A Morning Snow

It's early morning and it's been raining for days. Streets are cold and the wind cuts your face. I was out walking because that was the only thing that made sense to me. Just kept walking until it started not to hurt. Wandering for hours and I found myself at a door I had walked through many times before. A door that had always opened to greet me in the warmest of ways. Now it was early in the morning and I know no one behind that door is awake but there is one person I want to see. I walk across the darkness and open the bedroom door. He's asleep and for some reason, all I care about at that moment is touching his skin. For some reason all I can think about is his voice saying my name. Without even thinking, I'm crawling into his bed while he sleeps. My hair is still wet, my skin is still icy and yet, I just want to touch him. He doesn't wake right away but his arms pull around me as he sleeps. My problems are gone, my worries are melted and it's just me looking at him. It's just us as a fall asleep in his embrace.

I'm Done

The bed will be empty. The house will be quiet. There will be no 'I love you's or 'Stay home today's because it'll be just me. There won't be anyone to come home to and there will be no future marriage promises. I'll be alone in that house and I'll be happy. I'm building it by myself. My posters will be on the wall and that'll be my shower curtain that I picked out myself. I'll make my own life without you. It'll hurt at first but I don't need someone who constantly tears me down. I don't need someone who thinks my only worth is with them. This is my life dammit. Don't even try to keep me because I'm done with the bullshit you've put me through.

I Don't Want To Wake

My hands in jet black hair, soft lips kissing me, callin me beautiful. There's the playful banter and there's the way I see those blue eyes lookin at me. It's the way he says my name or the way he always answers me. Makes me feel like I can't fail, that things will be okay. I'm changing now because I know I can or at least, he knows I can. That's all I need. That's all I've ever needed is someone to believe in me when I don't have the strength to go forward. Someone to pull me back up after I've fallen apart. Finally, someone to open my eyes for me. Someone to help me fix it all and all he asks in return, is a smile when it's better. All he wants is company. Nothing demanded from me, nothing expected from me, just wanting to be there when I'm better.

What a beautiful dream to have.

Back Me Up

Taste the sweet love as it pours into your soul. We are not defined by the love we live for. I'm sitting in a corner crying. It hurts to know I'm not for him. It hurts to know I wasn't worth the time anymore. I was sitting in corner crying and he walked up. I've been sad for so long about him. He picked me up. What was the point of all this pain? He held me close, breathing new air into me. He made me see where I've been. How things have been changing while I was gone. He held my hand and walked through all the things that changed while I was sad. He showed me a map of where I needed to go from there; how to change the hell I had fallen in. Now I'm working to get out of this pain. Now I'm building something and when I start to fall, when the pain starts to come back, he stands behind me, whispering "This isn't the end," Now I'm going to live.

What I Needed

I needed a reason to leave this life I've settled for. I finally found it. There's no point missing someone who doesn't love you back or trying to go back to someone who hasn't even opened their arms for you. There's no point being sad about things that you can't change. Unfortunately, you have to feel that pain in full. You can't ignore it and you can't run away from it. The pain follows you and it demands to be paid in full. But oh god, once you feel it all and you can move on, that sun has never felt so good. The wind smells better, the rain feels clean and every one of your senses is back at full. Your favorite food tastes better than you remember it. Your clothes feel softer. In full, this is what living is for. When you can look out on a dark a gloomy night and feel at peace, that's when it's over. You don't have to hurt anymore and life without that pain, no matter for how short of a time, is worth every second. Nothing will beat just knowing your alive and enjoying it. And while being alive may suck 95% of the time, that other 5% is worth everything. It's worth everything to feel alive again.

Shhhh..... It's Still Too Loud

It's not worth it. I'm gonna talk myself down now because it's not worth ruining everything early. It's not worth the pain, the tears or the plans. It's not worth my plans. Yet it's worth a little bit of my heart. It's worth some time and some of my smile. It's worth a little warmth and some kind words. I'm moving on now and finding something new to live for. I'm drawing again and can walk a few blocks without thinking about it. I'm not thinking about his smile every moment anymore. I haven't thought about him in a day and a half. I'm not dressing up for him. In the far back of my mind, I'm pushing thoughts of him away. I don't want to see his car or his favorite color. I don't want to know how he takes his coffee or the numbers to his phone number. I'm trying to forget how his hands felt in my hair and the way he speaks. It's like ripping off a band-aid on a new burn. Every breath of air makes me want to scream and I'm panicking that I don't have him to hold onto in public. I'm trying to stop myself from wanting him anymore because he's already over me.

-Unrelated Note-

I want to tell him to run, tell him that I'm not worth anything. I want him to run away from me yet I keep pulling back. I keep going back. I want to laugh like this forever and I want to see that smile every day. Maybe I don't need my human to tell me to move on. Maybe I don't need someone else to take control of my life. I can do this. I can take my life into my own hands. With the promise that one day, I'll be someone better.

'I Just Don't Want To Talk'

I've been sleeping alone. My feelings don't seem to matter. No one really cares about what I have to say. But there was you. At one time, there was you. At one time, back in a memory, you would take away the pain. At a midnight under the stars, I fell in love with the way you breathe. In a crowd of a thousand, I fell in love with your laugh. In a drowsy morning, I fell in love with your steps. That small spiral on your face, the way your glasses tilted, how your shirt hung from you, I fell in love. I took in the air from your lungs like watercolors dripping down a painting. You stained me in deep shades of blue and painted my world in white bright. The snow fell around us in every season. Forever a blizzard in our world. Dark nights were our dates, an old truck was our restaurant, and we were happy in a fairy-tale for two.

You closed the storybook.

Rewind to When You Cared

I wish none of this had to happen. I wish after days like these, you would still be there to calm me down and to tell me what to do. I wish that after crying at work, I could still call you and have you talk me down. I wish we could still go out at night and forget our problems because I need that right now. I need someone and I know that someone can't be you. Unfortunately, there seems to be no one else who could be you. After today, I just want to listen to the music in your car. I feel broken, lost and hopeless. I feel like I need you but I have to learn to get through these days now. If only the you I loved was still around, I miss him. You're not who I need because you aren't the one who cares anymore.

Smiles Can Kill

You were waiting for me to give you an answer. You were waiting for a reason for the pain, for the longing. You were waiting for a reason to stay and you didn't get one. So you closed off yourself. You shut me out and you went cold. I cried, over and over for many reasons. I needed you because you were the only one who listened. I needed you because you were the only one who cared. You were always the only one who could fix everything. You made it all hurt less. You knew what I needed every time. And yet I was left alone. I was alone for the first time in seven years. I was alone in the world and I had to find a way to deal with the pain. It felt like a thousand knives, being set on fire, like reliving your death all over. Worse yet, the only person who could fix it, was you. You weren't there. The pain did nothing but grow and hurt every day I was outside. My dreams were echos of you and my thoughts were consumed by you. Then I found myself staring at you from across the room. You were fine and that hurt the most. You laughed and smiled and I couldn't even do that. You were okay and I wasn't. I wanted to yell and scream at you, wanted to fight but all I could do was raise my voice a little bit before my tears took over. All that pain came crashing back down on me. I trembled, I cried, I was hurting and you held me for a moment before you were gone again. I cried for an hour afterward. I cried the next day. I cried at work and at home. Smiling felt impossible until I heard I could see you again. I thought I had a chance to take back the tears, for us to be friends again, even if it was just friends. Yet just as I'm starting to get excited, rehearsing what to say and jokes to make, you say you wouldn't go if I was there. You tell them that you don't even know why I was invited. You know how hard it is to get excited about a party when being in crowd scares you? I was gonna do better this time and you shut me down before I had a chance. I was waiting for so long. I was waiting for a reason for the pain. I was waiting for a reason to stay and you still shut me out. Now I'll do even better. I'll learn how to get through the pain. I'll learn how to deal without you. I'll show you that I can be okay without you. That's my last expression of my love. I'll move on because you did. I'll make something for you to be proud of. Because I love you, I'll stop trying to love you. 

You Can't Break This

You've made your choice. You didn't even say it to me but I heard it all. I get it so it's whatever. I'll let you go and move on with my life. All this time, I thought that you would change your mind or that you could see that I've changed. I guess I was looking for you to act a little older than you wanna be. I don't need someone who wants to act like a 12-year-old with someone else's heart. I'm not gonna lie, it hurts but I'll find some other way to feel better. I don't want to waste any more time on this fantasy that you could be the person you used to be for me. I'm not going to let you have the satisfaction of ruining me. I can be happy without you and I'm going to be. I hope one day you look back and see that you missed the perfect chance. But I'm not going to wait for you to grow a pair. I'm gonna look great. I'm gonna wear dresses and cute panties. I'm gonna style the hair you wanted me to grow out. Every single thing you gave to me from your shirts to my confidence, I'm gonna make it all mine so there won't be a thing I can thank you for. You'll be just another picture in a box. Watch me turn into a queen before your eyes. Fucking watch me.

A Second Chance

You forgave me that day in the snow, gave me a second chance. Now I'm giving you a second chance. This is your chance, your one chance to say what you need to. I'm giving you one chance to show me just a tiny bit that you care. It could be as simple as greeting me, laughing with me. I know you, so show me in the tiniest way that I shouldn't give up on you. Give me something so I know I should wait or give me a reason why you left. I need something because I can't keep hoping that you'll see these. I want to believe that you'll come back in due time and I think you will but I'm running out of time. I only have 7 months to wait for you. Either tell me to wait, or I'll be gone forever. I can't take back that decision. You have seven months until you lose your chance.

I Hate Wal-Mart

I was walking down the aisles and thinking about months ago. We would talk, I would talk at you. So many memories in a supermarket. So many times I would pull you around and you'd pull me back. So many moments where we would be just a breath apart; I'd look at your lips and contemplate. I always thought I had a little longer to think, to imagine a life with you. I'd always turn away right before we could kiss cause your kisses tasted like pain. I wanted to be yours but.... I was someone else's, I was scared, I didn't know how to take you back. I always figured it would be hard to fall in love with you. I didn't notice I always had been. I was so wrong for years and now I've gone and ruined it. I could've had my happily ever after but I can't see too far ahead. Now I'm in a supermarket thinking about the time we organized books, or played with toys, or talked about housing decor. Jesus, we always did so much in that store. Those could've been dates if I wasn't an idiot. Turns out time is merciless.

At Least Tell Me To Give Up

There are pictures where you hold me like you wouldn't ever let go, pictures where you look at me like I'm your world. I remember those feelings. Your eyes still cause my heart to race. I'm wondering if that will ever come back. I still remember what it felt like to love you. Do you?

The Dumb Way Every Time

I don't love him, but it's nice to be comfortable. I don't love him but it's nice to be stable. I don't love him but I enjoy the idea of my own life. I don't love him but he's here and you aren't. I have no reason to leave because I mean, what more could a girl ask for? And in a way, I guess I love him because he is comfort, stability, easy. He's a responsible choice and because of that, I'd be better off with him. I could have a great life with my own house and car. Bills paid and a nine-to-five that wasn't too awful. That's the smart life. And I love that and I love him in a smart way.

But I love you in a dumb way. I love you in the irrational, heart-tormenting way. I love you in the 'I'd sleep on a pallet on the floor with nothing more than each other and a handful of clothes and be perfectly happy' way. I would be happier struggling along with you. I'd rather make shitty pay with you than get paid 20-per-hour in a nice house. I'd rather have nothing but you than everything. I love you hard, sweet, painful. I love you in more ways than one. I love you a thousand ways and million more. It's that heart-beating rush, that brain-numbing kind. The kind all the love songs talk about. The kind like you're going 150mph in a 60. Like being shot up in the air, like your first plane ride.

And I'd choose you. Every time. I'll give it all up in heartbeat if it means my heart is going to beat for you.

Out of Words and Still Typing

What hasn't already been said? Is there anything left you want me to say? I've put everything here for you to see but you're not even reading. Like writing on the wall, you won't read it till you want to. Now I've given you and chance for you to let me know everything. A simple 'yes' or 'no' and I'll plan based on that. You have a week to tell me, one week to decide weather this will be permanent or not. Either way, I'll be here for as long as it takes. I'll keep shouting into the void. Typing until I can't type anymore. I don't understand what more I can do to show you that I need you. I can't think of any combination of words that I haven't used before. You must get it by now. I'd give up my world for you. I'd make a restart with you if you asked. I don't care what's in my life now, I'd leave it all for you and I have no way to show you because you won't ask. I've told you I love you in a thousand words and in none. I've let you break me, shatter me, ruin me and yet you're still gone. I've given you the control here and yet I'm still left alone. I've told you everything a thousand times and you're still not listening. Yet I'm still here, telling you everything over again and I'll keep doing it. Maybe one day you'll stop doing this to me. Maybe I'm a sucker for the pain. I don't even know anymore.

And it all comes back to the memory of my tears soaking your cotton shirt as you held me.

I Want to Die

You could drive up right now and I'd go with you. I don't care about anything else. All I'd need is some clothes and I'd run with you. I don't even think you know how serious I am. I would do anything for you. Am I making this too easy? Am I supposed to be distant and act like I don't need you? That's not how this works. I hate everything in my life but it's stable. It's all so stable and calm and that's what I've needed for a long time but if you gave me a chance, I'd leave it all behind. I'd rather struggle with you than live comfortably. I'd rather scrape up my knees running with you than keep walking. You don't understand how much I don't want to be here but I have nothing else and no reason to change it. Give me a reason. Come find me, tell me that's you still want to be around me. Tell me I'm not worthless. You're the only one who can save me and I want to save you. Give me something to live for.

When You Feel It All

I'm left empty. I've cried the hardest I could. I'm trying to find the strength to move on after last night. Maybe the strength to just find some joy in the world. Find something that doesn't make me want to run to you. I drew a picture today, but I just wanted you to see it. I played a new game today but I just wanted you to play it with me. I watched my favorite Disney movie but I just wanted to laugh with you. I want to sleep but I'm scared you'll be in my dreams again and if my dreams sound anything like you, I won't be able to hold it together. Honestly I can hardly hold on right now. I want it to be like the movies where I could walk over in the rain and you'd take everything back. I don't even want to walk around because I know I'll wander straight to you. I feel like everything worth living for is living in you.

But I won't let myself break down. I've got to be strong until you come back. I know now that no matter what I do or say, nothing will happen until you let it. I just hope you felt something while I was crying into your chest. I hope you've seen that I am nothing without you.

'Late for a Very Important Date'

The fabric against my face was the first relief I had felt in so long. I know who you got that shirt from, I know what you like about it. It was soft, comfortable, it felt like home. Your arm around me was the first reassurance that it was okay to cry. The smell of you filled me up like I hadn't breathed in years. I was trembling, crying, scared, vulnerable for the first time in so long. I was weak and even though you didn't know what to do, even though you didn't want to be there or to see me, even though it wasn't your problem, even though I was the one to put you there, you held open your arm. You knew that I couldn't handle it, you knew what I was like when I was weak and you knew I needed you. Even though you aren't reading this, you knew that I needed you.

 I didn't get to say what I wanted to, I didn't get to yell and scream at you. I didn't have a chance to be mad because once you walked in through that door and I saw your face for the first time in four months, I was out of anger. Once I saw you, all that pent-up rage, anger, pain, and sadness, it all just melted away. You were okay and that made me okay. You got a haircut. It looked nice. I heard your laugh and it was so nice. For a moment, even when I was trying so hard to be mad, I was okay because you were there. It was like nothing bad had ever happened. When I went to talk to you, I tried to be mad, I really did but your eyes looking at me.... I can't be mad. I spent this whole time being so mad but you made me feel the pain I had been blocking out. You made me feel what I didn't want to. Talking got harder as my words felt like sandpaper trying to escape. I started crying. Not the small tears or the tears that no one can hear. No, I cried with the pain and sadness of a thousand heartbreaks and so many wounds left unhealed. I didn't mean to, I wanted to be strong so you would see I didn't need you. But you know as much as I do that I need you. I need you in my life. Just you, and I'll do anything to have that. If you want me to make a new start, I'll leave my house right now with a box of clothes and make a new start with you. I'll do anything you ask if you'd just come back.

And for a small moment, when I was at my worst and so broken, you held me to your chest so I could cry. For that moment, there was no one else, just you. It was everything I knew it would be and as I cried, I felt at peace because even though everything was falling apart, I could trust that you could hold me together.

When Will It Stop Hurting?

I want to scream at you. I want to yell and cuss till I can't handle it. I want you to see my tears and I want you to feel my pain. But most of all, I just want you. I don't care if you're broken, hurt, different or anything else. Having you would make it all worth it. I have to wonder, how long will I wait for you?

You Can't Sleep Because Someone Was Dreaming Of You

I dreamt of you holding me again. I heard your voice telling me that you were sorry. That you'd never leave me like that. You told me that you just needed some time. Is that what we are now? Is that what we have become? Are we each other's dreams now? I have to settle with my subconscious apologizing for you, and you know what? I accept it for you. I've already forgiven you for this. I've already made amends and now it's just that pause of waiting for you to tell me you mean it. I'm waiting for you to come back. I won't even be mad, I'll act like this never happened. I'll give you whatever you want, I just want you to come back. I want to see you again. The way your beard spirals in that one spot, the ways your blue eyes glint under your glasses, how when you smile, your front teeth poke out a little more. I just want to have you back in whatever way I can. I want something more than this empty pain I've been left with. Just friends? Fine. I don't care how I get you, I just want you and only you. When will this be over?