Does He Know Who He's Dating

Does she know what you did to me? Did you ever tell her how long I loved you? Did you tell her what you did? What kind of person would do that? I loved you, harder than anyone. I did everything for you, put myself on the line and just watched as you loved her. Now what does it even matter? The hell I went through for you? For eight years, I did anything I could for you. You were always taken but I was okay with that. I didn't want to steal you away, just wanted to be in your life. We went on for years in the same way. I loved you, you loved her. You two broke up again and again and you would come to me. But you'd always go back to her. Did you tell her that night at the party? I didn't come for you, I came to talk to someone else. I came to fix something that was broken but you were there. Maybe you couldn't stand that I was in love with someone else. You spent the whole night on my arm, convincing me to do things I would never want to do. You were flirty and all over me and I was happy. Maybe you noticed that I was looking over to him, trying to get a moment to talk with him. You kissed me. Not the cute, 1 second kiss you had given me before. You kissed me long and hard. I didn't know how to feel about it. In later days, We would go on dates and you called me your girlfriend. We went to the museum, your favorite place. I took you out to eat and drove you home. You told your parents that we were dating and I was happy. And then you never called me back. You never texted or talked to me. I hadn't done anything wrong and yet I was tossed out. You wouldn't respond to anything. Months later I hear you're dating some guy. A guy you used to call ugly and gross behind his back. Did you ever call me those things? Whatever happened to your forever girlfriend? Did you do the same thing to her? This isn't the girl I fell in love with, she was never so heartless. Some princess you are.

Am I Okay?

I can't feel anything. Lost and alone and I didn't think about it. It's been almost a year and for the first time, I feel like I've shared in a moment of your life. For just a moment, it wasn't painful and I smiled a bit. I don't want to mess this up. I don't want you to run away. I'm scared, I'm really scared and everything is up in the air. For once, it didn't suck to be here on this earth. For a moment, my heart raced and it was nice to have my friend back. Please don't let this be the last time.

Shhhh..... It's Still Too Loud

It's not worth it. I'm gonna talk myself down now because it's not worth ruining everything early. It's not worth the pain, the tears or the plans. It's not worth my plans. Yet it's worth a little bit of my heart. It's worth some time and some of my smile. It's worth a little warmth and some kind words. I'm moving on now and finding something new to live for. I'm drawing again and can walk a few blocks without thinking about it. I'm not thinking about his smile every moment anymore. I haven't thought about him in a day and a half. I'm not dressing up for him. In the far back of my mind, I'm pushing thoughts of him away. I don't want to see his car or his favorite color. I don't want to know how he takes his coffee or the numbers to his phone number. I'm trying to forget how his hands felt in my hair and the way he speaks. It's like ripping off a band-aid on a new burn. Every breath of air makes me want to scream and I'm panicking that I don't have him to hold onto in public. I'm trying to stop myself from wanting him anymore because he's already over me.

'I Just Don't Want To Talk'

I've been sleeping alone. My feelings don't seem to matter. No one really cares about what I have to say. But there was you. At one time, there was you. At one time, back in a memory, you would take away the pain. At a midnight under the stars, I fell in love with the way you breathe. In a crowd of a thousand, I fell in love with your laugh. In a drowsy morning, I fell in love with your steps. That small spiral on your face, the way your glasses tilted, how your shirt hung from you, I fell in love. I took in the air from your lungs like watercolors dripping down a painting. You stained me in deep shades of blue and painted my world in white bright. The snow fell around us in every season. Forever a blizzard in our world. Dark nights were our dates, an old truck was our restaurant, and we were happy in a fairy-tale for two.

You closed the storybook.

You Can't Break This

You've made your choice. You didn't even say it to me but I heard it all. I get it so it's whatever. I'll let you go and move on with my life. All this time, I thought that you would change your mind or that you could see that I've changed. I guess I was looking for you to act a little older than you wanna be. I don't need someone who wants to act like a 12-year-old with someone else's heart. I'm not gonna lie, it hurts but I'll find some other way to feel better. I don't want to waste any more time on this fantasy that you could be the person you used to be for me. I'm not going to let you have the satisfaction of ruining me. I can be happy without you and I'm going to be. I hope one day you look back and see that you missed the perfect chance. But I'm not going to wait for you to grow a pair. I'm gonna look great. I'm gonna wear dresses and cute panties. I'm gonna style the hair you wanted me to grow out. Every single thing you gave to me from your shirts to my confidence, I'm gonna make it all mine so there won't be a thing I can thank you for. You'll be just another picture in a box. Watch me turn into a queen before your eyes. Fucking watch me.

I Hate Wal-Mart

I was walking down the aisles and thinking about months ago. We would talk, I would talk at you. So many memories in a supermarket. So many times I would pull you around and you'd pull me back. So many moments where we would be just a breath apart; I'd look at your lips and contemplate. I always thought I had a little longer to think, to imagine a life with you. I'd always turn away right before we could kiss cause your kisses tasted like pain. I wanted to be yours but.... I was someone else's, I was scared, I didn't know how to take you back. I always figured it would be hard to fall in love with you. I didn't notice I always had been. I was so wrong for years and now I've gone and ruined it. I could've had my happily ever after but I can't see too far ahead. Now I'm in a supermarket thinking about the time we organized books, or played with toys, or talked about housing decor. Jesus, we always did so much in that store. Those could've been dates if I wasn't an idiot. Turns out time is merciless.

Help Me

I was there. I was there waiting and you weren't. I came to you, and you weren't there. I stood in front of your house but you weren't even home. Still no answer on your phone but I know you got the message. I've told myself too many times that I know I should just give up. I should just let you go but you want to know something? When someone is 90% of your happy thoughts, when you don't know yourself without someone, when someone is your reason for success, you can't imagine a world without them. You try to find a way without them, you try to find a way to be alone, to love yourself. I've read everything I should do to make me better but I don't want to be like that. I'd rather us argue, us fight, every day than lose you completely. I want something, give me something, anything so I can let go. Give me a note, give me a text, anything that I can hold onto so I can let go. I need you. In my life in some way. When will you come back?

I Wanna Tell You a Story...

About a great night. I arrived a little late, my boyfriend could only find the place so fast. This was gonna be the night of my first party. I got there with a friend but his girlfriend didn't want him to stay. I told my boyfriend I would stay at this party. Gathered around a campfire, we all laughed about the past four years. You were there and as the night got later, I got closer to you. It was such a nice night and it was such a warm fire. You had a sleeping bag for the two of us. They all started drinking and I laughed as they lost it. You stayed by my side, talking to me cause you knew I had issues. You held me close and for that night, I wasn't anybody's property. I wasn't anyone's problem. I was just having fun, and that was a truly great night.

Now here's the kicker, none of that happened. When my boyfriend asked, I left with him and my friend and I never got to stay. I never tasted that beautiful night. I went home that night, alone, and slept in my bed, alone.

I think about that night all the time. Was that the day I decided I would always be someone else's property? Or was that the night you decided I would never be worth it? Human, I can't read your mind. It's going on four months since we last talked and I can't help but obsess over what I could've done. I've gone over every text, every message, every memory. Was this the one where you decided I wasn't going to be yours again? Will I never be yours again? I know I fucked up, I know what I did but I can't take it back. Is it just one of those things where I have to let you go, even when it pains me so much to know that you're gone every day? If your plan is just to cut everything and leave, can you kill me first so I don't have to endure this pain. I've lost my best friend, the only person who would listen and a person I loved so fully that it's hard to imagine a future without you in it. I cherished every second I had with you and I loved every second we were together. Why am I lost to you when I'm right here, pounding at your door for you to let me in again? Please give me something....

Dust and to Gold

Driving late at night, stars fade under harsh street lights. Hear the engine go, hear it roar against the speed limit. What was it like a year ago? I was in the woods. I was in your car. I was at the movies. I was smiling. Who are you anymore? I've never known you to talk behind someone's back. I've never known you to spread rumors. When I came to terms with everything I had done to you, everything I felt for you, you had changed. You aren't my friend anymore because of a line I gave you three years ago. You looked at me different but you didn't see me different. Then out of nowhere, you changed the lenses, you looked past me like I wasn't worth the time. The only explanation I get is that you changed? That I was too much? Four years and now, nothing. Nothing at all. No voice, no note, not even a hint as to what has happened.

And Now something bigger is happening. Something worse, and I can't talk to you. I don't want to talk to anyone else but I have to find someone else, someone to listen again. A part of me is dying. It hurts, everything hurts and I want to leave. I want to run away into oblivion. See nothing but black darkness of eternal. I'll want to hear you again, so if I call, You're voicemail would probably be nicer. I hope you come to the party.

Yes, It Was You

I loved you. Not the type where it went away or faded, but a type of love so strong that it lit this glorious flame inside of me. I felt I could do anything, I was everything you said I was. But I had never felt so indestructible before, so I made mistakes. I made a great mistake that lead to me losing you. I’ve dated people after you, trying to feel so free again but in truth, the only time I’ve felt alive was when I was in your room, your car, laughing and being what we were before. Now you’ve decided these years weren’t worth it and we aren’t talking. I see parts of you in my life. My friends joke and tell me I’m better off and I’m trying to be. One day, I want to talk to you again and tell you what I’ve been through. I want to call you up again. But I’m starting to understand that I need to learn to be free without you, alive without you. We were best friends, passionate lovers, and everything in between. I love you in such a deep way that it hurts, and I guess that’s the problem, it shouldn’t hurt to love you. It should be easy, but the pain lets me know I have to learn to love before I can love you. I need to love myself, love someone else, just love without you.

It's Not Supposed to End Like this

It's not love that I'm feeling, or at least I hope it's not. I can see you in my head and it makes me cry. I don't want to remember you like this. I want to remember you the way we were in the woods. I want to remember our secrets and our hushed voices. I want to remember us that one Christmas morning. I want us to still be together in some sort of way, but that's not how this is gonna end. I'm scared to talk to you, scared you'll yell at me, or worse, you won't. I'm afraid that this was the last straw and I know it's all my fault. I know I can't take any of it back, but I still never lied to you. You were just ready not to trust me. I know what your hearing in your ears, but you're not letting me speak to your heart. I'm not going to lie, I've been crying because I know this is the end. Even as I write this, it's getting harder to see my keyboard. It's been seven years and yet I can't talk to you like I used to. This is what I was talking about, why I said we couldn't be together. Even though you said that you didn't look at me any different after the incident, you were so quick to believe what they said because you had heard it once before. It was two years ago and yet, I was right, you look at me differently. And maybe I deserve that, maybe I deserve to be this mess that I am right now. But you still lied to me. Now you haven't spoken to me in the week. In that week, I've dealt with everyone else. Some listened and heard me out, others fought back. Now there's you and me. I would give anything to call you right now. I'd give anything to hear you laugh, calm me out of my tears, but I know you answer. If I went to your house, would you let me in? Or would you yell at me? Would I even get a goodbye hug? One last time to feel safe in your arms. I never planned any of this. Just one last chance, one last moment, with you, human. Please?

Your Future Girlfriend

Is she like me? Does she listen to all the things you mumble in your sleep? Will she hold you tight and make the pain go away? I'm sorry love, but I can't make it go away. I can't end the pain but I'll stay close to you until you find that girl who can help you like I never could. I'm sorry but I'm a little possessive. She'll have to win you before I try and let go. Believe it or not, I need you because you make my pain go away even if it's only for a minute, I'm at peace with you. So please don't leave me until you're sure you found your soulmate in her. Until then, can I stay and pretend a little longer that I can help? That I'm the future girlfriend and not someone else?

Drowning in Poison

Do you think you're the only one who feels these things? I feel them too, I always have. The doubt, the pain, the angst. I feel it too. I'm just as human as you, maybe even less so, but right now, we're both in pain. I've been holding back tears and I don't want to move. I just want to lay in bed until something feels right again. I'll make you feel better because I know that hopeless feeling you're choking on. I've tasted it and drank it down like a vile of poison. It eats me from the inside. I'm dying. Save me?

Three days out of Fourteen

I'm alone tonight. Been alone the past few nights and I still have a while to go. It's starting to hurt, that stab when you left. Like the numb in a wound. The tears stung my face, little acid droplets. I told myself not to cry. It wasn't until those last few seconds that I noticed that you were really leaving. I didn't think it would happen, but here I am, craving a sweet embrace I cannot have. I'm holding back the tears cause it's only been three days. Save my tears for your return. Cry into your shoulder because that's where I long to be. It seems so far away right now. The days where I was holding you, the days where you were no farther than arm's reach. It's only been three days yet I feel like each hour takes a part of me. This can't last forever. And then, the dark side shows and I'm scared. This can't last forever, he has to come back, right? He'll come back in one piece. He won't leave forever. He'll kiss me again, right? There are so many things that could go wrong. And it's only been three days.

You're My God?

You're yelling and screaming, drowning in the ocean of your own tears. When did Alice start watching others suffer in her Wonderland? I'm sorry you've done this to yourself. I'm so sorry you thought you could be God. Well honey, if you're God then I'm an atheist for a damn good reason. It's over and done with, there's nothing you can say that can save yourself. So God, start praying for some forgiveness. Maybe your God is kinder than you are. Maybe your God will understand your sins?

The Drive Home

When we can't be together, my mind gets mixed up in all sorts of things. I can't tell if I'm paranoid or just worried. Maybe I'm selfish, wanting all your smiles to be mine. I want to be your escape, your happy place. I've been bothered recently about things I know I shouldn't worry about, about things that don't even concern me. I've been watching from afar as my only friend starts to leave me. Maybe it's because I've never been this alone in my life, or maybe it's that I can't let go. Things that never used to scare me, now render me hopeless and frightened. I know it's stupid of me to feel this way but I can't stop it. I'm not even sure how to stop it. I can't ask for things, I can't say things, because all my words don't sound right. I don't want to be too demanding, I can't be assertive. I've had to do things on my own and it's like stepping off the shelf in the ocean into that void. I'm scared and running out of air. I don't want to bother you to help me, I don't want to ask for help because I know they have more important things to do. Now, one by one, my friends are leaving me behind and I can't help it, I can't change it, and soon you'll be the only one I have left. I don't want to put that stress on you. I don't want to be a burden. I need you too hold me tight or at least hold my hand. I can't just jump out into the world, I can't just change. I need you to help me.

Forgotten

My, how things can change. One moment you're dancing with champagne and next your hung over on the couch with no good memories. It hurts to be alone. I need to feel something. I'm a cold mess.

Dark Paradise

They tell me to forget your face, forget the memories, forget those nights. Yet every time I close my eyes, it seems you're staring back at me. When you haunt my dreams, I don't want to wake up no matter how much they hurt. I've tried to let go before and all it did was get me in trouble. So I've just settled with the fact that I'm never going to fully let you go, at least not for a long while yet. It's going on three years since you left and here I am, still writing in my notebooks, still wishing on stars. One day I'll finally forget you. Maybe then, it won't hurt anymore.

When The Tricks Are Gone

When my pretty face withers, will you still kiss it? When my lips aren't rosy, will they still weave magic for you? Today, I have my looks and today, I am beautiful. No matter what anyone says, I know I am beautiful. One day soon, I won't have these looks anymore, my voice will crack and my eyes will reflect my sadness. There will be a day when no one will look twice at me and when that day comes, will you still be there? When the magic is gone, can you handle this broken heart? Today I play with their hearts but tomorrow, I'll be watching from the outside. Will you watch with me?

Dancing On Top Of The Flames

I won't back down without a fight. I refuse to just back out. This is my match and I'm gonna win that prize. I've never been a very honorable person but this is my second chance and I won't let them crush it. They keep talking but I'm the one with a machine gun. "Go on and talk!" I shout into the open air. "This is my game, time to play my cards, you know you don't have a chance." My weaponry is open and the ammo is well stocked. Sometimes, you have to be your own hero. I'll let him rest, he's fought well. Now this is one battle no one else can fight. I've got this. Be it Magician or Devil, I'll be ready. Anyone who tried to rip me down, they're gonna get burned by my flames. I have the gasoline in my veins and this war can go on for as long as you want. Keep getting up, I'll keep hitting harder. You can't win this. All those lies you told them, it's coming back for you. I'll get my forces back up. It my fault for getting lazy, thought I was secure but I can quickly remedy that. You are nothing but a puppet and I'm gonna cut you off your strings. Face me if you dare and bring your whole army cause I'll win and you know it.