Watch Out, the Boogeyman is Cute.

I demand to be felt. Feel what you are without me. Feel the missing space of my lips and remember what it felt like to hold me close. Remember what it felt like to call my name and remember what my skin felt against yours. I am not some bottle to be thrown away. I demand to be felt. In the back of your mind you will feel me. I will make sure of it.

Dust and to Gold

Driving late at night, stars fade under harsh street lights. Hear the engine go, hear it roar against the speed limit. What was it like a year ago? I was in the woods. I was in your car. I was at the movies. I was smiling. Who are you anymore? I've never known you to talk behind someone's back. I've never known you to spread rumors. When I came to terms with everything I had done to you, everything I felt for you, you had changed. You aren't my friend anymore because of a line I gave you three years ago. You looked at me different but you didn't see me different. Then out of nowhere, you changed the lenses, you looked past me like I wasn't worth the time. The only explanation I get is that you changed? That I was too much? Four years and now, nothing. Nothing at all. No voice, no note, not even a hint as to what has happened.

And Now something bigger is happening. Something worse, and I can't talk to you. I don't want to talk to anyone else but I have to find someone else, someone to listen again. A part of me is dying. It hurts, everything hurts and I want to leave. I want to run away into oblivion. See nothing but black darkness of eternal. I'll want to hear you again, so if I call, You're voicemail would probably be nicer. I hope you come to the party.

Yes, It Was You

I loved you. Not the type where it went away or faded, but a type of love so strong that it lit this glorious flame inside of me. I felt I could do anything, I was everything you said I was. But I had never felt so indestructible before, so I made mistakes. I made a great mistake that lead to me losing you. I’ve dated people after you, trying to feel so free again but in truth, the only time I’ve felt alive was when I was in your room, your car, laughing and being what we were before. Now you’ve decided these years weren’t worth it and we aren’t talking. I see parts of you in my life. My friends joke and tell me I’m better off and I’m trying to be. One day, I want to talk to you again and tell you what I’ve been through. I want to call you up again. But I’m starting to understand that I need to learn to be free without you, alive without you. We were best friends, passionate lovers, and everything in between. I love you in such a deep way that it hurts, and I guess that’s the problem, it shouldn’t hurt to love you. It should be easy, but the pain lets me know I have to learn to love before I can love you. I need to love myself, love someone else, just love without you.

Like A Knife

It hurts to see these things, to know that I am gone. I know it for the better, but watching you love another, it still hurts. I don't want to think about it, yet I know I'll have to face it. I don't want to know anything and pretend that it never happened. It still hurts, it's going to hurt. I can't make the pain go away. Hero, I'm glad you found your future girlfriend.

Haven't Had Enough

One taste and I'm thinking that it's the one who got away but I'm too far gone. It's too late for me. I've already made things impossible for myself. Now I'm sitting, wondering, what if?

It's Not Supposed to End Like this

It's not love that I'm feeling, or at least I hope it's not. I can see you in my head and it makes me cry. I don't want to remember you like this. I want to remember you the way we were in the woods. I want to remember our secrets and our hushed voices. I want to remember us that one Christmas morning. I want us to still be together in some sort of way, but that's not how this is gonna end. I'm scared to talk to you, scared you'll yell at me, or worse, you won't. I'm afraid that this was the last straw and I know it's all my fault. I know I can't take any of it back, but I still never lied to you. You were just ready not to trust me. I know what your hearing in your ears, but you're not letting me speak to your heart. I'm not going to lie, I've been crying because I know this is the end. Even as I write this, it's getting harder to see my keyboard. It's been seven years and yet I can't talk to you like I used to. This is what I was talking about, why I said we couldn't be together. Even though you said that you didn't look at me any different after the incident, you were so quick to believe what they said because you had heard it once before. It was two years ago and yet, I was right, you look at me differently. And maybe I deserve that, maybe I deserve to be this mess that I am right now. But you still lied to me. Now you haven't spoken to me in the week. In that week, I've dealt with everyone else. Some listened and heard me out, others fought back. Now there's you and me. I would give anything to call you right now. I'd give anything to hear you laugh, calm me out of my tears, but I know you answer. If I went to your house, would you let me in? Or would you yell at me? Would I even get a goodbye hug? One last time to feel safe in your arms. I never planned any of this. Just one last chance, one last moment, with you, human. Please?

Angel Flies Above

I saw you in my dream, my dear angel. We talked for the first time in years. I heard your voice perfectly. We talked, like we used to, about things that were happening. We were laughing like we did that first night. Your voice was low like it was. I felt your touch against my skin. I felt you in my heart. I saw you and I wanted you to stay. Even after all these years, I still remember the feelings that have murdered me for years. We hugged and I smelled your body for the first time in years. I kissed you, for the first time in years, and then I woke up.

Out and Out

I could be everything you've ever dreamed. I could be all that you've wanted in life. I could fill every void in your life and be the missing piece in all you see. I could numb the pain. For the rest of time, I could be your perfect one. Yet here I am waiting for you to reach out for me. Would I even grab your hand if I had the chance? Would it be worth my time to try again? I've been waiting yet pushing you away at the same time. I've pulled you in, a breath away and pushed you across oceans because I want to get into that again. I want to get hurt, to do the hurting. I don't want to be the same person I was. You're always there and yet, never there at all. What about the life we had planned? Where did that one go? How is it that when I leave you alone for more than a day, suddenly I'm not worth it to you? Let me know when you're done going back and forth so I can give up at the right time.

And Yet, I find myself thinking about this more and more. The pain I feel when you look at her, the burning inside when she's on your mind. Like acid in my blood, eating me away inside. I remember hearing melodies across the fields. I remember spending the long nights in the woods. I think on those years we've spent together. Where did I go wrong? Was it when I decided I didn't want to hurt you anymore? Or was it when I decided that you were worth it to try again? When did it start to taste like battery acid when we kissed? When did it start to hurt to see you? And when did I become addicted to this pain you've been causing me?

Definitive

A moment where one looks out the window, her whole life is changing, and she is finally okay with that. It's a new place, a new time, and she can't help but feel happy about this new world she lives in now. Gone are those times where I felt useless, worthless, and powerless. I finally have the world where I want it to be and I cannot describe how happy I am. This new life is what I've wanted, what I've craved and with one small key, I am happy again. It's a hard choice to make sometimes, weather or not to abandon your life and move on to something even more crazy, but I am happy to take that little silver key out of here. Looking at all the things I've done in these past few months, I've become someone. I am not just some person to walk on. I have a purpose now. I can be someone, anyone!

A Priceless Girl

It's an often thought of mine, where my princess is. Is she scared to look for me as well? Nervous out in a world full of sharks. I think about her all the time. What color is her hair? Does she like rock or country better? Would she fall asleep on me if she was super sleepy or would she claim she was fine and do her best to stay awake? I think about her all the time. I wonder what color her eyes would be. I wonder what she would get me for valentines day. I know I'd spoil her whenever I got the chance. I'd learn how to cook her favorite meals even though I'm a menace in the kitchen. I'd teach her how to waltz and she'd laugh because I was embarrassing her. We'd watch movies together even though I'd probably pass out while holding her. I've thought it through so many times. I'd take her out on dates but because I can't drive, we'd have to take the bus back. I would do anything in my power to keep her happy because she'd be my little slice of eternal happiness. I can't wait to meet her.