Dreamers Dream of Dreams.

As if from a dream from long ago, I know this tune. In my mind, I'm dancing with someone I don't even know. I dream up a world all my own where no one can touch me. The bells chime and I know I'm home. These places I go, you'll never know much more of their beauty than what I tell but you can't just describe something like that. You can't paint with your words, just hope the masses know the image. The darkness sets and I'm already gone. You see and hear me yet I'll never be that close to reality again. I've learned from my mistakes that you cannot be too close to the fire without getting burned. So I'll float away in the darkness for a place that's warm, not too hot or cold. I'll dream of all my love taking flight. All the places I go and it's a pity you'll never see them. So a bid you good day and I'll set off now. My friends will think I'm just tired and the people who really care will know I don't want to be touched. I can be happy, I just have to let go. Is that so hard to ask? Please don't question me when I ask you to leave. I'll be going back soon and I don't want anyone to keep me tied down. So I'm keep the glow of all my memories on my heart and I'll float away.

Anything But.

I hardly doubt these stories I hear. I know she's mad. I know he's sad. I know so many things but what do you want me to do? How can I help? Everything I do seems to be wrong. Go have fun. Don't do that. You're having fun wrong. Every single time. Is it so hard to ask that for once I have fun without people on my case? What did I do to deserve this? I've been nothing if not the best I can be for all my friends and you expect me to be perfect? So I don't seem like I'm listening? Why don't you take into consideration that if I can't help, I feel uncomfortable so I try to look around. I'm not good at fixing things so will you stop asking me what you should do? If all you ever give me is stupid metaphors for how to break up with my prince. I try to help, I really do but I don't have any answers you want. So for goodness sake's, just let me be happy. I want to enjoy my life but all these people want be to stop and deal with their drama. It's okay for her to kiss another guy but I can't spend time with my ex-girlfriend? It's okay for them to get wasted but if I fall asleep when I'm tired, I get yelled at. What if I'm done? What if I don't want to deal with all this stress. Everyone has said it before, I'm awesome at making friends so who says that I can't replace all my friends? Nothing is saying I can't just drop all my friends but I stay just so I might one day be able to help with their messed up lives. I've dealt with more than I should have had to deal with. Normal friends shouldn't treat their friend like baggage that's too heavy. Why am I the only one who wants to stand up, throw my hands up and do what I want when I want? Why can't anyone seem to want to draw a line? I'm done with all of this and next time you wonder why I'm gone, I want you to look in the mirror and think of anything you've promised me. Then think about what happened right after that. I'm done waiting for you to try and make it up to me.

Again and Again

It may be all a broken record player. Last time I had a sweet angel to protect me. I need someone here for me to protect me. I need a prince or some element of chaos. I am lost and alone. This may be the end.

Color in a Dark World

As I stand in front of my mirror, I see all I've done to become who I am now. I used to only dress in dark colors. Jeans and a baggy shirt with a dirty hoodie. I had only one friend through that faze of my life. She saw me as someone who needed someone and I saw her as a saving grace. She stayed with me up till I found someone who looked past my looks. On the outside, I looked like someone who wanted to go crawl in a hole. Like I had no purpose. My prince, he was the first person to see the colorful and happy girl I was inside. He showed me a world where no one could hurt me anymore. I needed that. For so long, I was just a target. He made me see the sun light. Made me take in all the colors of the rainbow. He took me in and repaired me. That was something I had always wanted. He gave me hope. Now days, I look at all the colors I dress in and I see how much I've changed. I hold my head high now. All because my prince rode in on his horse and saved me from myself. Back then, I hated going outside, hated people. Now I thrive on everyone I know. He brought me all these new friends. He got me to reach out, not to be scared. He was there when I was scared and there when I wanted to try again. Now I'm on my own and things are getting scary. I don't know what I'm going to do with this life he gave me. He gave me the rainbow and I drank it in. I miss him. Back then, I couldn't let go of his arm and now I can explore but somewhere along the way, I let go of his hand for too long and thought I could stand on my own. It doesn't work like that. It never did. I still need him there but because of how stupid I can be, I made a mistake. I ran away from the hand that has kept me safe all those years. Now I have to deal with it. Why can't I see what's right in front of me? Why can't I understand that he can't always be there. I still need him here to keep me safe. I'm scared and as I look in the mirror, I wonder who I've become. Without him, I'm nothing.

What Was Once There.

There was a time before I was born that my mother was so in love with my father. There was a time before I was born that they were perfect together. All that has changed now. It's like a distant dream to her and I can hardly remember their marriage. I don't remember much from when I was little but I remember the fights. I remember my dad leaving and I remember my mom leaving. I remember the year I spent without her. Everyone told me she was never coming back, that she had left for good. One long day, I came home ready to cry and I remember my mom standing there. I remember her telling me we wouldn't be apart anymore. I remember finally seeing my only mommy again and how happy I was. Since that day, I've grown up so much. She's been telling me more and more about the times I didn't know of before I was born. She's taught me how to get through life and now she's teaching me how to piece together my heart after I was the one who broke it. This lesson will take forever to learn but I know that if she just stays to talk, I can get through this. She knows I'm still in love with my prince, she knows about everything in my life. Now I think back to when she was still in love with my dad, how fast it went downhill. She's telling me what to do, how to be the best person I can be. She's there and I know that.

If Memories Could Kill....

My mind is playing clips from the past, letting me know how idiotic I can be. All those missed moments. Everything I could have done in that time. All the time I could have been with the right people. I wish my prince was here. I wish he could hold me, tell me that the memories can't hurt me here. He would make sure I wouldn't cry in his arms. If I said I loved him, I would be wrong. This love will never leave me, never even try and diminish. I did this, I ruined it and I can't even remember why. I wish I could remember but all I have are these fake letters. Everything I say is worth nothing. I wish I could be more, fix myself but the only time I feel whole is when he whispers how much he still loves me after all I've put him through. But I'm watching these memories flash by as if it was all a distant dream. I can't live like this. I want to pretend that I'll be okay but I know the truth and so do most. My only wish is that he thinks I'm still strong. I hope he thinks that this isn't effecting me. I hope he doesn't learn the truth. I don't want to feel the pain I feel right now knowing that I can't fix this. My sweet prince, if only I could rewind time. All the love I could know is put onto him. All my being. I miss him. I love him. My prince.

Lost Memories

If you fall in love over candy, is it sweet? I once fell in love over candy and it tasted sweet. I always did love the taste of something I had always wished for. He was my prince. So sweet I got a cavity drilled right into my confidence. No matter what he did, I always did doubt myself. It was no one's fault, just my insecurities playing in my head. What was my fault was what I decided to do to try and fix it. I broke his heart over and over again thinking it would be better apart. Well I'm almost always wrong. Every time, I knew I would never be whole without him. Then one day he drew a line and told me we couldn't keep doing this. I had one last chance to prove everything I could be, that I could change. Well I certainly did a bang up job of that. One moment, I'm trying to make it work and the next I'm crying alone. I wish I knew what happened but I don't even remember. So now I'm alone. I wish I knew why but I don't remember. Everyday and night, I run my fingers over the memories, tracing them back through the days. I want to cry but I'm stronger than that.

Introduction to Chaos

That's it. Gone for so long and still more time left till he comes back home. He'll be a changed man but I plan to change just as much. That damned angel stole my heart but I'm taking it back now. I'm starting this over with the rules clearly posted. I'll play his game but I won't lose. Now I've gone and found perfect chaos. As my prince leaves as instructed, chaos finds me in the darkest nights. First one random conversation and now, everyday, I hear his call. Always talking. He wants to know more, wants to listen yet wants to speak. Chaos has gripped my life but I know how to break free. As illusive as a ghost, this chaos will appear onto me and only me. Our souls playing chess, seeing who can win. Chaos in the form of a human. He'll play this game too. Now the game is set and it's his turn. What's his first move? I'm prepared. My prince, I'll watch him move on and hold my tongue cause he's got to keep forward. I'll always love him and that will be forever the baggage he carries. A little part of me inside his soul and he'll always know that under this sky, I'm watching out for him cause I'll always love him. As he walks slowly away from this train wreck, I'll be picking myself off and prepare for flight. Heaven or Hell, I'll fly off to where ever. This chaos is the first step.

The Problems of a Lost Dreamer

Our problem was more of my problem. Our pains were my fault. I've taken time to understand that I'm the one breaking us apart. I know I'm the problem. This lost soul in a sea of harsh faces. I'm not really ready to face it alone but I have to try sometime. When one person become to source of all the pain, you should just leave them alone to sort out their own life. I wasn't one to start setting all the examples. Hardly the one to put the bar up so high if I can't even touch it. Hard to say I'll be all right but I think the way the world turns is enough to keep me rolling through. I keep looking back when I'm free. I keep seeing all those smiles all those days ago. I remember how it felt to be loved and to feel like everything belonged. When we are together, I keep looking forward cause I can't see a future without pain. We don't belong together. I was just a filler for the time passing. You thought I was the one for you but I knew it couldn't be true. I knew my time would come. Well I've taken this as far as I could reach but we just weren't meant to be. I know I'll cry for you. I've fought for you and held on for you. Pasted on a smile for you and given up for you. I've been there all that I can but you have to stand on your own two feet. I can't help you. I can't even dream to solve everything you want me to. I'm never gonna fill in that hole in your heart. Someday, someone else will love you for who you are. They'll fill that hole and take you home. They can give you what you want. So I'll become a butterfly. You'll still see me but I don't think we'll talk all that much. She'll be your number one and I'll be happy for you. I tried as hard as I could to mold myself into someone good for you but every time, I end up back in my old shape. I can't change who I am and how I act. I can't help you anymore. I know you still want me to lie and say that we will be perfect together. You want to believe in 'Happy Ever After' no matter what. I'm sorry but your fairy tale doesn't start with a prince and princess but it will end with one. Just let me fly away to be with the butterflies cause I'm a dreamer lost in my dream. I'll never be all that you want of me. I'll still be a dreamer. I'll always be the same. Can't you see the only reason we came this far was for you to let go of me. I'm a butterfly. I want land. I love you but you have to let me go.

Not Me.

Somtimes it feels like I lost myself along the way. Feels like I can hardly take another day. Yet all you have given me makes me face everyday no matter what I want to feel. Me and you, we've had our history. Every summer day, every winter night, just dreaming to be in your arms again. I wanted you, I wished for you, then I got you. All my friends say you're not my type, tell me I could do better and I will admit that I have considered it once or twice but then I see that smile light up when you see me and I want you to forever, smile at me. When we're apart, people get ideas in my head and I start to question what I've done for you. I've never been the best, pretty close to the worst. I somtimes lie about how I feel and I hide myself away. I want things to be the way they were. Summer days hardly able to hold each other's hand cause we might blush. We talked about everything without even kissing once. I was proud of that. Proud to say that we liked eachother for our qualities, not our looks. Now days, it's all we ever do. We might talk a little between the kisses. If I'm lucky, I won't get trapped by you. You used to be such a perfect boyfriend. You were perfect but now, you're like them. It's like you don't even care about me. Like 'Love' is just another word to keep me kissing. You stop when I tell you and I respect that but the problem is that we can't talk if we're not kissing. We can't hold conversations without you trying to be the prince and kiss your princess. If you wanted to convuse me, good job cause I can't tell weather I love you or love the old you. My heart still wants to believe that there's still a bit of that boy left in you but my brain is telling me it's all gone. And so far, you havn't proven me wrong. Our 'love' is no more than a game of how far we'll get before I say "Stop". When I want to leave, you sit there and give me eyes that claim you're more than your actions. I fall for the same look everytime, making me feel like the bad guy. Well I'm not. I'm gonna listen to what feels right and until you prove you're better than that, I don't want to feel like crap cause you think you need me. You've made it without me and you can do it again. I don't care if you don't think you were really living cause you didn't have me. If you wanna keep me, you need to proove it cause this time, if I leave, I leave because of you.

A New Day

The maze of our heart never solved. The explanation of the world never over. Never satisfied with today's results. Yet impossible, dreams offer insight to the world outside these limitations. Stop talking, start listening. Hear what they say. Hear what they scream. Hear this world. Once the world becomes silent, the power behind a baby's smile is clear. The force that drives the flower to bloom is astounding. Wrapped up in words always spoken, you can't understand what you miss. Shut your mouth and open your eyes. It's not hard. You've never been the one to be quiet, always speaking your mind. You've never second guessed yourself and you go with whatever feels right. Now it's time for you to slow down and listen to your dreams. Hear the cry of the baby and know what she wants. Listen to her breath as she sleeps. Take care of her. Shield her for as long as you can from the cruel outside world. She is yours to teach, to take, to defend. Inside her smile lies the key to the very existence of life. She is more than you will know. In her presence, you are inferior. Don't hold her to your standards, hold her higher. Teach her what it means to love, to lose. She will be everything the world needs. She is Yours. You are me. She is mine. This baby girl will bring the world to peace. She will be someone great but she has to learn from you. Her first teacher will be your smile. Let her explore. Let her grow. Let her be who she was always meant to be. Perfection, power, and love.

Envy

"You never know how much you love someone until you watch them love someone else." For all this time, it is easy to think everything is fine and over. It's easy to get lost in a dream land but then that moment comes when you watch yours love another. That's when the heart starts to fall apart. All those imaginary walls crashed down to reveal what's really happening. Remembering those times where you were under their arm, fingers intertwined, talking about everything. Now that's gone and there's no taking it back. No time machine, no reset button, just today's pain. Never take what you have now for granted because today's smile could become tomorrow's tear.

Let Me Burn

If I screamed your name into the stars, would you feel me calling for you? Sweet days replay in my head of days better past. People, everyone expects me to grow up but I loved being your little girl. You can't see the tears I cry when you're with her. You don't know how much it hurts to see you holding her like you held me. I didn't know what I had until it was gone. Everything I said, I didn't want you to. Without your grip on me, I feel the tears streak down my face. My pillow is drenched with sadness. You won't forgive me, you've let go. You've moved on while I'm still pretending. I still want to be your girl. I still want you to hold me close. I want to be loved by you and no one else.