What is this?

I can feel it inside my heart, exploring every crack and wrinkle. I held his hand for so long and while it seemed weird, I couldn't understand why I couldn't bring myself to let go. Something inside me wanted our hands to be joined together for eternity. I didn't want it end yet I knew I had to let go before I did something I would regret. No matter what, I don't think I could handle him flying away. As much as it would be better for me, something inside him is mine. Something inside me is him and oh how I wish he knew how much I've tried to change for him. To become the person that my angel can be happy with. I wanted nothing more than to have him hold me close in sweet eternity now, it seems it's just a privilege to know I'm breathing the same air as him. It's hard to understand but it all makes sense in my head. Can I let him go? No, I don't think that's possible. If he ever left this world, I would chase after him even if he would never be with me, I just want him to know how much I truly feel for him. All that I am, my being, is his. Every breath I exhale, is for him. Every tear I shed and laugh that comes out of my mouth, it's all for the chance to see him. I'll never feel this ever again in my life and I want to make the most of it. I want to hear every word he has to speak. Every pulse in his veins, I live for them all.

Depression, Inspection, Perfection.

Night time brings a sense of deep thought to my head. As I try so hard not to get lost in my mind's inner maze, certain things bring me to become lost. So many things I wish I could take back. So many things that keep me awake at night, just wishing things could be different. I don't want to lose sleep over mistakes. I just want to be cradled softly in the arms of my sleeping angel. I don't want to inspect my life under a microscope, I just want things to make sense. After all my failures, it's become impossible to look past them. While new friends have never even known for me so failure, they soon see how badly my life leaves prints on everyone around me. Should I be thankful that people will remember me? Or should I cry in the thought that one day, I will want to be forgotten? When my insanity finally gets the better of me, will I be perfect? Was the plan outlaid for my life end with me laughing to myself and losing all I felt need to have in my life? I don't pretend to know what my future may hold but with the road I travel, I don't feel like I'll have another option other than insanity. I've changed so much over these past months but I feel as if it was all in vain. Possibly, I will receive the fortune of existing in a world where no one knows my face. Maybe then I'll regain the remaining parts of my head. Till that day I will watch. I will wait.

Oppurtunity

The chance to do something you have wished to do for so long has arisen and what will you do? Will you take advantage, gain the upper hand and do what you have so longed to do? Or will you watch behind curtains, watching those chance just slip by into the night? No matter how much I wish to react, I cannot start without cause. I have been watching, waiting for moments to come and go. Whilst I would love to take the world head on and challenge the ideas of others, I only react because that was how I was made. How I wish you could see my attempts to gain your promise. How I want you to hear my silent pleas for you. Can you hear me at all or am I just that girl you will never hear no matter the date or time? One day, i'll bring myself to take a chance. One day I'll learn how to use this voice of mine. Just please don't let me get carried away....

Burn it All.

All these papers on the ground. Drawings of my inner mind. Places I've been, places I'm afraid to enter, places I remember and some I've forgotten till now. Word written on walls, prayers of those demons. Let those claws embrace me as I set it all to flame. Let those things burn away. I never existed in this realm of insanity. Flying high above any clouds as my mind drifts from reality to darkness. 'Hold me close?' 'Love me for now?' Pretend play games cause nothing is certain. Drift off into perfect insanity. I love the bite of your tainted heart. Don't say a word, just kiss me till I can't breathe and once I'm dead, kiss me till I rot. You kept my world from stabilizing and I always want to live on drifting. Don't let me come back to normal. Send me drifting and don't you dare try to hold my hand. I want to experience what you live everyday. Let my world spin and spin till I get sick but don't stop me there. I want to fly into fire. Don't make promises, don't you dare offer safety, just kiss me and send me deeper into oblivion. I don't want perfect, I don't want sane, I want you and your snake bitten kisses. We won't wait for each other but we'll greet each other with a perfect kiss. You aren't fooled and you know who I am, as I know you. We aren't to be trusted. So lets run around the world and when we meet up again, we'll still know who we are. We don't trust each other with a heart but kisses are to be traded as fare. We don't love each other. Let us keep it that way.

Faith

Never forget. It's hard to do but never let it slip. Whilst I was crying, I sought you out and as insane as it sounds, I'm glad you were there. I know you couldn't understand what I was saying. I know you were confused. Just know that you were there when I really needed you. I know you have a girlfriend but the fact that you held me close and told me I was okay, those seconds I wanted to last a lifetime. We'll never be together but for a few minutes, you cared about me. I never thought that would happen and in a million years I never thought those things would happen but in my time where I couldn't fall any lower, you were there to pull me to my feet. I don't know how but somewhere in your brown eyes, I saw something for me, just me. That little bit of me inside you will keep me going till the end of time. Love, maybe not, but it was strong. No one cared, no one wanted to pick me up but you held me up. After so much I had gone through, you saw me broken. You saw how I came. You saw my pain, and you wanted to fix me. While that's next to impossible, you did manage to restart a dampened fire inside me. Everyday just making it through each day, nothing held for me and now I feel like I can walk high because you walk on this earth too. Just knowing you're alive makes me want to thaw my heart and be my best. Just another human yet you've done so much for me. Maybe my faith should lye with my own kind.

When Snow Falls

Melt me away into the grass and let the flowers bloom in my sleep. Show the sun what to shine on and let sweet memories be made in such a heat. Let those memories last till the end of time and let the day last so much longer. Let the night fall late and disappear early. Then as the nights grow longer, let the heat of sweet love never fade even as frost comes over the sweet grass. Finally, let that love burn hot throughout out the winter when snow falls. Nothing chills the soul more than watching the trees die and the mockingbirds vacate to the south. The hardest times are when one is split into two during the long cold nights. Wait till morning to become one again with your other half. It's so hard to wait when minutes seem like days. Just don't let her melt away into the grass once spring comes. Her heart can only take so much.

Forgotten....

Forget me. Forget what I meant. Forget how we used to play and forget how it felt to be in each other's arms. Forget the promise we made late at night cause what is a promise but a few empty words strung together in a sentence? I want to believe it was truth, wanted to think it would be you and me against the world. Thought nothing could tear us apart cause we were stronger than any brick wall. I thought we could make it though anything. And now where are you? You're in that damned room with that damned girl ready to suck up every last bit of hope you ever had. She's a vampire and she'll suck you dry. Devine nature and yet somehow you can't see that she's a panther ready to feed. She's hurt, full of hate for a world that scorns her so. I hate her. She tears down any wall you make. She tears her way into your chest and carves away at the love in your heart. She'll bring any man to his knees crying and now she's after you. Is it because I'm in love? Is it because I care for someone? Is it because that someone is you? Why is she doing this to me? There's so much of me that wants to storm in there and take her by the neck, ask why she has to mess up my happily ever after? I hate her for what she's done, what she is doing, and what she will you but most of all I hate her cause I might become her. There is so much rage bottled up in my heart just begging for release. So much I just want to let go but so much that I hold back. I'll never be yours and I know that. I'll never be good enough for you, never in my life I be able to be with you. So why is it that I still want to guard you tightly? Why do I still want to love you so? I hate this horrible feeling, feeling of slowly dieing inside wanting to see you. Just out of the corner of my eye or to be in the same room as you, it makes me so happy. Yet somehow I fill with these shakes cause I know you couldn't care less if I'm in that room. I know I'm hardly in your life and that feeling of worthlessness that brings me so low every time. You make me cry yet you bring hope for tomorrow. I love you yet I hate you. I love you but I can't stay in the same room as you. I love you but you're too good for me. I need to learn my place. If only that place could be up in the sky, flying high with you. I love you, my sweet sweet hell bound angel. I love you.... why is it you'll never know?