Damn

I've been waiting for months for you to tell me it was all a mistake. I was waiting to hear you call me, to see you. For even just a glimpse of something to give me hope. You left me with nothing. Now I feel like nothing.

California

Kissed me at a fountain. We planned or honeymoon with the water shooting far up. I found a new favorite cookie. We wanted to get a hotel right at that spot. I imagined a future where I would dance in my underwear with you. I would marry you. I don't want to think about marriage again because it wouldn't be you. It was always you but not anymore. It's not you who picks me up from work. It's not you who I call when I have a bad day. I still hold my breath when I think I might see you. Suck in my tummy, shoulders back and pretend that the sight of you doesn't tear me apart. I've been crying again.

It's Not Fucking Okay

I couldn't keep him happy. There had to be a reason behind it. I just want to die. The only person who ever loved me has turned his back. Who told him it was okay to leave me? I can't keep going on. Who does he think he is? He's not worth it. I'll scream into the sky. He doesn't deserve me but I need him. I want him. I want to see him, hear his voice. I want to walk away forever, never look back. When did I fucking ask for this? I'm broken, I'm hurt. I don't want to be here. I want to be there. Fucking call me! At least tell me to fuck off! All I want is to hear that voice. I want to held again. The beard, the arms, the spiral, the hands, the eyes. I want it all back. After everything I've been through, all I've done for him and yet, he can't hear me crying. He won't hear me. Dammit! Fuck off! Stop killing and give me something to fix. Give me something to hang onto. Fucking anything. I don't deserve this. I need him. Need to talk to him, need a hug. Jesus I am not okay without him.