Listen to the Void

I pray that you can see these. I hope that this will be my one tie to you. When everything else is lost, I pray I can shout these words into the void and have them reach your doorstep. They keep telling me to let go, to move on because you won't come around. You won't be there after my nightmare. Though, if I don't wait, if I turn my back I won't see you if you turn around. If I don't show you I care, how will you know I'm still here? I don't want to give up until I know for sure you won't turn around. I haven't even seen your face in months, haven't heard your voice in months. I still have my memories of your laugh, you're smile, your.... kiss. I remember it all and that's what I hold onto to give you your space. I've been weak the last few days. Texting and calling, even going to your house but to no avail. I know I need to stay strong and stay away so you can miss me. I don't want you to think I'm desperate. I have my own life, I can go a few minutes without thinking about you. But just because I put a band-aid over the wound, doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt. When I'm at work, when I'm alone, you're still there.

What will I have to do to make you see me again?

After All This Time

Walking along the path, looking out at the water and thinking to myself 'What if?'

What if we didn't fall apart?
What if I didn't mess up?
What if we still had hope?
What if, just what if, what I'm feeling is still love?
After all this time?
Would it be love?
I thought I was in love with someone else?
What if?

I looked at you and I knew what I would say would break your heart. It broke mine just thinking about it. It's not impossible. I loved you deep and true, I loved you hard and fast. I loved you in every way possible. I loved you, I love you, even after all this time.

That was last year. Even after all this time.

I hurts to know that anyone I try to love, I'll never love someone like I did you. It hurts to know that I've been looking for you in everyone I meet. I can't undo what I did to you three years ago. I can't fix it.

Now, this year...

After all this time....

I still love you. As deeply as before.

But you don't.

Stop

Every time I want to be happy, every single time I think I can move on, you creep back. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to constantly feel alone, worthless and sad. I want to feel okay again but you're in everything. You're in the songs I listen to, the games I play, the work I do, and in my dreams. You're my pain and I'm tired of hurting but I can't stop. You are consuming my thoughts. Come back.

Help Me

I was there. I was there waiting and you weren't. I came to you, and you weren't there. I stood in front of your house but you weren't even home. Still no answer on your phone but I know you got the message. I've told myself too many times that I know I should just give up. I should just let you go but you want to know something? When someone is 90% of your happy thoughts, when you don't know yourself without someone, when someone is your reason for success, you can't imagine a world without them. You try to find a way without them, you try to find a way to be alone, to love yourself. I've read everything I should do to make me better but I don't want to be like that. I'd rather us argue, us fight, every day than lose you completely. I want something, give me something, anything so I can let go. Give me a note, give me a text, anything that I can hold onto so I can let go. I need you. In my life in some way. When will you come back?

I Wanna Tell You a Story...

About a great night. I arrived a little late, my boyfriend could only find the place so fast. This was gonna be the night of my first party. I got there with a friend but his girlfriend didn't want him to stay. I told my boyfriend I would stay at this party. Gathered around a campfire, we all laughed about the past four years. You were there and as the night got later, I got closer to you. It was such a nice night and it was such a warm fire. You had a sleeping bag for the two of us. They all started drinking and I laughed as they lost it. You stayed by my side, talking to me cause you knew I had issues. You held me close and for that night, I wasn't anybody's property. I wasn't anyone's problem. I was just having fun, and that was a truly great night.

Now here's the kicker, none of that happened. When my boyfriend asked, I left with him and my friend and I never got to stay. I never tasted that beautiful night. I went home that night, alone, and slept in my bed, alone.

I think about that night all the time. Was that the day I decided I would always be someone else's property? Or was that the night you decided I would never be worth it? Human, I can't read your mind. It's going on four months since we last talked and I can't help but obsess over what I could've done. I've gone over every text, every message, every memory. Was this the one where you decided I wasn't going to be yours again? Will I never be yours again? I know I fucked up, I know what I did but I can't take it back. Is it just one of those things where I have to let you go, even when it pains me so much to know that you're gone every day? If your plan is just to cut everything and leave, can you kill me first so I don't have to endure this pain. I've lost my best friend, the only person who would listen and a person I loved so fully that it's hard to imagine a future without you in it. I cherished every second I had with you and I loved every second we were together. Why am I lost to you when I'm right here, pounding at your door for you to let me in again? Please give me something....

What is Wrong With Me

Maybe I'm lying to myself. Maybe I can't do this without him. I want to be strong.

One Last Goodbye

I guess I've been holding on too hard. I guess I just lost. I haven't lost in a long time so I'm not sure how to handle it. I guess I've been missing an idea of you that no longer exists. Though I still think it's dumb what happened, and the words you said, honestly you could've tried to make me feel a little better about it. That was kinda mean, making me leave your house, crying all the way across town. Really, you need some sensitivity training. Your flaws are as human as you are. I had this idea of you for so long that I don't know how to see you now. I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't forgive you the second you asked. I'm weak like that. I've been trying to make a life around you and I guess it's not working. I moved back into town, tried to get an apartment near you and I've been trying to plan my life around your schedule. I give up.

I've been going over all the memories, picking out my favorites and talking about you all the time. I've told everyone our story, beginning to end. My mistakes, yours too, all our moments and our fights. I think my favorite is still the camping trip though I promise I'll keep my mouth shut about somethings, I promised you. Though it was still one of my favorite few days. The campfire and just everyone. Your old truck and I swear she gets prettier with age. I had a rock in my back every night so it was either get closer or go to the other side of the tent. And I was so scared when I thought I heard a bear and got even more scared when you said it was a moose. We stayed an extra night out there because we were all too lazy to pack up.

Then it goes to science class when were separated because of interplanetary jokes. Years later, we'd walk ten miles just to get back that joke. Though it was unsafe, I loved walking that late at night with you, just talking for hours. The first time we did it, we got halfway there and thought we had parked in a tow-away zone and turned back as fast as we could. The stars were so pretty, the tide was going and I told you that I wanted to see high tide one day.

And I know they were part of the reason we don't talk anymore, but I remember what it felt like to kiss you every time, from the first to the last. I think that's what I may miss most but my life is too unstable to trap you with me. I would love to drop everything for you but dropping everything means a lot more now than it did when this began. When this started, I had nothing to lose and I could throw it all, but now I have a crappy life with a crappy job and a broken-down house with loud and annoying roommates. I'd love to drop it all but other people depend on me. I'd lose my room at a house that I help pay for. I'd lose my internet to write you these dumb posts and all for you to probably be in the same place you are now.

I'll be here if you need me.

I just don't know anymore

You said the most beautiful things to me.

You told me I was worth everything.

You said I was worth it.

You believed in change.

I'm waiting for you to believe in me.