Am I Okay?

I can't feel anything. Lost and alone and I didn't think about it. It's been almost a year and for the first time, I feel like I've shared in a moment of your life. For just a moment, it wasn't painful and I smiled a bit. I don't want to mess this up. I don't want you to run away. I'm scared, I'm really scared and everything is up in the air. For once, it didn't suck to be here on this earth. For a moment, my heart raced and it was nice to have my friend back. Please don't let this be the last time.

A Passing Glance

I didn't expect kindness in your voice but I know it was because you were at work. I didn't think you would be there so I told them 'We should go there' thinking there wouldn't be a chance. I wanted to see you but I couldn't even lift my face to see your eyes. I wish you would text me, I wish you'd say something. If today is any indication of the rest of the year, I'm gonna be stressed, busy and still in love with you. I had forgotten that you told me we could be friends. At the time, I told you no because I didn't understand. I wasn't understanding. Now it's too late but god, I'd do anything just to be something to you again.

If I cry this midnight as the ball drops, I'll be crying out your name. It's not right to start a new year without you.

It's a Merry Christmas Indeed

It's finally offical, I've got a new place to call my own and friends to keep me distracted. I'll be getting a new phone number soon and a phone that doesn't have a picture of you on it. I never thought it'd come to this. Never thought we would be here. I had always imagined that we would at least talk until we were eighty. I'm still waiting for you to talk or text me. Once I get my new number, I know I'll give it to you just to keep the hope alive that you'll call me up one day. I'm still waiting for you to change your mind and I'll keep that door open for you for the next century. However long it takes for me to get you back.

Take Away My Pain

I'd rather have you. It'd be you over anything. I'd give up anything for you to come back to me. The very sight of you tears me apart. All I want is you. How much longer before this stops hurting?

All I Want for Christmas

You wrote the only note in my locker. You gave me the only love I could've known. There are moments, I've been blocking you out for so long. Why is it so hard for you to answer me? It's been seven months and I'm still crying over you. I'm still trying but you gave up a long time ago. You aren't the same but I'm still in love with you. You left a note in my locker going on seven years ago. I don't remember the words anymore but I remember the feeling. I remember feeling special for a moment. As time went on, I felt like it was a cruel trick someone had played. A year passed and I threw it away because I thought it was someone mocking me. Three years after that note was left, you told me you wrote it. Three years later, you would stop talking to me.

Merry Christmas

I can't even think about being around you. Last year, I was begging for the fudge you made me once. What happened to us? Where did we go? Why aren't we talking about what's happening this Christmas. I have the day off work and you know I don't celebrate. Why am I not coming over on Christmas to hear everything and laugh with your family. I'm thankful I can still remember your laughter before all this. Your brothers all getting wound up on chocolate. I had a spot in your family. I had a spot with you. Where are you? It's all I want for the holidays, to hear something from you. Who does this to a person? Who just walks off? Where's my best friend? Where's my love? We spent every day after school together for years. I'm scared to go back to college because you might be there. When you're drunk, I can at least see you without you leaving. Sober, you run away from me. When will you come back? Will you come back? Your room was blue with a sliver stripe. Is that poster still in your closet? At least spend a day with me. A day where we can be us again. Laugh and play games and talk. You could stab me afterward for all I care, I just want a hint that you're not lost. I want just a hint that there's still something I recognize in you, something I still love.

Damn

I've been waiting for months for you to tell me it was all a mistake. I was waiting to hear you call me, to see you. For even just a glimpse of something to give me hope. You left me with nothing. Now I feel like nothing.

California

Kissed me at a fountain. We planned or honeymoon with the water shooting far up. I found a new favorite cookie. We wanted to get a hotel right at that spot. I imagined a future where I would dance in my underwear with you. I would marry you. I don't want to think about marriage again because it wouldn't be you. It was always you but not anymore. It's not you who picks me up from work. It's not you who I call when I have a bad day. I still hold my breath when I think I might see you. Suck in my tummy, shoulders back and pretend that the sight of you doesn't tear me apart. I've been crying again.

It's Not Fucking Okay

I couldn't keep him happy. There had to be a reason behind it. I just want to die. The only person who ever loved me has turned his back. Who told him it was okay to leave me? I can't keep going on. Who does he think he is? He's not worth it. I'll scream into the sky. He doesn't deserve me but I need him. I want him. I want to see him, hear his voice. I want to walk away forever, never look back. When did I fucking ask for this? I'm broken, I'm hurt. I don't want to be here. I want to be there. Fucking call me! At least tell me to fuck off! All I want is to hear that voice. I want to held again. The beard, the arms, the spiral, the hands, the eyes. I want it all back. After everything I've been through, all I've done for him and yet, he can't hear me crying. He won't hear me. Dammit! Fuck off! Stop killing and give me something to fix. Give me something to hang onto. Fucking anything. I don't deserve this. I need him. Need to talk to him, need a hug. Jesus I am not okay without him.