If I cry this midnight as the ball drops, I'll be crying out your name. It's not right to start a new year without you.

It's a Merry Christmas Indeed

It's finally offical, I've got a new place to call my own and friends to keep me distracted. I'll be getting a new phone number soon and a phone that doesn't have a picture of you on it. I never thought it'd come to this. Never thought we would be here. I had always imagined that we would at least talk until we were eighty. I'm still waiting for you to talk or text me. Once I get my new number, I know I'll give it to you just to keep the hope alive that you'll call me up one day. I'm still waiting for you to change your mind and I'll keep that door open for you for the next century. However long it takes for me to get you back.

Take Away My Pain

I'd rather have you. It'd be you over anything. I'd give up anything for you to come back to me. The very sight of you tears me apart. All I want is you. How much longer before this stops hurting?

All I Want for Christmas

You wrote the only note in my locker. You gave me the only love I could've known. There are moments, I've been blocking you out for so long. Why is it so hard for you to answer me? It's been seven months and I'm still crying over you. I'm still trying but you gave up a long time ago. You aren't the same but I'm still in love with you. You left a note in my locker going on seven years ago. I don't remember the words anymore but I remember the feeling. I remember feeling special for a moment. As time went on, I felt like it was a cruel trick someone had played. A year passed and I threw it away because I thought it was someone mocking me. Three years after that note was left, you told me you wrote it. Three years later, you would stop talking to me.

Merry Christmas

I can't even think about being around you. Last year, I was begging for the fudge you made me once. What happened to us? Where did we go? Why aren't we talking about what's happening this Christmas. I have the day off work and you know I don't celebrate. Why am I not coming over on Christmas to hear everything and laugh with your family. I'm thankful I can still remember your laughter before all this. Your brothers all getting wound up on chocolate. I had a spot in your family. I had a spot with you. Where are you? It's all I want for the holidays, to hear something from you. Who does this to a person? Who just walks off? Where's my best friend? Where's my love? We spent every day after school together for years. I'm scared to go back to college because you might be there. When you're drunk, I can at least see you without you leaving. Sober, you run away from me. When will you come back? Will you come back? Your room was blue with a sliver stripe. Is that poster still in your closet? At least spend a day with me. A day where we can be us again. Laugh and play games and talk. You could stab me afterward for all I care, I just want a hint that you're not lost. I want just a hint that there's still something I recognize in you, something I still love.

Damn

I've been waiting for months for you to tell me it was all a mistake. I was waiting to hear you call me, to see you. For even just a glimpse of something to give me hope. You left me with nothing. Now I feel like nothing.

California

Kissed me at a fountain. We planned or honeymoon with the water shooting far up. I found a new favorite cookie. We wanted to get a hotel right at that spot. I imagined a future where I would dance in my underwear with you. I would marry you. I don't want to think about marriage again because it wouldn't be you. It was always you but not anymore. It's not you who picks me up from work. It's not you who I call when I have a bad day. I still hold my breath when I think I might see you. Suck in my tummy, shoulders back and pretend that the sight of you doesn't tear me apart. I've been crying again.

It's Not Fucking Okay

I couldn't keep him happy. There had to be a reason behind it. I just want to die. The only person who ever loved me has turned his back. Who told him it was okay to leave me? I can't keep going on. Who does he think he is? He's not worth it. I'll scream into the sky. He doesn't deserve me but I need him. I want him. I want to see him, hear his voice. I want to walk away forever, never look back. When did I fucking ask for this? I'm broken, I'm hurt. I don't want to be here. I want to be there. Fucking call me! At least tell me to fuck off! All I want is to hear that voice. I want to held again. The beard, the arms, the spiral, the hands, the eyes. I want it all back. After everything I've been through, all I've done for him and yet, he can't hear me crying. He won't hear me. Dammit! Fuck off! Stop killing and give me something to fix. Give me something to hang onto. Fucking anything. I don't deserve this. I need him. Need to talk to him, need a hug. Jesus I am not okay without him.

Again and Again

I've been happy recently. That's a good way to start things off. I've been enjoying my life and how it's been going. Things aren't perfect but they never were. I've just been happy.

Though, I'm not going to lie. I was thinking about you a few nights ago and it hit me hard. I cried again. I wonder how many tears I'm going to shed for you. Thinking about you just sucks away all of my strength, all my will to go on. Every time I think of you, it's like being shot by a sniper. All the pain from before comes back in a short bullet through my chest. You're not even reading these, you're not even worth it. Why do I even care anymore? You don't care about me and I'm starting to wonder if you ever did.

Do you remember when we were everything together? God Dammit! I know I messed it up but for one moment, can we not think about that? For one moment, can we think about how it used to be? The snow, the winter, you were perfect. I saw you drunk on that couch and that wasn't you. Where did you go? Did you leave me forever? You tried to hurt her, you said such horrible things. Have I been in love with the wrong you? Please tell me this is new because I don't know if I could stand to know you've always been like this. Since when did holding me make you cringe? Since when did I become your rival? I can't love you anymore. I've come to terms that you're not the same person I fell in love with.

All I want is to see a glimpse of the love I lost, the man I kissed, the boy I loved so deeply it cut into my soul. For one night, I want to hear you say my name again. Like you used to.

A Morning Snow

It's early morning and it's been raining for days. Streets are cold and the wind cuts your face. I was out walking because that was the only thing that made sense to me. Just kept walking until it started not to hurt. Wandering for hours and I found myself at a door I had walked through many times before. A door that had always opened to greet me in the warmest of ways. Now it was early in the morning and I know no one behind that door is awake but there is one person I want to see. I walk across the darkness and open the bedroom door. He's asleep and for some reason, all I care about at that moment is touching his skin. For some reason all I can think about is his voice saying my name. Without even thinking, I'm crawling into his bed while he sleeps. My hair is still wet, my skin is still icy and yet, I just want to touch him. He doesn't wake right away but his arms pull around me as he sleeps. My problems are gone, my worries are melted and it's just me looking at him. It's just us as a fall asleep in his embrace.

I'm Done

The bed will be empty. The house will be quiet. There will be no 'I love you's or 'Stay home today's because it'll be just me. There won't be anyone to come home to and there will be no future marriage promises. I'll be alone in that house and I'll be happy. I'm building it by myself. My posters will be on the wall and that'll be my shower curtain that I picked out myself. I'll make my own life without you. It'll hurt at first but I don't need someone who constantly tears me down. I don't need someone who thinks my only worth is with them. This is my life dammit. Don't even try to keep me because I'm done with the bullshit you've put me through.

I Don't Want To Wake

My hands in jet black hair, soft lips kissing me, callin me beautiful. There's the playful banter and there's the way I see those blue eyes lookin at me. It's the way he says my name or the way he always answers me. Makes me feel like I can't fail, that things will be okay. I'm changing now because I know I can or at least, he knows I can. That's all I need. That's all I've ever needed is someone to believe in me when I don't have the strength to go forward. Someone to pull me back up after I've fallen apart. Finally, someone to open my eyes for me. Someone to help me fix it all and all he asks in return, is a smile when it's better. All he wants is company. Nothing demanded from me, nothing expected from me, just wanting to be there when I'm better.

What a beautiful dream to have.

Back Me Up

Taste the sweet love as it pours into your soul. We are not defined by the love we live for. I'm sitting in a corner crying. It hurts to know I'm not for him. It hurts to know I wasn't worth the time anymore. I was sitting in corner crying and he walked up. I've been sad for so long about him. He picked me up. What was the point of all this pain? He held me close, breathing new air into me. He made me see where I've been. How things have been changing while I was gone. He held my hand and walked through all the things that changed while I was sad. He showed me a map of where I needed to go from there; how to change the hell I had fallen in. Now I'm working to get out of this pain. Now I'm building something and when I start to fall, when the pain starts to come back, he stands behind me, whispering "This isn't the end," Now I'm going to live.

What I Needed

I needed a reason to leave this life I've settled for. I finally found it. There's no point missing someone who doesn't love you back or trying to go back to someone who hasn't even opened their arms for you. There's no point being sad about things that you can't change. Unfortunately, you have to feel that pain in full. You can't ignore it and you can't run away from it. The pain follows you and it demands to be paid in full. But oh god, once you feel it all and you can move on, that sun has never felt so good. The wind smells better, the rain feels clean and every one of your senses is back at full. Your favorite food tastes better than you remember it. Your clothes feel softer. In full, this is what living is for. When you can look out on a dark a gloomy night and feel at peace, that's when it's over. You don't have to hurt anymore and life without that pain, no matter for how short of a time, is worth every second. Nothing will beat just knowing your alive and enjoying it. And while being alive may suck 95% of the time, that other 5% is worth everything. It's worth everything to feel alive again.

Shhhh..... It's Still Too Loud

It's not worth it. I'm gonna talk myself down now because it's not worth ruining everything early. It's not worth the pain, the tears or the plans. It's not worth my plans. Yet it's worth a little bit of my heart. It's worth some time and some of my smile. It's worth a little warmth and some kind words. I'm moving on now and finding something new to live for. I'm drawing again and can walk a few blocks without thinking about it. I'm not thinking about his smile every moment anymore. I haven't thought about him in a day and a half. I'm not dressing up for him. In the far back of my mind, I'm pushing thoughts of him away. I don't want to see his car or his favorite color. I don't want to know how he takes his coffee or the numbers to his phone number. I'm trying to forget how his hands felt in my hair and the way he speaks. It's like ripping off a band-aid on a new burn. Every breath of air makes me want to scream and I'm panicking that I don't have him to hold onto in public. I'm trying to stop myself from wanting him anymore because he's already over me.

-Unrelated Note-

I want to tell him to run, tell him that I'm not worth anything. I want him to run away from me yet I keep pulling back. I keep going back. I want to laugh like this forever and I want to see that smile every day. Maybe I don't need my human to tell me to move on. Maybe I don't need someone else to take control of my life. I can do this. I can take my life into my own hands. With the promise that one day, I'll be someone better.

'I Just Don't Want To Talk'

I've been sleeping alone. My feelings don't seem to matter. No one really cares about what I have to say. But there was you. At one time, there was you. At one time, back in a memory, you would take away the pain. At a midnight under the stars, I fell in love with the way you breathe. In a crowd of a thousand, I fell in love with your laugh. In a drowsy morning, I fell in love with your steps. That small spiral on your face, the way your glasses tilted, how your shirt hung from you, I fell in love. I took in the air from your lungs like watercolors dripping down a painting. You stained me in deep shades of blue and painted my world in white bright. The snow fell around us in every season. Forever a blizzard in our world. Dark nights were our dates, an old truck was our restaurant, and we were happy in a fairy-tale for two.

You closed the storybook.

Rewind to When You Cared

I wish none of this had to happen. I wish after days like these, you would still be there to calm me down and to tell me what to do. I wish that after crying at work, I could still call you and have you talk me down. I wish we could still go out at night and forget our problems because I need that right now. I need someone and I know that someone can't be you. Unfortunately, there seems to be no one else who could be you. After today, I just want to listen to the music in your car. I feel broken, lost and hopeless. I feel like I need you but I have to learn to get through these days now. If only the you I loved was still around, I miss him. You're not who I need because you aren't the one who cares anymore.

Smiles Can Kill

You were waiting for me to give you an answer. You were waiting for a reason for the pain, for the longing. You were waiting for a reason to stay and you didn't get one. So you closed off yourself. You shut me out and you went cold. I cried, over and over for many reasons. I needed you because you were the only one who listened. I needed you because you were the only one who cared. You were always the only one who could fix everything. You made it all hurt less. You knew what I needed every time. And yet I was left alone. I was alone for the first time in seven years. I was alone in the world and I had to find a way to deal with the pain. It felt like a thousand knives, being set on fire, like reliving your death all over. Worse yet, the only person who could fix it, was you. You weren't there. The pain did nothing but grow and hurt every day I was outside. My dreams were echos of you and my thoughts were consumed by you. Then I found myself staring at you from across the room. You were fine and that hurt the most. You laughed and smiled and I couldn't even do that. You were okay and I wasn't. I wanted to yell and scream at you, wanted to fight but all I could do was raise my voice a little bit before my tears took over. All that pain came crashing back down on me. I trembled, I cried, I was hurting and you held me for a moment before you were gone again. I cried for an hour afterward. I cried the next day. I cried at work and at home. Smiling felt impossible until I heard I could see you again. I thought I had a chance to take back the tears, for us to be friends again, even if it was just friends. Yet just as I'm starting to get excited, rehearsing what to say and jokes to make, you say you wouldn't go if I was there. You tell them that you don't even know why I was invited. You know how hard it is to get excited about a party when being in crowd scares you? I was gonna do better this time and you shut me down before I had a chance. I was waiting for so long. I was waiting for a reason for the pain. I was waiting for a reason to stay and you still shut me out. Now I'll do even better. I'll learn how to get through the pain. I'll learn how to deal without you. I'll show you that I can be okay without you. That's my last expression of my love. I'll move on because you did. I'll make something for you to be proud of. Because I love you, I'll stop trying to love you. 

You Can't Break This

You've made your choice. You didn't even say it to me but I heard it all. I get it so it's whatever. I'll let you go and move on with my life. All this time, I thought that you would change your mind or that you could see that I've changed. I guess I was looking for you to act a little older than you wanna be. I don't need someone who wants to act like a 12-year-old with someone else's heart. I'm not gonna lie, it hurts but I'll find some other way to feel better. I don't want to waste any more time on this fantasy that you could be the person you used to be for me. I'm not going to let you have the satisfaction of ruining me. I can be happy without you and I'm going to be. I hope one day you look back and see that you missed the perfect chance. But I'm not going to wait for you to grow a pair. I'm gonna look great. I'm gonna wear dresses and cute panties. I'm gonna style the hair you wanted me to grow out. Every single thing you gave to me from your shirts to my confidence, I'm gonna make it all mine so there won't be a thing I can thank you for. You'll be just another picture in a box. Watch me turn into a queen before your eyes. Fucking watch me.

A Second Chance

You forgave me that day in the snow, gave me a second chance. Now I'm giving you a second chance. This is your chance, your one chance to say what you need to. I'm giving you one chance to show me just a tiny bit that you care. It could be as simple as greeting me, laughing with me. I know you, so show me in the tiniest way that I shouldn't give up on you. Give me something so I know I should wait or give me a reason why you left. I need something because I can't keep hoping that you'll see these. I want to believe that you'll come back in due time and I think you will but I'm running out of time. I only have 7 months to wait for you. Either tell me to wait, or I'll be gone forever. I can't take back that decision. You have seven months until you lose your chance.

I Hate Wal-Mart

I was walking down the aisles and thinking about months ago. We would talk, I would talk at you. So many memories in a supermarket. So many times I would pull you around and you'd pull me back. So many moments where we would be just a breath apart; I'd look at your lips and contemplate. I always thought I had a little longer to think, to imagine a life with you. I'd always turn away right before we could kiss cause your kisses tasted like pain. I wanted to be yours but.... I was someone else's, I was scared, I didn't know how to take you back. I always figured it would be hard to fall in love with you. I didn't notice I always had been. I was so wrong for years and now I've gone and ruined it. I could've had my happily ever after but I can't see too far ahead. Now I'm in a supermarket thinking about the time we organized books, or played with toys, or talked about housing decor. Jesus, we always did so much in that store. Those could've been dates if I wasn't an idiot. Turns out time is merciless.

At Least Tell Me To Give Up

There are pictures where you hold me like you wouldn't ever let go, pictures where you look at me like I'm your world. I remember those feelings. Your eyes still cause my heart to race. I'm wondering if that will ever come back. I still remember what it felt like to love you. Do you?

The Dumb Way Every Time

I don't love him, but it's nice to be comfortable. I don't love him but it's nice to be stable. I don't love him but I enjoy the idea of my own life. I don't love him but he's here and you aren't. I have no reason to leave because I mean, what more could a girl ask for? And in a way, I guess I love him because he is comfort, stability, easy. He's a responsible choice and because of that, I'd be better off with him. I could have a great life with my own house and car. Bills paid and a nine-to-five that wasn't too awful. That's the smart life. And I love that and I love him in a smart way.

But I love you in a dumb way. I love you in the irrational, heart-tormenting way. I love you in the 'I'd sleep on a pallet on the floor with nothing more than each other and a handful of clothes and be perfectly happy' way. I would be happier struggling along with you. I'd rather make shitty pay with you than get paid 20-per-hour in a nice house. I'd rather have nothing but you than everything. I love you hard, sweet, painful. I love you in more ways than one. I love you a thousand ways and million more. It's that heart-beating rush, that brain-numbing kind. The kind all the love songs talk about. The kind like you're going 150mph in a 60. Like being shot up in the air, like your first plane ride.

And I'd choose you. Every time. I'll give it all up in heartbeat if it means my heart is going to beat for you.

Out of Words and Still Typing

What hasn't already been said? Is there anything left you want me to say? I've put everything here for you to see but you're not even reading. Like writing on the wall, you won't read it till you want to. Now I've given you and chance for you to let me know everything. A simple 'yes' or 'no' and I'll plan based on that. You have a week to tell me, one week to decide weather this will be permanent or not. Either way, I'll be here for as long as it takes. I'll keep shouting into the void. Typing until I can't type anymore. I don't understand what more I can do to show you that I need you. I can't think of any combination of words that I haven't used before. You must get it by now. I'd give up my world for you. I'd make a restart with you if you asked. I don't care what's in my life now, I'd leave it all for you and I have no way to show you because you won't ask. I've told you I love you in a thousand words and in none. I've let you break me, shatter me, ruin me and yet you're still gone. I've given you the control here and yet I'm still left alone. I've told you everything a thousand times and you're still not listening. Yet I'm still here, telling you everything over again and I'll keep doing it. Maybe one day you'll stop doing this to me. Maybe I'm a sucker for the pain. I don't even know anymore.

And it all comes back to the memory of my tears soaking your cotton shirt as you held me.

I Want to Die

You could drive up right now and I'd go with you. I don't care about anything else. All I'd need is some clothes and I'd run with you. I don't even think you know how serious I am. I would do anything for you. Am I making this too easy? Am I supposed to be distant and act like I don't need you? That's not how this works. I hate everything in my life but it's stable. It's all so stable and calm and that's what I've needed for a long time but if you gave me a chance, I'd leave it all behind. I'd rather struggle with you than live comfortably. I'd rather scrape up my knees running with you than keep walking. You don't understand how much I don't want to be here but I have nothing else and no reason to change it. Give me a reason. Come find me, tell me that's you still want to be around me. Tell me I'm not worthless. You're the only one who can save me and I want to save you. Give me something to live for.

When You Feel It All

I'm left empty. I've cried the hardest I could. I'm trying to find the strength to move on after last night. Maybe the strength to just find some joy in the world. Find something that doesn't make me want to run to you. I drew a picture today, but I just wanted you to see it. I played a new game today but I just wanted you to play it with me. I watched my favorite Disney movie but I just wanted to laugh with you. I want to sleep but I'm scared you'll be in my dreams again and if my dreams sound anything like you, I won't be able to hold it together. Honestly I can hardly hold on right now. I want it to be like the movies where I could walk over in the rain and you'd take everything back. I don't even want to walk around because I know I'll wander straight to you. I feel like everything worth living for is living in you.

But I won't let myself break down. I've got to be strong until you come back. I know now that no matter what I do or say, nothing will happen until you let it. I just hope you felt something while I was crying into your chest. I hope you've seen that I am nothing without you.

'Late for a Very Important Date'

The fabric against my face was the first relief I had felt in so long. I know who you got that shirt from, I know what you like about it. It was soft, comfortable, it felt like home. Your arm around me was the first reassurance that it was okay to cry. The smell of you filled me up like I hadn't breathed in years. I was trembling, crying, scared, vulnerable for the first time in so long. I was weak and even though you didn't know what to do, even though you didn't want to be there or to see me, even though it wasn't your problem, even though I was the one to put you there, you held open your arm. You knew that I couldn't handle it, you knew what I was like when I was weak and you knew I needed you. Even though you aren't reading this, you knew that I needed you.

 I didn't get to say what I wanted to, I didn't get to yell and scream at you. I didn't have a chance to be mad because once you walked in through that door and I saw your face for the first time in four months, I was out of anger. Once I saw you, all that pent-up rage, anger, pain, and sadness, it all just melted away. You were okay and that made me okay. You got a haircut. It looked nice. I heard your laugh and it was so nice. For a moment, even when I was trying so hard to be mad, I was okay because you were there. It was like nothing bad had ever happened. When I went to talk to you, I tried to be mad, I really did but your eyes looking at me.... I can't be mad. I spent this whole time being so mad but you made me feel the pain I had been blocking out. You made me feel what I didn't want to. Talking got harder as my words felt like sandpaper trying to escape. I started crying. Not the small tears or the tears that no one can hear. No, I cried with the pain and sadness of a thousand heartbreaks and so many wounds left unhealed. I didn't mean to, I wanted to be strong so you would see I didn't need you. But you know as much as I do that I need you. I need you in my life. Just you, and I'll do anything to have that. If you want me to make a new start, I'll leave my house right now with a box of clothes and make a new start with you. I'll do anything you ask if you'd just come back.

And for a small moment, when I was at my worst and so broken, you held me to your chest so I could cry. For that moment, there was no one else, just you. It was everything I knew it would be and as I cried, I felt at peace because even though everything was falling apart, I could trust that you could hold me together.

When Will It Stop Hurting?

I want to scream at you. I want to yell and cuss till I can't handle it. I want you to see my tears and I want you to feel my pain. But most of all, I just want you. I don't care if you're broken, hurt, different or anything else. Having you would make it all worth it. I have to wonder, how long will I wait for you?

You Can't Sleep Because Someone Was Dreaming Of You

I dreamt of you holding me again. I heard your voice telling me that you were sorry. That you'd never leave me like that. You told me that you just needed some time. Is that what we are now? Is that what we have become? Are we each other's dreams now? I have to settle with my subconscious apologizing for you, and you know what? I accept it for you. I've already forgiven you for this. I've already made amends and now it's just that pause of waiting for you to tell me you mean it. I'm waiting for you to come back. I won't even be mad, I'll act like this never happened. I'll give you whatever you want, I just want you to come back. I want to see you again. The way your beard spirals in that one spot, the ways your blue eyes glint under your glasses, how when you smile, your front teeth poke out a little more. I just want to have you back in whatever way I can. I want something more than this empty pain I've been left with. Just friends? Fine. I don't care how I get you, I just want you and only you. When will this be over?

Listen to the Void

I pray that you can see these. I hope that this will be my one tie to you. When everything else is lost, I pray I can shout these words into the void and have them reach your doorstep. They keep telling me to let go, to move on because you won't come around. You won't be there after my nightmare. Though, if I don't wait, if I turn my back I won't see you if you turn around. If I don't show you I care, how will you know I'm still here? I don't want to give up until I know for sure you won't turn around. I haven't even seen your face in months, haven't heard your voice in months. I still have my memories of your laugh, you're smile, your.... kiss. I remember it all and that's what I hold onto to give you your space. I've been weak the last few days. Texting and calling, even going to your house but to no avail. I know I need to stay strong and stay away so you can miss me. I don't want you to think I'm desperate. I have my own life, I can go a few minutes without thinking about you. But just because I put a band-aid over the wound, doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt. When I'm at work, when I'm alone, you're still there.

What will I have to do to make you see me again?

After All This Time

Walking along the path, looking out at the water and thinking to myself 'What if?'

What if we didn't fall apart?
What if I didn't mess up?
What if we still had hope?
What if, just what if, what I'm feeling is still love?
After all this time?
Would it be love?
I thought I was in love with someone else?
What if?

I looked at you and I knew what I would say would break your heart. It broke mine just thinking about it. It's not impossible. I loved you deep and true, I loved you hard and fast. I loved you in every way possible. I loved you, I love you, even after all this time.

That was last year. Even after all this time.

I hurts to know that anyone I try to love, I'll never love someone like I did you. It hurts to know that I've been looking for you in everyone I meet. I can't undo what I did to you three years ago. I can't fix it.

Now, this year...

After all this time....

I still love you. As deeply as before.

But you don't.

Stop

Every time I want to be happy, every single time I think I can move on, you creep back. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to constantly feel alone, worthless and sad. I want to feel okay again but you're in everything. You're in the songs I listen to, the games I play, the work I do, and in my dreams. You're my pain and I'm tired of hurting but I can't stop. You are consuming my thoughts. Come back.

Help Me

I was there. I was there waiting and you weren't. I came to you, and you weren't there. I stood in front of your house but you weren't even home. Still no answer on your phone but I know you got the message. I've told myself too many times that I know I should just give up. I should just let you go but you want to know something? When someone is 90% of your happy thoughts, when you don't know yourself without someone, when someone is your reason for success, you can't imagine a world without them. You try to find a way without them, you try to find a way to be alone, to love yourself. I've read everything I should do to make me better but I don't want to be like that. I'd rather us argue, us fight, every day than lose you completely. I want something, give me something, anything so I can let go. Give me a note, give me a text, anything that I can hold onto so I can let go. I need you. In my life in some way. When will you come back?

I Wanna Tell You a Story...

About a great night. I arrived a little late, my boyfriend could only find the place so fast. This was gonna be the night of my first party. I got there with a friend but his girlfriend didn't want him to stay. I told my boyfriend I would stay at this party. Gathered around a campfire, we all laughed about the past four years. You were there and as the night got later, I got closer to you. It was such a nice night and it was such a warm fire. You had a sleeping bag for the two of us. They all started drinking and I laughed as they lost it. You stayed by my side, talking to me cause you knew I had issues. You held me close and for that night, I wasn't anybody's property. I wasn't anyone's problem. I was just having fun, and that was a truly great night.

Now here's the kicker, none of that happened. When my boyfriend asked, I left with him and my friend and I never got to stay. I never tasted that beautiful night. I went home that night, alone, and slept in my bed, alone.

I think about that night all the time. Was that the day I decided I would always be someone else's property? Or was that the night you decided I would never be worth it? Human, I can't read your mind. It's going on four months since we last talked and I can't help but obsess over what I could've done. I've gone over every text, every message, every memory. Was this the one where you decided I wasn't going to be yours again? Will I never be yours again? I know I fucked up, I know what I did but I can't take it back. Is it just one of those things where I have to let you go, even when it pains me so much to know that you're gone every day? If your plan is just to cut everything and leave, can you kill me first so I don't have to endure this pain. I've lost my best friend, the only person who would listen and a person I loved so fully that it's hard to imagine a future without you in it. I cherished every second I had with you and I loved every second we were together. Why am I lost to you when I'm right here, pounding at your door for you to let me in again? Please give me something....

What is Wrong With Me

Maybe I'm lying to myself. Maybe I can't do this without him. I want to be strong.

One Last Goodbye

I guess I've been holding on too hard. I guess I just lost. I haven't lost in a long time so I'm not sure how to handle it. I guess I've been missing an idea of you that no longer exists. Though I still think it's dumb what happened, and the words you said, honestly you could've tried to make me feel a little better about it. That was kinda mean, making me leave your house, crying all the way across town. Really, you need some sensitivity training. Your flaws are as human as you are. I had this idea of you for so long that I don't know how to see you now. I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't forgive you the second you asked. I'm weak like that. I've been trying to make a life around you and I guess it's not working. I moved back into town, tried to get an apartment near you and I've been trying to plan my life around your schedule. I give up.

I've been going over all the memories, picking out my favorites and talking about you all the time. I've told everyone our story, beginning to end. My mistakes, yours too, all our moments and our fights. I think my favorite is still the camping trip though I promise I'll keep my mouth shut about somethings, I promised you. Though it was still one of my favorite few days. The campfire and just everyone. Your old truck and I swear she gets prettier with age. I had a rock in my back every night so it was either get closer or go to the other side of the tent. And I was so scared when I thought I heard a bear and got even more scared when you said it was a moose. We stayed an extra night out there because we were all too lazy to pack up.

Then it goes to science class when were separated because of interplanetary jokes. Years later, we'd walk ten miles just to get back that joke. Though it was unsafe, I loved walking that late at night with you, just talking for hours. The first time we did it, we got halfway there and thought we had parked in a tow-away zone and turned back as fast as we could. The stars were so pretty, the tide was going and I told you that I wanted to see high tide one day.

And I know they were part of the reason we don't talk anymore, but I remember what it felt like to kiss you every time, from the first to the last. I think that's what I may miss most but my life is too unstable to trap you with me. I would love to drop everything for you but dropping everything means a lot more now than it did when this began. When this started, I had nothing to lose and I could throw it all, but now I have a crappy life with a crappy job and a broken-down house with loud and annoying roommates. I'd love to drop it all but other people depend on me. I'd lose my room at a house that I help pay for. I'd lose my internet to write you these dumb posts and all for you to probably be in the same place you are now.

I'll be here if you need me.

I just don't know anymore

You said the most beautiful things to me.

You told me I was worth everything.

You said I was worth it.

You believed in change.

I'm waiting for you to believe in me.

Watch Out, the Boogeyman is Cute.

I demand to be felt. Feel what you are without me. Feel the missing space of my lips and remember what it felt like to hold me close. Remember what it felt like to call my name and remember what my skin felt against yours. I am not some bottle to be thrown away. I demand to be felt. In the back of your mind you will feel me. I will make sure of it.

Dust and to Gold

Driving late at night, stars fade under harsh street lights. Hear the engine go, hear it roar against the speed limit. What was it like a year ago? I was in the woods. I was in your car. I was at the movies. I was smiling. Who are you anymore? I've never known you to talk behind someone's back. I've never known you to spread rumors. When I came to terms with everything I had done to you, everything I felt for you, you had changed. You aren't my friend anymore because of a line I gave you three years ago. You looked at me different but you didn't see me different. Then out of nowhere, you changed the lenses, you looked past me like I wasn't worth the time. The only explanation I get is that you changed? That I was too much? Four years and now, nothing. Nothing at all. No voice, no note, not even a hint as to what has happened.

And Now something bigger is happening. Something worse, and I can't talk to you. I don't want to talk to anyone else but I have to find someone else, someone to listen again. A part of me is dying. It hurts, everything hurts and I want to leave. I want to run away into oblivion. See nothing but black darkness of eternal. I'll want to hear you again, so if I call, You're voicemail would probably be nicer. I hope you come to the party.

Yes, It Was You

I loved you. Not the type where it went away or faded, but a type of love so strong that it lit this glorious flame inside of me. I felt I could do anything, I was everything you said I was. But I had never felt so indestructible before, so I made mistakes. I made a great mistake that lead to me losing you. I’ve dated people after you, trying to feel so free again but in truth, the only time I’ve felt alive was when I was in your room, your car, laughing and being what we were before. Now you’ve decided these years weren’t worth it and we aren’t talking. I see parts of you in my life. My friends joke and tell me I’m better off and I’m trying to be. One day, I want to talk to you again and tell you what I’ve been through. I want to call you up again. But I’m starting to understand that I need to learn to be free without you, alive without you. We were best friends, passionate lovers, and everything in between. I love you in such a deep way that it hurts, and I guess that’s the problem, it shouldn’t hurt to love you. It should be easy, but the pain lets me know I have to learn to love before I can love you. I need to love myself, love someone else, just love without you.

Like A Knife

It hurts to see these things, to know that I am gone. I know it for the better, but watching you love another, it still hurts. I don't want to think about it, yet I know I'll have to face it. I don't want to know anything and pretend that it never happened. It still hurts, it's going to hurt. I can't make the pain go away. Hero, I'm glad you found your future girlfriend.

Haven't Had Enough

One taste and I'm thinking that it's the one who got away but I'm too far gone. It's too late for me. I've already made things impossible for myself. Now I'm sitting, wondering, what if?

It's Not Supposed to End Like this

It's not love that I'm feeling, or at least I hope it's not. I can see you in my head and it makes me cry. I don't want to remember you like this. I want to remember you the way we were in the woods. I want to remember our secrets and our hushed voices. I want to remember us that one Christmas morning. I want us to still be together in some sort of way, but that's not how this is gonna end. I'm scared to talk to you, scared you'll yell at me, or worse, you won't. I'm afraid that this was the last straw and I know it's all my fault. I know I can't take any of it back, but I still never lied to you. You were just ready not to trust me. I know what your hearing in your ears, but you're not letting me speak to your heart. I'm not going to lie, I've been crying because I know this is the end. Even as I write this, it's getting harder to see my keyboard. It's been seven years and yet I can't talk to you like I used to. This is what I was talking about, why I said we couldn't be together. Even though you said that you didn't look at me any different after the incident, you were so quick to believe what they said because you had heard it once before. It was two years ago and yet, I was right, you look at me differently. And maybe I deserve that, maybe I deserve to be this mess that I am right now. But you still lied to me. Now you haven't spoken to me in the week. In that week, I've dealt with everyone else. Some listened and heard me out, others fought back. Now there's you and me. I would give anything to call you right now. I'd give anything to hear you laugh, calm me out of my tears, but I know you answer. If I went to your house, would you let me in? Or would you yell at me? Would I even get a goodbye hug? One last time to feel safe in your arms. I never planned any of this. Just one last chance, one last moment, with you, human. Please?