What is this?

I can feel it inside my heart, exploring every crack and wrinkle. I held his hand for so long and while it seemed weird, I couldn't understand why I couldn't bring myself to let go. Something inside me wanted our hands to be joined together for eternity. I didn't want it end yet I knew I had to let go before I did something I would regret. No matter what, I don't think I could handle him flying away. As much as it would be better for me, something inside him is mine. Something inside me is him and oh how I wish he knew how much I've tried to change for him. To become the person that my angel can be happy with. I wanted nothing more than to have him hold me close in sweet eternity now, it seems it's just a privilege to know I'm breathing the same air as him. It's hard to understand but it all makes sense in my head. Can I let him go? No, I don't think that's possible. If he ever left this world, I would chase after him even if he would never be with me, I just want him to know how much I truly feel for him. All that I am, my being, is his. Every breath I exhale, is for him. Every tear I shed and laugh that comes out of my mouth, it's all for the chance to see him. I'll never feel this ever again in my life and I want to make the most of it. I want to hear every word he has to speak. Every pulse in his veins, I live for them all.

Depression, Inspection, Perfection.

Night time brings a sense of deep thought to my head. As I try so hard not to get lost in my mind's inner maze, certain things bring me to become lost. So many things I wish I could take back. So many things that keep me awake at night, just wishing things could be different. I don't want to lose sleep over mistakes. I just want to be cradled softly in the arms of my sleeping angel. I don't want to inspect my life under a microscope, I just want things to make sense. After all my failures, it's become impossible to look past them. While new friends have never even known for me so failure, they soon see how badly my life leaves prints on everyone around me. Should I be thankful that people will remember me? Or should I cry in the thought that one day, I will want to be forgotten? When my insanity finally gets the better of me, will I be perfect? Was the plan outlaid for my life end with me laughing to myself and losing all I felt need to have in my life? I don't pretend to know what my future may hold but with the road I travel, I don't feel like I'll have another option other than insanity. I've changed so much over these past months but I feel as if it was all in vain. Possibly, I will receive the fortune of existing in a world where no one knows my face. Maybe then I'll regain the remaining parts of my head. Till that day I will watch. I will wait.

Oppurtunity

The chance to do something you have wished to do for so long has arisen and what will you do? Will you take advantage, gain the upper hand and do what you have so longed to do? Or will you watch behind curtains, watching those chance just slip by into the night? No matter how much I wish to react, I cannot start without cause. I have been watching, waiting for moments to come and go. Whilst I would love to take the world head on and challenge the ideas of others, I only react because that was how I was made. How I wish you could see my attempts to gain your promise. How I want you to hear my silent pleas for you. Can you hear me at all or am I just that girl you will never hear no matter the date or time? One day, i'll bring myself to take a chance. One day I'll learn how to use this voice of mine. Just please don't let me get carried away....

Burn it All.

All these papers on the ground. Drawings of my inner mind. Places I've been, places I'm afraid to enter, places I remember and some I've forgotten till now. Word written on walls, prayers of those demons. Let those claws embrace me as I set it all to flame. Let those things burn away. I never existed in this realm of insanity. Flying high above any clouds as my mind drifts from reality to darkness. 'Hold me close?' 'Love me for now?' Pretend play games cause nothing is certain. Drift off into perfect insanity. I love the bite of your tainted heart. Don't say a word, just kiss me till I can't breathe and once I'm dead, kiss me till I rot. You kept my world from stabilizing and I always want to live on drifting. Don't let me come back to normal. Send me drifting and don't you dare try to hold my hand. I want to experience what you live everyday. Let my world spin and spin till I get sick but don't stop me there. I want to fly into fire. Don't make promises, don't you dare offer safety, just kiss me and send me deeper into oblivion. I don't want perfect, I don't want sane, I want you and your snake bitten kisses. We won't wait for each other but we'll greet each other with a perfect kiss. You aren't fooled and you know who I am, as I know you. We aren't to be trusted. So lets run around the world and when we meet up again, we'll still know who we are. We don't trust each other with a heart but kisses are to be traded as fare. We don't love each other. Let us keep it that way.

Faith

Never forget. It's hard to do but never let it slip. Whilst I was crying, I sought you out and as insane as it sounds, I'm glad you were there. I know you couldn't understand what I was saying. I know you were confused. Just know that you were there when I really needed you. I know you have a girlfriend but the fact that you held me close and told me I was okay, those seconds I wanted to last a lifetime. We'll never be together but for a few minutes, you cared about me. I never thought that would happen and in a million years I never thought those things would happen but in my time where I couldn't fall any lower, you were there to pull me to my feet. I don't know how but somewhere in your brown eyes, I saw something for me, just me. That little bit of me inside you will keep me going till the end of time. Love, maybe not, but it was strong. No one cared, no one wanted to pick me up but you held me up. After so much I had gone through, you saw me broken. You saw how I came. You saw my pain, and you wanted to fix me. While that's next to impossible, you did manage to restart a dampened fire inside me. Everyday just making it through each day, nothing held for me and now I feel like I can walk high because you walk on this earth too. Just knowing you're alive makes me want to thaw my heart and be my best. Just another human yet you've done so much for me. Maybe my faith should lye with my own kind.

When Snow Falls

Melt me away into the grass and let the flowers bloom in my sleep. Show the sun what to shine on and let sweet memories be made in such a heat. Let those memories last till the end of time and let the day last so much longer. Let the night fall late and disappear early. Then as the nights grow longer, let the heat of sweet love never fade even as frost comes over the sweet grass. Finally, let that love burn hot throughout out the winter when snow falls. Nothing chills the soul more than watching the trees die and the mockingbirds vacate to the south. The hardest times are when one is split into two during the long cold nights. Wait till morning to become one again with your other half. It's so hard to wait when minutes seem like days. Just don't let her melt away into the grass once spring comes. Her heart can only take so much.

Forgotten....

Forget me. Forget what I meant. Forget how we used to play and forget how it felt to be in each other's arms. Forget the promise we made late at night cause what is a promise but a few empty words strung together in a sentence? I want to believe it was truth, wanted to think it would be you and me against the world. Thought nothing could tear us apart cause we were stronger than any brick wall. I thought we could make it though anything. And now where are you? You're in that damned room with that damned girl ready to suck up every last bit of hope you ever had. She's a vampire and she'll suck you dry. Devine nature and yet somehow you can't see that she's a panther ready to feed. She's hurt, full of hate for a world that scorns her so. I hate her. She tears down any wall you make. She tears her way into your chest and carves away at the love in your heart. She'll bring any man to his knees crying and now she's after you. Is it because I'm in love? Is it because I care for someone? Is it because that someone is you? Why is she doing this to me? There's so much of me that wants to storm in there and take her by the neck, ask why she has to mess up my happily ever after? I hate her for what she's done, what she is doing, and what she will you but most of all I hate her cause I might become her. There is so much rage bottled up in my heart just begging for release. So much I just want to let go but so much that I hold back. I'll never be yours and I know that. I'll never be good enough for you, never in my life I be able to be with you. So why is it that I still want to guard you tightly? Why do I still want to love you so? I hate this horrible feeling, feeling of slowly dieing inside wanting to see you. Just out of the corner of my eye or to be in the same room as you, it makes me so happy. Yet somehow I fill with these shakes cause I know you couldn't care less if I'm in that room. I know I'm hardly in your life and that feeling of worthlessness that brings me so low every time. You make me cry yet you bring hope for tomorrow. I love you yet I hate you. I love you but I can't stay in the same room as you. I love you but you're too good for me. I need to learn my place. If only that place could be up in the sky, flying high with you. I love you, my sweet sweet hell bound angel. I love you.... why is it you'll never know?

Cling To the Power of Somthing Greater.

Lost, in a sea of nothing. Everything drowning me yet nothing saving me. I doubt my very being as days turn to weeks turn to months. Time is passing me by as I try to work through everything. Taking time to work out plans. I will join the holy angels. I will become without sin because I know that my prize will be an angel so perfect. I fight for him yet he causes my pain. I worship him yet he doesn't even know what I'm doing. I won't tell him yet. I have to gain back his trust in me. I have banished the devil from my life. My encounters with him are short and nothing ever causes me to lose sight of my path. I will join my angel. I know how he feels about me. I know he could hardly care less about me but I'll fix that. I'll be an angel like him. I'll be like him. Things will change. I won't settle for anyone else. I am on a path, a path strait to my angel's front door. He'll see me. He'll finally see me.

To Love and Loss

Beautiful, that's what she was. As close to perfection that a human could get. She seemed as if she walked on glitter. Every move she made, I followed close behind. Finally, I asked for her hand. To dance in the dramatic ball of mine. As drama filled as it was, I was surprised to hear her say yes. Thus we danced to our own song. Every step in rhythmic time. Her bright smile kept me dancing through the days. But as she was Cinderella, her mother had some opinions on how her dear daughter should run her life. I was not about to step in the way but I couldn't help but feel my heart break. Another crack before a shatter. One week of our dance. We had known each other two years and we danced for one week. One week and we never saw each other once in that week. One week and I had only had a phone call. Yet somehow, I felt that we couldn't be closer. I felt as if she was there holding my hand when I doubted myself. She was with me, next to me, all the time and yet she was never there. It wasn't much of a relationship yet it meant so much to me, if not the both of us. To be torn apart by an outsider who couldn't grasp the type of love we had, it hurt. It still hurts. it burns my heart. I will miss her.

A love so easy to lose.

The start of the weekend mark an unexpected greeting. An Angel unlike any other, comes into my life. For such a brief weekend, I was in the arms of an angel. His wings around me and protecting me. Everything anyone could want in a man, is here, cradling me in his arms. He swears to protect me and swears that he's there for me. Unfortunately, the devil, with such a relative power, cannot let one of his own escape to salvation. I let tears flow as a phone call tells me it really is over. Something that never was, ended without a trace of the past. A long week ahead, I try my best to keep my wits about myself. A long week of trying so hard to figure out why my angel has deserted me so. Finally, the answer comes to me in my darkest hour. As things fall into chaos, I start to realize that my angel, he is truly psychic because he saw, before it even happened, that I was a tainted soul. My angel saw that I could never be saved. Now I lye here, everything in pain as I try to work through these past events. I know I will never be redeemed for my sins but one last crusade won't harm much. And this crusade will stop the devil and break his hold on me. He will pay for his crimes against me.

Bloody Murder You Can't Stop Loving

Lock away those dirty thoughts you naughty girl. Even in the dead of night, devils still wish to come out and dance. Tormenting those caught in their web. The heat of ecstasy embracing your every moving body part. As your pulse picks up, all logic ceases and the brain goes numb. Nothing makes sense and you don't know why you want this so. It's so hard to hold back what you really want to say. You try to stay the little girl from before but you want to badly to become the woman who speaks her mind. One simple word and it's all over. One simple word and it never happened. One simple word, one little word with so much power. You want so badly to stop. Stop and curl up in a ball. Try and cope with what has just happened. But here you are and you want to whisper for more. You want to beg for this devil to keep you in his arms. You beg for him. You beg for the Devil to embrace you with the voice of an angel.

Torn Apart, Taped back

Words. Words that tore me apart. Took all that I knew away from me and left me lying in the dust. Words that released my tears and left me speechless. Words meant to bring me back. Words that pushed me back toward nowhere. Words that broke me away. Now that hands of a devil in angels clothing have tormented me so, I fear I could never go back. I broke down and cried. I broke down and let my tears form a river for me to drown in. He opened his arms and held me close. He fooled me with a perfect smile. As night grew and shadows danced, he pulled me close. He brought flame to a burnt out candle. He made me feel like I was saved, like my heart could be mended. I wanted him there. I tried my best to keep him there. I did things I never would have done just to make him hold me a tad longer. I just wanted the empty part in my heart to be filled as quickly as possible. When Morning woke, it was as if I wasn't there as he brought another girl to her knees. Another girl that needed her heart glued back together. As I laid there and watched. As I pretended not to care. I should have guessed. I should have known. An angel won't come from a devil from the past.

Bring Him Along

Finally, a life completely up to chance. A life that is really mine. The dark sky full of rain can't even bring me down. Let us go play in it, I say. I'm no longer a prisoner of my own mind. I'm not afraid of telling the truth and I'm not afraid to be blunt. I don't care if it's all wrong, cause tonight's the night I finally shut reality off and live in my word. Nothing bad can touch me and nothing bad can happen. Nothing is gonna bring me down. So go on ahead and tell me what to do cause I won't say No. I won't keep bottled up inside myself. I'm going to go out there and do what I want cause it's my world now. You can't hurt me anymore...

Faces

I see him in my mind and nothing rustles but I small hope I have. All I want is to repeat a night so grand. I never want to leave such a thing to the vicious memory cycle. So bring me again to your side. Stay silent and don't make any promises. We don't ever need to do this again. Let me breathe you in. I won't tell anyone. I won't bring it up. So let there be a night, just like that one. Let everything go. Everything will stay under the shadow of night. After that, go to your girl. Let her take you in. Let her embrace you tightly. She truly loves you. She'll never know and you'll never tell. She'll treat you perfectly. I'll never come close to her.

Each Breath

Breath on a cold night, you see it dissolve into the air. Sitting on a ledge, you wonder what it could be to jump from so high and see if you can fly. Lighting the fire, you want to touch the flame to test your life. It's nothing to wonder if you really are alive. But things go to far. Things get out of hand. One thought could turn into a lifetime of pure regret. I don't want to be that girl in the corner, watching you wondering if it meant anything. I don't want to lie awake, wondering what happened. Here I am, wondering what happened. Wondering if it meant anything. Should I be attached to that past? Should I cherish that memory? Either way, I let it float away with the coming of morning. I won't be that girl. I won't let it hurt me. Clouds drift by and letting that go is still ripping me apart. I don't dare cry, I won't let myself be so weak. I want to erase such a thing but I want to keep it close to my heart. But it meant nothing, it was nothing. Better off just letting myself go. Better off just falling to fly. Because it wasn't really a one night stand. Because it was nothing, because it didn't happen. Breath in, breath out. Fog your mind.

My Little Sister.

It's hard to believe it's been so long since I last thought of you.It's been so long since everything. Your birth, our bothers' births, Michel's death. So much has changed since then, but I'm sure you're watching closely. Your father, Ken, won't talk to Me and Mom anymore but I'm sure he remembers his babies. He's living happy with someone more like him and I hope it works out. Mom and I are living from paycheck to paycheck right now but things will get easier as time goes on. I'm glad you didn't have to meet her last boyfriend, Arthur. He wasn't very nice but I'm sure he was just stressed. I hope him and his daughter are happy without us there. Mom has a new boyfriend and he's nice. His name is Stephen. He isn't like the others and mom really likes him. He is living with us for about a week or so and mom is enjoying all the time together. I have a boyfriend too and we've been together for just over 2 years now and his name is Jamie. I'm sure he would have loved you. Me and him are really close and he is the only one really keeping me sane. Things are looking up and everyday is bright. It's summer time and everything is really pretty out. I've been having fun with all my friends and their drama. High school is really fun and next year I'll be a sophomore. Bartlett is really fun. I want you to know that I really miss you and I wish you were here. I'm sure you would have lots of friends in elementary school and I'd help you with your spelling words if you needed help. No matter how much time passes, promise you'll wait for your older sister? I'll be looking for you and so will mom. We love you so much and I miss you so much.
I Love you Serenity, I always will. Your the sister that I always wanted and hoped for. I'll never forget you. Love forever and always, your big sister, Kyrie.

Change-

The need for the recreation of me is almost suffocating. I can't pretend I don't hear the constant cry for a new life. I love my life now but change is so unpredictable, you can't control when you might feel this way. I feel no imperfections in my skin and I feel no blood running in my current life but something tells me that an alter-ego would show me something quite beneficial. I don't consider myself to have multiple personalities but there is a time in everyones life when change seems like a good way to go, but the ever constant need to protect the life you had pushes you to reinvent yourself. Weather it be for at home in your room, online, or out in the world. Once the alter-ego is created, it can become a split personality but you would know about it. Name it, control it, and over-all, give it life. So go on and wear those clothes you couldn't walk out of your house with. Put on tons of make-up, wear the too short skirt, put up the hair and make it all your own. Be who you want to be at this moment because there is only today. Don't waste it fearing.

A letter to Karma.

It's true that there are things I hide. It's true that I cry. There are times when I feel worthless, times when facing another day seems so impossible. I try so hard to go through the day, hoping for a miracle. Hoping that my life will get just that much brighter. I hope that the shooting star I wish on will do me a favor. I hope for a day when I don't doubt myself. Minutes turn into hours. Hours into days. Days to months. Months into another year. Still, even after so much time, I never give up hope because I don't want to let go of something so familiar to me. I try so hard not to cry because that just means that another miracle can't come true because I'm spending too much time drying my tears instead of looking for something to be happy about. So why am I so happy all the time? Why am I so against fighting? Why am I trying to fix every one's problems? Because maybe, just maybe, after all this helping and caring, karma will stop being such a bitch and give me a miracle. -2006
Thank you karma for giving me my miracle. I'll take care of his heart for as long as I live.

A love so sweet it gives me cavities.

A love that I cannot be without. Something that stops my heart at a glance and a heart attack every kiss. No matter how long someone is together, the beauty of that kind of fulfillment never ceases to amaze. In a world where true love is so hard to come by, it's nice to see people that have been together for 40+ years. Watch them and you'll see that true love isn't just a feeling. True love expressed so many years later. To find the old self and beauty in the new face, it takes power beyond god-like. It takes the power of the heart. Seeing every side of a person, tears, smiles, and pain, and still wanting to solve every problem. Arguments never turning into fights and fights never lasting long. Going through each day knowing that you have someone who cares that much. It's not just holding hands, it's a job and if you really love them, it's a job that comes without effort. It all that we need to live. My love, something I wanted for so long, is perfect and I hope it never ends. My love, so sweet it gives me cavities.

Remind me why I love you so....

So many faces, so many words. Scared and alone. It causes people to do stupid things. I never ment for any harm to come to anyone and the one person hurt was me. So I fixed the change, took it upon myself to voice my view. So when I saw his face, I remembered why I loved him so. His kisses that hold my very being. That day, he was there right when i needed him and I know I'm never really alone. I won't lose him because of my problems and I refuse to lose him because I was being stupid. I won't lose him. I won't endure that pain again. Forever I will love him. Forever until the end of time. I will not lose him. He makes me smile like the sun. Dancing around and forgetting how to breath. Tis true, love has taken my heart and I hope it never lets go.

Something, Nothing, Everything

Essence of love, it's nothing to be compared. We try and try to define the untiring, eternal perfection that awakens even the most concealed people from their deep slumber. It's a the chance to live your live as it was meant to be. A chance to turn everything around. When we don't have the power to pick ourselves up, there is someone there to hold us close as we get up. Nothing is anything without a reason for it to be here. The ultimate reason is simply love. It's the reason they hold hands, the reason we kiss, the reason we all could just look into the other's eyes and stay that way. Sleeping under the night air, make-out sessions at dawn, and those ever-lasting words "I love you" are all reasons to live. Look for the love in life, the rainbow in the storm, and the joy in all the pain. Look for something in live to make everything worth living for or else there is nothing to live for. Don't be afraid, it's all there, just look.

Everything he has done for me.

It's hard to explain the love I have for him. The only way I could really put, with any amount of truth, would be a sign that there may be a being looking after me. I felt so alone before we met and even after we became friends, I was still stuck in a soul-crushing spiral of my love for my princess. He asked me out and I hesitantly said yes. I figure that was the only sane moment in that part of my life. He has done nothing but let me see outside these blood-covered walls. He opened my eyes past the world filled with my princess. At first, I hated him for doing such a thing to me but now I see how much better it has made my life. I am no longer afraid of the things that lay outside my door. I no longer feel a deep gash in my heart. He has healed me more than she ever could. If only I could have seen this sooner. She still holds a special place in my heart but he owns the rest of my heart. He know my whole world, my problems and my pains, and yet he never hesitates to say "I love you". Everything he has made my life, everything he has made me, is a work of art. He wants me to fly the skies I never knew before. he wants me to live my life and I hope to live everyday of that life with him. I can't imagine what my life would be like without him and everyday, I gaze into his ever-changing eyes and it reminds me of how privileged it is to be with someone so great. I love him, forever.

Lovers day again

Just last year, I was giving her choclate covered strawberries. Just last year, i was spending the day talking to her. Listening to her every word. Just last year, I had her. She was mine. Now, she's gone. She left. She's not comming back. I wish I could still be there for her. I wish I had tried to get into her high school. I wish I tried harder to keep her with me. Time change so fast, you barely have time to say goodbye.
Goodbye Neoin Hinamori,
I'm still here, waiting.

Horrible Pain

I've done something, something horrible. I know it was for the best but it hurts. It hurts more than any other choice I have ever made. I gave up the one I love. i wish i hadn't, I wish I could take it back but I know it wouldn't be right. He needs to live without me. He needs to let go of me because I won't be there. I can't take back all the pain but I can try and end it. When he realises that I was right, he will smile in my memory and move on with someone so much better. I just wish I could be the person he needs. I wish I could be the person to make his life better. I want to be the band aid over the cut, not the knife that started the whole mess.

Midnight moonlight

This world of mine is ever so small. The is nothing that can make me forget the things I have done. The promises I've broken, the pain I have put myself through. I am far from perfect and it shows in my past. I am just a scared girl. I have never done anything brave. Many times I have wanted to run away, run from everything but I never had anywhere to go. Everything has gone by in my life and I look back noticing how I never did anything to change my own future. I have never stepped forward in my life and claimed something for myself. I have never tried anything new and I feel the pain today. Just looking back, I never had the nerves to do much but when I did something, I was proud that I did. Things from years ago still bring joy to my life. Things that I never thought would matter, those are the things that have remained the same even through the harsh time. Bringing myself to admit my mistakes and asking for more than just a simple 'hi' in the morning. My best friend was from an apology after a wrong doing. My love came from telling him to sit next to me. Small times like that have helped me even three years later. I know nothing seems to matter right now but at I look back, It's true what they say. Live, Laugh, and love like you never have. It's those small moments that make a life so much better.

Never ending death

he holds my hand and I can feel my heart stop. When I see his smile, I find myself smiling too. He has done everything for me yet I have kept his life on a string. It kills me that he might leave. I kills me to know that I only have a few short years left with my sweet. It kills me to see him without me holding his hand. Everything about him murders me yet that is why I love him so. I love him for the reality he gives my life and for the uncertanty he gives me. He is everything in my life and the knife that cuts it apart.