Never ending death

he holds my hand and I can feel my heart stop. When I see his smile, I find myself smiling too. He has done everything for me yet I have kept his life on a string. It kills me that he might leave. I kills me to know that I only have a few short years left with my sweet. It kills me to see him without me holding his hand. Everything about him murders me yet that is why I love him so. I love him for the reality he gives my life and for the uncertanty he gives me. He is everything in my life and the knife that cuts it apart.

The new year

This year has been a fun one, full of things that I have tried document. Everything has been differnt, love tried and questions turned. For this little post, whom ever cares, I shal give a little advice. This year, the one thing I have noticed between me and my mother is that you must allow yourself time to heal after something great. Never be too quick to jump at an oppurtuity when you dont know everything.

His lock

Everything has changed so much in these last days. I love him so and it's true that he has a hold on my heart. We both love each other and that is never to be questioned. I couldn't see myself with another person. My Christmas was spent without him and I wait for the day when he is in my Christmas and he is mine forever.
Merry Christmas

Again

So this happens again. Time repeats it's self, no question. Once again, I have found myself loving another. I can't see how it got to this and I don't know why I would do this to myself, but here I am, holding his hand. Making up excuses to see him. Even when I kiss my own boyfriend, my mind travels to this other guy. All this started because I said hello. I thought he was cute, but I knew I didn't love him. Now, I'm not so sure anymore. Things have been to differnt that I can barely tell which way is up.
Merry Christmas

IF

Hope, for thats all you can do. Even in all our efforts, we can do nothing but hope. When the dream comes true, thats when we can say we prayed or we knew it would happen. But you know that all you did was hope.

Simple words, powerful punch.

He sat there, his head to my chest, and he closed his eyes. "I'm going to miss this," He says. I look down at him. "What?" I ask and he opens his sweet eyes. "I'm going to miss your heartbeat." He closes his eyes once more. Oh how I loved him so. "Who says that it will go away? I don't plan to die soon." His smile turns as he hears these words. "But I am such a burden on you. Right now, instead of looking after me, you could be doing something else. I'm full of problems. I'm just a burden." How could he think this? Why would I want to be anywhere else? The only place I would ever want to be is in his arms. It's my happy place. I couldn't see myself with anyone else and I truly love him. He is everything to me. I love him. His life I love helping. His problems, I love hearing. Everything about him is perfect. I couldn't be with another person.

Flaws

In our hearts we all hold flaws. These flaws make us human. Our flaws, our seacrets. Each one of us has one. Even myself, the gaurd of the book and the love of a newcommer, have these flaws. I have many seacrets. I never want that to ever come inbetween my loves and me.

Nighttime fears

The days seem to crawl by, leaving no hint of ever ending. It's only on these nights where I can sent seacret messages to my lover. Tonight, as I am on a time limit, I cannot talk to him though I wish I could. I would help this isolation be easier. My presence in this house has proven to be problematic in the least. The past fills my head and the moon rises slowly. The year is going to end soon and everything that has happened will be locked away in our memories. How I wish I could freaze time and spend those days with him. I want us to be together when I'm scared. How I cannot wait for the day when I can call him mine.

6 days.

Thanksgiving weeks. In school, it was already planned to have a short week but after Monday, my school never reopened. Thus, for the past two days, I have been alone. I haven't the chance to see my love. My mind is slowly going deeper into depression and my physical state has gone downhill. It has gotten harder and harder to hide my despair from my family. My love, how I miss him. As my emotions spiral out of control, Emily brings her rage. She is cut off from the one person who can give her what she wants. As being with a house full of girls torments her, she becomes enraged. Now with every argument proposed, she yells and screams. Both of us are going insane. I may have lived with these people for the last few months but I have always had a way out. Soon, I fear Emily may take matters into her own hands. Though I don't find that much problem in leaving home, I know that there will be problems and I cannot deal with them. I hope that I will see my love soon.

Pain in it's devilish form

Our love, mine and Emily's love. How much they differ but I fear she has gained too much control from the last encounter with my lover. She took over and kissed, he lost himself and soon our relation was changed. I fear to see him. What if his love has changed from the innocent fancy it used to be? I don't want to deal with the after effect of Emily's love. She was the one who killed my relationship. How I loath her, and as for him, how could he have not stopped? How can he not tell when I am not myself? He fell in love with me! Emily was the result of my kiss. She has laid dorment for most of my life and now she re-enters life. When he left, she was cold and deathy. Longing for love and now that he has returned, she has let loose her full power. I fought as best as i could for control but she has me lost in my own mind. Just kill this hate. Kill her. Rip her out of my mind before this gets out of hand, again.