How Many Times Can I call?

Now I know it's my addiction to you. Now I know it's the chemicals in my brain telling me I need you. How do I ignore all the voices telling me to run back? I sometimes wonder if it'll be easier when you move away.

Enough with the cryptic bullshit,

I know you're not reading this. I know you stopped caring. Why I keep writing in this damned place is beyond me.  I want this pain to stop. Being with you is painful and being without is worse. I've made a life of myself and I've told you before, I'm not going down again.

How I crave the soft touch of your fingers across my chest and the pale light through the curtains. I miss the smell of your unwashed hair and how it felt to have you wrapped around me like a blanket. I was going to come back. I know better than that now. How did I become the one chasing your touch?

Kiss me again. Memories are my lover. I'll remember it all. I'll make love to the sweet image of our old love. Hot, hate and passion. I have no one to tell about you.

Fuck you. I love you.

Toxic Love

   I still let you control my body. I haven't got a tattoo because you said you'd hate it if I did. I grew out my hair for you and never wore makeup. You told me who to be and I'd rather be that person than find out who I am. We've both done some bad things. Me more than you and I wish I could take back the pain. Now I'm watching you slip away and I want to run and take you back. Reclaim you and make sure you never leave me. I want to, but I know this is best. You must go away. It's the only way you can heal and after it all, I need you to heal.
   There are still so many nights where I dream of doing things right. Kissing you when I didn't, choosing you when I didn't. The most painful, staying when I didn't. Maybe it's the pain of anyone who falls in love. Some days it kills me that I cannot kiss you. I want to find myself within you. I would've been anything you asked, if only I had known how to keep you. That night while camping or the bonfire. You could've been my answer but I ruined it. I ruin most things.
   Now you'll leave. You've found someone who makes you happy again. I don't want you to go, I can't be alone again. Without you, how will I know who I am? Without you, what's the point of anything? I want you to be happy. I want to make you happy. I know I shouldn't be with you.
   I've got a life now and that's the important part. I have to hold onto it. That's why I won't stop you. I won't make the same mistakes.
   What I wouldn't give to have one last night. No one watching us, no guilt, just us. If I could kiss you without worry just one last time. In my dreams, I have you. In my dreams, we can be together and that will have to be what I settle for. My life is healthy now but for some reason, I yearn for the pain of your love. I'll dream of you.
   It's painful, the way I love you. Is love supposed to hurt?