One Last Goodbye

I guess I've been holding on too hard. I guess I just lost. I haven't lost in a long time so I'm not sure how to handle it. I guess I've been missing an idea of you that no longer exists. Though I still think it's dumb what happened, and the words you said, honestly you could've tried to make me feel a little better about it. That was kinda mean, making me leave your house, crying all the way across town. Really, you need some sensitivity training. Your flaws are as human as you are. I had this idea of you for so long that I don't know how to see you now. I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't forgive you the second you asked. I'm weak like that. I've been trying to make a life around you and I guess it's not working. I moved back into town, tried to get an apartment near you and I've been trying to plan my life around your schedule. I give up.

I've been going over all the memories, picking out my favorites and talking about you all the time. I've told everyone our story, beginning to end. My mistakes, yours too, all our moments and our fights. I think my favorite is still the camping trip though I promise I'll keep my mouth shut about somethings, I promised you. Though it was still one of my favorite few days. The campfire and just everyone. Your old truck and I swear she gets prettier with age. I had a rock in my back every night so it was either get closer or go to the other side of the tent. And I was so scared when I thought I heard a bear and got even more scared when you said it was a moose. We stayed an extra night out there because we were all too lazy to pack up.

Then it goes to science class when were separated because of interplanetary jokes. Years later, we'd walk ten miles just to get back that joke. Though it was unsafe, I loved walking that late at night with you, just talking for hours. The first time we did it, we got halfway there and thought we had parked in a tow-away zone and turned back as fast as we could. The stars were so pretty, the tide was going and I told you that I wanted to see high tide one day.

And I know they were part of the reason we don't talk anymore, but I remember what it felt like to kiss you every time, from the first to the last. I think that's what I may miss most but my life is too unstable to trap you with me. I would love to drop everything for you but dropping everything means a lot more now than it did when this began. When this started, I had nothing to lose and I could throw it all, but now I have a crappy life with a crappy job and a broken-down house with loud and annoying roommates. I'd love to drop it all but other people depend on me. I'd lose my room at a house that I help pay for. I'd lose my internet to write you these dumb posts and all for you to probably be in the same place you are now.

I'll be here if you need me.

It's Not Supposed to End Like this

It's not love that I'm feeling, or at least I hope it's not. I can see you in my head and it makes me cry. I don't want to remember you like this. I want to remember you the way we were in the woods. I want to remember our secrets and our hushed voices. I want to remember us that one Christmas morning. I want us to still be together in some sort of way, but that's not how this is gonna end. I'm scared to talk to you, scared you'll yell at me, or worse, you won't. I'm afraid that this was the last straw and I know it's all my fault. I know I can't take any of it back, but I still never lied to you. You were just ready not to trust me. I know what your hearing in your ears, but you're not letting me speak to your heart. I'm not going to lie, I've been crying because I know this is the end. Even as I write this, it's getting harder to see my keyboard. It's been seven years and yet I can't talk to you like I used to. This is what I was talking about, why I said we couldn't be together. Even though you said that you didn't look at me any different after the incident, you were so quick to believe what they said because you had heard it once before. It was two years ago and yet, I was right, you look at me differently. And maybe I deserve that, maybe I deserve to be this mess that I am right now. But you still lied to me. Now you haven't spoken to me in the week. In that week, I've dealt with everyone else. Some listened and heard me out, others fought back. Now there's you and me. I would give anything to call you right now. I'd give anything to hear you laugh, calm me out of my tears, but I know you answer. If I went to your house, would you let me in? Or would you yell at me? Would I even get a goodbye hug? One last time to feel safe in your arms. I never planned any of this. Just one last chance, one last moment, with you, human. Please?

Three days out of Fourteen

I'm alone tonight. Been alone the past few nights and I still have a while to go. It's starting to hurt, that stab when you left. Like the numb in a wound. The tears stung my face, little acid droplets. I told myself not to cry. It wasn't until those last few seconds that I noticed that you were really leaving. I didn't think it would happen, but here I am, craving a sweet embrace I cannot have. I'm holding back the tears cause it's only been three days. Save my tears for your return. Cry into your shoulder because that's where I long to be. It seems so far away right now. The days where I was holding you, the days where you were no farther than arm's reach. It's only been three days yet I feel like each hour takes a part of me. This can't last forever. And then, the dark side shows and I'm scared. This can't last forever, he has to come back, right? He'll come back in one piece. He won't leave forever. He'll kiss me again, right? There are so many things that could go wrong. And it's only been three days.

You're My God?

You're yelling and screaming, drowning in the ocean of your own tears. When did Alice start watching others suffer in her Wonderland? I'm sorry you've done this to yourself. I'm so sorry you thought you could be God. Well honey, if you're God then I'm an atheist for a damn good reason. It's over and done with, there's nothing you can say that can save yourself. So God, start praying for some forgiveness. Maybe your God is kinder than you are. Maybe your God will understand your sins?

Turn Off The Lights

Bra strap hanging off my shoulder, cold air hitting my bare skin. Whip my pants into the hamper, shirt soon to follow. I'm laying awake thinking about him and his damn green eyes. I'm thinking about his hands in my hair and his lips on every inch of me. Got nothing but his sweater on and I know he'd find it so cute. My mischievous little mind is up to it's no good tricks with those damned green eyes. I've got some lovin to give and man do I wish I could have it tonight. I'll wait like a good little girl, can't rush perfection. Gotta give him something to want, give him a chance to want. Just because I want it now, doesn't mean I should. The best wines take time so I'll let this little thought brew in my head. Sides, gotta savour that cake. That green eyed cake.

We Both Matter, Don't We?

I don't care what the doctors tell you, I don't care what your parents or friends tell you. I don't care what they have to say about you because I know who you are. I know it all now. I know those hard choices and the pain you've endured. I know... I know hun. They all tell me different things. They've told me I could do better, that you're not the right person. I've heard it all, even from you. Heard all the voices telling me what I should do, who I should be with and how I should live my life. Well I've started to laugh, make them think I'll do what they say. I've already made up my mind, you're in my future. The path I walk now, I'll walk with you. We'll guide each other. We're running the same way. I'm done listening to all of them, even you. I know what I want, I know I'll find it with you. Whatever I can get out of this life, I'll get it with you. No, you're not the best I could do and no you aren't perfect. If I was chasing perfection, I wouldn't have stayed. If I wanted the most handsome or the smartest, I wouldn't have stopped for you. I'm not looking for the most successful or the one with money, I'm looking for the one who changes my insides, stirs my imagination, wakes me. I don't need a big brother or the perfect husband, I need the one with flaws. I need the one who makes me happy. I need the one who can help me see. I chose you. Who else could match my sarcasm? Who else could see under my hard shell? Who else could repair the broken girl? We're not going to have the perfect love story or be the cute couple on campus. We're gonna be the ones who people will see together for the rest of their lives. Through the fights and the tears, holding me through the nightmares, you'll be with me. We're both a little not right. We'll always be the puzzle pieces that don't fit in the big picture. But I fit with you.

Face Me, Fight Me

You put the rules on me, always trying to bring me down. You limit my internet, restrict my books and yet you still have no power. Handcuff my hands together and I'll still write. I like this little game we play, where you think you have any sense of power and I break all your rules anyway. I'm a force and there are many more like me, so many more who will fight back. We are the the ones who learned how not to break the rules and yet break them at the same time. We learned how to fight the power and never get in trouble. You live in a world of contracts and limitations; a world where the rules are outlined and there are no ways around them. You live in a world where you cannot escape the pens and papers you signed. We are the loop holes, the system breakers and the code chasers. We read the fine print, we know where your power ends. We know how to swim off the deep end. The more rules you impose, the more creative we get.

Forgotten

My, how things can change. One moment you're dancing with champagne and next your hung over on the couch with no good memories. It hurts to be alone. I need to feel something. I'm a cold mess.

{Command[life]} == Erase

Can I write a code for life? Can I make this sky purple or change this grass to razors? If I had all the power that a code gives me, I would write a new life for myself. I could be prettier. My eyes could be more blue, I could be thinner, why can't I just love who I am now? What did I do to warrant so many tears? I've been through a lot in my life and fear it may not be over. My doubts never cease and I'm starting to think this life is doomed to repeat. All I want is these terrible memories to leave. Why can't I forget? Why is his voice still clear in my head? Why must I be so tormented? What did I do? Please Hero, save me from the torment of these memories. Hold me close and make me forget. I don't want to remember.

A Dinner Party

Help me mix the brew, time to give everyone a scare. Throw a party and we'll all have a jolly good time. May I have this dance? Now the main event. Ladies and Gents, There's something special in your tea. Made it myself. Now they say that life is short but all of you won't know the true meaning of just how short life can be. Cheers to your demise.

You Won't Notice

When I put on my mask, no one can tell. I'm dancing with her, now you, them, and you'll never know who was just holding your hand. My mask is colorful with glitter and stars. All you can see are my blue eyes. As we dance, you'll keep guessing. I won't tell but I'm your prince, your princess, lover, friend. I'm your dream. Behind this mask, I'll be anyone and you'll fall in love with a stranger. All the things you wanted to hear, all the lies I could tell just to make you smile. For one night, you'll feel like a queen in my company. Don't doubt me, just know I can. Forever and ever. I'll dance around your dreams. Just don't lift my mask.

I Refuse....

I refuse to think that the possibility of having full equality in the world would cause anything. I refuse to think that some of my family wouldn't support the decisions I make. I refuse to think that my mom is dying. I refuse to think about the people who have screwed me over or the thought of war. For now, I refuse to think that the world is as bad as it is because maybe in the morning, I can deal with the hate, the pain, the torment and the loss. Maybe in the morning, I'll see the love that I missed today. I await the day when I'll be proud of the world I live in. So just for tonight, I'm going to curl up under my covers and pretend that's it's going to be all right.

My New Life

I knew it was trouble when we kissed. As soon as our lips touched, I felt my control slip away in an instant. Were we ever meant to be? I hope so because I don't think I can take another 'goodbye'. Some nights I stay up all night for no reason but I know you're on my mind. I've thought a lot about my past mistakes and I'm trying not to let that define me. I've got quite a few scars and I'm not sure you understand how many of my cuts still bleed. I just don't want to mess this up. I've been through quite a lot. I've been cheated on and tormented, been played and I'll admit I played some people. Love's been this big game for a while, a game I tend to lose no matter how hard I try. I've cried too many tears and I've got this shell that I retreat to. I've been this way for a long time now and it's not good. So I'm making some changes, dealing with this new body. I'm weak and I'm slowly coming to terms with that. So forgive me if you see my shell when I get scared. Forgive me for the wide places my head goes when I'm not focused. Forgive the things I do without warning and forgive my mood swings when I'm not that stable. You've been so nice to me and without even trying, you've stolen my heart. I want you to keep it and I'm gonna do anything in my power to keep it in your hands. Things are going to get hard and harder still. I don't know how to fix your problems but I can promise Ii can always be there when you need me. I want to be the perfect girl but that's not gonna happen. So just play nice. My hero.

Shy Girl's Lover

She's so small, you wouldn't see her in the crowd. She wears all the colors of the rainbow to stand out, yet she's still just a shadow in the background. People use her and abuse her. Her heart's been tormented, broken and strangled so she knows how to find real love by now. She's got a lot to offer to a friend who will see her. Every day, she walks those halls, being bumped and knocked down over and over but when that last bell rings, that shy girl becomes someone again. For there, across the lot is a silver chariot with a hero ready to see her. She slides in and he notices her. He loves her smiles, loves her eyes, loves her skin. He sees the things that no one else sees in this one girl. When the whole world walks by her, he stops and asks for her hand. He's a shy boy, no one saw him before her. Now they are over looked by most but the eyes on them as they kiss, they see that this is no normal love. This shy girl found her shy boy. Gave him her daring heart and kissed away his pain. He's her lover, that strange hero.

The Odd One

We're the targets, everyone blaming us. We're the gamers, escaping reality on every console. We're the dreamers, making up the future we want. We're the odd ones yet I couldn't be happier just like that. You and I, we're gonna run fast toward the sun. For us, the world is wide open, never ever limiting ourselves. We've got the killer smiles and the worst jokes, yet I wouldn't change a thing. After all the hell we've been through, after the hard times and the never-ending tears, we know that it's time to look up and smile. Fight our way to the happy days. Fight our way to the summer memories and the winter smiles. I'll fight for you, you'll fight for me and we'll get to where we're going. Because we're the targets, no one wants our problems. We're the gamers, laughing and playing games. We're the dreamers, always getting back on track. We're the odd ones yet I couldn't be happier just like that.

Dancing On Top Of The Flames

I won't back down without a fight. I refuse to just back out. This is my match and I'm gonna win that prize. I've never been a very honorable person but this is my second chance and I won't let them crush it. They keep talking but I'm the one with a machine gun. "Go on and talk!" I shout into the open air. "This is my game, time to play my cards, you know you don't have a chance." My weaponry is open and the ammo is well stocked. Sometimes, you have to be your own hero. I'll let him rest, he's fought well. Now this is one battle no one else can fight. I've got this. Be it Magician or Devil, I'll be ready. Anyone who tried to rip me down, they're gonna get burned by my flames. I have the gasoline in my veins and this war can go on for as long as you want. Keep getting up, I'll keep hitting harder. You can't win this. All those lies you told them, it's coming back for you. I'll get my forces back up. It my fault for getting lazy, thought I was secure but I can quickly remedy that. You are nothing but a puppet and I'm gonna cut you off your strings. Face me if you dare and bring your whole army cause I'll win and you know it.

Green Lightning Strikes

A flash across the skies above, the air changes and love can be love again. No more pointless games, no more stupid tricks, just love the way it should be. When our eyes meet, it's nothing but pure. Someone who will miss me. Someone who saved me from pointless love. One willing to fight on every plain for me. Sweet cherry love from one brave enough to fight. All this time, I should have known. His sword drawn, blessed with my heart, forward he will march. I will fight alongside him. I'm tired of forever not meaning forever. So I will fight with him for as long as I can.

A Letter To The Hearts

Dear Prince, I think it's time to tell you how proud I am of how far you have come. After all these years, it's still a little hard some days. You started something and even helped me become who I am today. I still remember the days we spent together, laughing all the time. I wonder what happened. I never understood why I ended up hurting you when all you ever did was make my day so much better. You did rescue me over and over. I don't think you will ever understand just how sorry I really am for hurting you. Dear Angel, The lessons you taught me still ring in my head. If anything, you were a teacher more than a heart-breaker. You convinced me to start writing again and I don't think the amount of joy I have gained from that will ever repay you. I know I kept bugging you and honestly, I'm still going to wish you happy birthday every year just so you know I haven't forgotten what you said over that phone. I haven't seen you in years and I don't think I'll ever see you again but if I did run into you, I would start up the conversation. Wouldn't bring up the bad points, just ask how life is going for you. Dear Human, Although my adventures with you weren't too long ago, it still feels like a distant memory. You were the normal one after a batch of crazy rides. We made all kinds of promises and I'm still gonna hold you to a few. Just a few months ago, we were at the ball and now talking is awkward between us. You were a great friend all those years ago and I hope that you can be my friend again. I never thought I would end up leaving but things happen in both our lives. I'm sorry for all the pain I still am causing but at least we can still smile and laugh together. At least we have our memories. Dear Magician, Now you are one letter I never thought I would ever write. Mainly because I would like to blame you for everything bad that happened between us. You are all kinds of stupid yet that's what makes me laugh. I will admit to causing most of the issues. You made me feel alive yet a corpse at the same time. I shouldn't have changed myself just for you, should have shown you who I really am. Live and Learn. Now you're gone, another heart I don't feel I rightfully broke. Somethings aren't planned and how we ended, wasn't planned at all. Yet I still thank you for the wild ride and the half the heart you gave. Dear Green Eyed Hero, I have yet to do anything against you and I hope I never do. I've learned that I need to be myself around you, and that's a little scary for me. I've formed a shell that keeps the threats away but it doesn't help when you need someone. Keeps the love out too. So I'm letting you see me, which I haven't done for a long time. If you should ever decide to let me go, be nice about it because how this ends determines if I will ever open up again. So far, every day has been fantastic and that worries me. I'm waiting for something to go wrong because this is too good. One day I may see that it really is that good. I may do weird things and I'm rather childish. It may take some time to get used to me and if I'm ever too much, just tell me to calm down. I hope this will be different but if it's not, you will forever hold a place.

Mark Of The Lost

Calm yourself little girl. Your time will come to fight those who torment. I'm sorry you cry tonight when you aren't the one to blame. My little girl, don't cry. Inside your mind is prince who can fight for you. We all know how scared you are, so I'll let you sleep while I fight these battles for you. You are too sweet to be in this cruel world. What with Demons and Devils, Magicians and Angels. The world is full of those who will hurt you but I will fight for you. I am part of you, the part that can take a hit. I can fight back and I will defend what is left of your sanity. So while you hold tight to your hero, I will fight off the monsters that still want to ruin what you have found. Be Yourself around him, let him love the real you. No one else knows you, knows all your little quirks so share that with someone. That hero with the green eyes, he's going to keep you safe. I can handle everything else, as long as you fall in love with someone who finally knows you.

The Beat, That Bass

Out in the world, been rejected and suffocated. I hear something deep, feel it in my bones and I can't help but follow. The sweet sound of violins but that can't be it. I enter the club, so many people. Faces I knew, faces of torment and I'm ready to run away in fear. Then there's a pause and and then a drop I feel through my feet. My heart beats with it and I can't help but dance while that bass drops over and over. My heart alive and suddenly, the crowd is gone. It's just me dancing with a stranger. I know his face, I know this pull and before I can run away, the bass draws me to the green eyes. I don't give it a second thought as his arms wrap around me. Bass has me hypnotized into this lovers eyes and I'm not scared of anything, not focused at all. It's just me and him and it's perfect.