Texts in the Middle of the Night

         It hurts to be in love. You'd think that I would stop falling in love after enough times of getting my heart broke. Maybe I'm addicted to it. Maybe it's my fate to keep falling in love over and over again, getting my heart broke like Sisyphus. 

        I know it's something in me that's broken. I can't love myself but I can throw myself into fire for someone else. I can walk across coals for someone to hold me. I cannot fathom being someone's favorite person. I do not understand what it feels like to be loved in return, loved in the same crushing and painful way that I love someone else.

        But I'm staring at this screen, it's 1am and we work in the morning. He's a thousand miles away. But even through this screen, I can feel myself slipping, tripping, falling into that dark pit of love. Back on the carousel, around and around again. I'm smiling at my phone, my heart skips when he texts. 

        I'm not healing. I'm not doing better. Because I'm falling for nothing again. I'm falling for impossible again. I'm falling again and smiling the whole way down. 

 

        I'm still a moron. I'm still broken. I'm in love again. Over and Over.

Marriage Won't Fix Me

 It's been a while. 

I thought I had finally found my happily ever after. I thought I was finally  going to see my own wedding. I had dreamed about getting married with so many other people, but I was finally going to see it. Someone finally proposed to me of all people.

But the weight of the missing ring on my finger could drown me. The pain I feel, the hurt. I was ready to abandon myself for him. I was ready to cross all my lines to make sure I'd walk down that aisle. Piece by piece, I chipped away at my boundaries just so he'd love me.

It took so long for me to see what I had become and the type of marriage I would be in.  It's taken even longer to get up the nerve to leave. 

I'm looking down the barrel of a gun loaded with a life I want to life. I just have to pull the trigger and kill that last bit of this girl I created. Your new life will cost you your old one. 

I moved everything for us. I paid for everything for us. I said yes to everything I didn't want just so he'd stay. Yet he left. He left and told me build our life without him. He'd come back when I was done and he'd live in the happily ever after I built.

I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't give anymore. Maybe that makes me a horrible person, maybe I was supposed to stay and work it out. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep giving. I couldn't build our life alone.

So now I'm gonna move again. Back to my family and I'll build my life without him. Because I will never sacrifice so much for a man who wouldn't even stay for me. It's time to rediscover myself. What do I like? What are my hobbies? Who am I?

He broke me but he will not beat me. I will fly again. I will soar.