. Maybe I don't need someone else to take control of my life. I can do this. I can take my life into my own hands. With the promise that one day, I'll be someone better.

'I Just Don't Want To Talk'

I've been sleeping alone. My feelings don't seem to matter. No one really cares about what I have to say. But there was you. At one time, there was you. At one time, back in a memory, you would take away the pain. At a midnight under the stars, I fell in love with the way you breathe. In a crowd of a thousand, I fell in love with your laugh. In a drowsy morning, I fell in love with your steps. That small spiral on your face, the way your glasses tilted, how your shirt hung from you, I fell in love. I took in the air from your lungs like watercolors dripping down a painting. You stained me in deep shades of blue and painted my world in white bright. The snow fell around us in every season. Forever a blizzard in our world. Dark nights were our dates, an old truck was our restaurant, and we were happy in a fairy-tale for two.

You closed the storybook.

Smiles Can Kill

You were waiting for me to give you an answer. You were waiting for a reason for the pain, for the longing. You were waiting for a reason to stay and you didn't get one. So you closed off yourself. You shut me out and you went cold. I cried, over and over for many reasons. I needed you because you were the only one who listened. I needed you because you were the only one who cared. You were always the only one who could fix everything. You made it all hurt less. You knew what I needed every time. And yet I was left alone. I was alone for the first time in seven years. I was alone in the world and I had to find a way to deal with the pain. It felt like a thousand knives, being set on fire, like reliving your death all over. Worse yet, the only person who could fix it, was you. You weren't there. The pain did nothing but grow and hurt every day I was outside. My dreams were echos of you and my thoughts were consumed by you. Then I found myself staring at you from across the room. You were fine and that hurt the most. You laughed and smiled and I couldn't even do that. You were okay and I wasn't. I wanted to yell and scream at you, wanted to fight but all I could do was raise my voice a little bit before my tears took over. All that pain came crashing back down on me. I trembled, I cried, I was hurting and you held me for a moment before you were gone again. I cried for an hour afterward. I cried the next day. I cried at work and at home. Smiling felt impossible until I heard I could see you again. I thought I had a chance to take back the tears, for us to be friends again, even if it was just friends. Yet just as I'm starting to get excited, rehearsing what to say and jokes to make, you say you wouldn't go if I was there. You tell them that you don't even know why I was invited. You know how hard it is to get excited about a party when being in crowd scares you? I was gonna do better this time and you shut me down before I had a chance. I was waiting for so long. I was waiting for a reason for the pain. I was waiting for a reason to stay and you still shut me out. Now I'll do even better. I'll learn how to get through the pain. I'll learn how to deal without you. I'll show you that I can be okay without you. That's my last expression of my love. I'll move on because you did. I'll make something for you to be proud of. Because I love you, I'll stop trying to love you.