Texts in the Middle of the Night

         It hurts to be in love. You'd think that I would stop falling in love after enough times of getting my heart broke. Maybe I'm addicted to it. Maybe it's my fate to keep falling in love over and over again, getting my heart broke like Sisyphus. 

        I know it's something in me that's broken. I can't love myself but I can throw myself into fire for someone else. I can walk across coals for someone to hold me. I cannot fathom being someone's favorite person. I do not understand what it feels like to be loved in return, loved in the same crushing and painful way that I love someone else.

        But I'm staring at this screen, it's 1am and we work in the morning. He's a thousand miles away. But even through this screen, I can feel myself slipping, tripping, falling into that dark pit of love. Back on the carousel, around and around again. I'm smiling at my phone, my heart skips when he texts. 

        I'm not healing. I'm not doing better. Because I'm falling for nothing again. I'm falling for impossible again. I'm falling again and smiling the whole way down. 

 

        I'm still a moron. I'm still broken. I'm in love again. Over and Over.

Marriage Won't Fix Me

 It's been a while. 

I thought I had finally found my happily ever after. I thought I was finally  going to see my own wedding. I had dreamed about getting married with so many other people, but I was finally going to see it. Someone finally proposed to me of all people.

But the weight of the missing ring on my finger could drown me. The pain I feel, the hurt. I was ready to abandon myself for him. I was ready to cross all my lines to make sure I'd walk down that aisle. Piece by piece, I chipped away at my boundaries just so he'd love me.

It took so long for me to see what I had become and the type of marriage I would be in.  It's taken even longer to get up the nerve to leave. 

I'm looking down the barrel of a gun loaded with a life I want to life. I just have to pull the trigger and kill that last bit of this girl I created. Your new life will cost you your old one. 

I moved everything for us. I paid for everything for us. I said yes to everything I didn't want just so he'd stay. Yet he left. He left and told me build our life without him. He'd come back when I was done and he'd live in the happily ever after I built.

I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't give anymore. Maybe that makes me a horrible person, maybe I was supposed to stay and work it out. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep giving. I couldn't build our life alone.

So now I'm gonna move again. Back to my family and I'll build my life without him. Because I will never sacrifice so much for a man who wouldn't even stay for me. It's time to rediscover myself. What do I like? What are my hobbies? Who am I?

He broke me but he will not beat me. I will fly again. I will soar.

How Many Times Can I call?

Now I know it's my addiction to you. Now I know it's the chemicals in my brain telling me I need you. How do I ignore all the voices telling me to run back? I sometimes wonder if it'll be easier when you move away.

Enough with the cryptic bullshit,

I know you're not reading this. I know you stopped caring. Why I keep writing in this damned place is beyond me.  I want this pain to stop. Being with you is painful and being without is worse. I've made a life of myself and I've told you before, I'm not going down again.

How I crave the soft touch of your fingers across my chest and the pale light through the curtains. I miss the smell of your unwashed hair and how it felt to have you wrapped around me like a blanket. I was going to come back. I know better than that now. How did I become the one chasing your touch?

Kiss me again. Memories are my lover. I'll remember it all. I'll make love to the sweet image of our old love. Hot, hate and passion. I have no one to tell about you.

Fuck you. I love you.

Toxic Love

   I still let you control my body. I haven't got a tattoo because you said you'd hate it if I did. I grew out my hair for you and never wore makeup. You told me who to be and I'd rather be that person than find out who I am. We've both done some bad things. Me more than you and I wish I could take back the pain. Now I'm watching you slip away and I want to run and take you back. Reclaim you and make sure you never leave me. I want to, but I know this is best. You must go away. It's the only way you can heal and after it all, I need you to heal.
   There are still so many nights where I dream of doing things right. Kissing you when I didn't, choosing you when I didn't. The most painful, staying when I didn't. Maybe it's the pain of anyone who falls in love. Some days it kills me that I cannot kiss you. I want to find myself within you. I would've been anything you asked, if only I had known how to keep you. That night while camping or the bonfire. You could've been my answer but I ruined it. I ruin most things.
   Now you'll leave. You've found someone who makes you happy again. I don't want you to go, I can't be alone again. Without you, how will I know who I am? Without you, what's the point of anything? I want you to be happy. I want to make you happy. I know I shouldn't be with you.
   I've got a life now and that's the important part. I have to hold onto it. That's why I won't stop you. I won't make the same mistakes.
   What I wouldn't give to have one last night. No one watching us, no guilt, just us. If I could kiss you without worry just one last time. In my dreams, I have you. In my dreams, we can be together and that will have to be what I settle for. My life is healthy now but for some reason, I yearn for the pain of your love. I'll dream of you.
   It's painful, the way I love you. Is love supposed to hurt?

I love him

I love him.  I've come to terms with that.  I love him even after everything.  If I could, I would tell him, but that would ruin both our lives.  I wish it didn't take so long.  I wish I  could've known sooner. I love him and I know that now but it's because I love him that I have to let him leave.  He's gonna go find another girl,  one who will see sooner than I did, that she loves him. He'll be happy. I want to be happy. And as my heart slowly breaks,  as the days tick by till he leaves,  I'll have only my memories of a million missed chances.  We could've been forever but he'll be better off without me.
I've held on so tight for so many years. Kept him trapped close to me but letting him go means he can be happy.  I'll be sad, missing him for the hole he'll leave, but to see him happy....hopefully that'll be enough. But I'll always love him. 

Does He Know Who He's Dating

Does she know what you did to me? Did you ever tell her how long I loved you? Did you tell her what you did? What kind of person would do that? I loved you, harder than anyone. I did everything for you, put myself on the line and just watched as you loved her. Now what does it even matter? The hell I went through for you? For eight years, I did anything I could for you. You were always taken but I was okay with that. I didn't want to steal you away, just wanted to be in your life. We went on for years in the same way. I loved you, you loved her. You two broke up again and again and you would come to me. But you'd always go back to her. Did you tell her that night at the party? I didn't come for you, I came to talk to someone else. I came to fix something that was broken but you were there. Maybe you couldn't stand that I was in love with someone else. You spent the whole night on my arm, convincing me to do things I would never want to do. You were flirty and all over me and I was happy. Maybe you noticed that I was looking over to him, trying to get a moment to talk with him. You kissed me. Not the cute, 1 second kiss you had given me before. You kissed me long and hard. I didn't know how to feel about it. In later days, We would go on dates and you called me your girlfriend. We went to the museum, your favorite place. I took you out to eat and drove you home. You told your parents that we were dating and I was happy. And then you never called me back. You never texted or talked to me. I hadn't done anything wrong and yet I was tossed out. You wouldn't respond to anything. Months later I hear you're dating some guy. A guy you used to call ugly and gross behind his back. Did you ever call me those things? Whatever happened to your forever girlfriend? Did you do the same thing to her? This isn't the girl I fell in love with, she was never so heartless. Some princess you are.

The Moment I Knew

It started as a fight. Not like a screaming match or a boxing ring, but a fight between us. It came to that silent part, the part where everything hangs in the empty space between. He whispered, just loud enough for me to hear, "I'm gonna fix it. I'm not letting this go south. I want us to be together." That's when I knew, I'm gonna marry this boy.
He's a dork. Doesn't give me all the attention I want. He is sometimes very loud when he's excited.
But now I know, all this heartache over a boy who was Mr right at the wrong time. All this pain over a girl who never loved me back. All the tears over a relationship that I kept piecing  back together. This is the one.
I'm gonna fight for him, with him and beside him. He's the one.

A New Forever

I'm supposed to be asleep right now. It's late and I have work in the morning. I'm lying awake in my bed staring at what I can only think of as a blessing. A second chance. He's a lot like you until you get to know him. I'm looking at him right now while he sleeps and he's so handsome in the moonlight. We went to the mall together. It was to run an errand but he made it feel like a date. He makes me smile even when I don't want to. He's so nice to me. He's goofy and smart at the same time. God, I wish you could meet him. I wonder if you'd be happy for me? He's mine and I learned from you, I won't leave him. I won't give him up like I did to you. I'm sorry by the way. I hope he'll be my forever. We've made it this long.

Like the Stars Burn

I remember the pain in his eyes as he told me not to erase my picture. I remember the pain in his voice when he he asked me not to go. I put him through so much all because I never knew how much I needed him, how much I really loved him. I've tried to move on but a tear still falls when I think of what could've been between us. His love was pure. His love was real and for a short while, it was also mine. He met me at the wrong time, when I didn't know who I was, when I didn't know how to love. I miss him. Oh god,like the heavens burn, I miss him. We can talk now, small talk after everything but I miss our talks of the stars, how we would rule. If only we could've lasted. These last few threads make me happy, remind me how lucky I am to even have that, but I still wish for more. How selfish can a person be to destroy their love and then still want to broken pieces to put back together?

Am I Okay?

I can't feel anything. Lost and alone and I didn't think about it. It's been almost a year and for the first time, I feel like I've shared in a moment of your life. For just a moment, it wasn't painful and I smiled a bit. I don't want to mess this up. I don't want you to run away. I'm scared, I'm really scared and everything is up in the air. For once, it didn't suck to be here on this earth. For a moment, my heart raced and it was nice to have my friend back. Please don't let this be the last time.