A Double Love Story
I dare you to explain the twists and turns on the road to the life you want to live. I dare you to try and obtain the things you want without hurting others. The perfect life doesn't exist without someone out there being hurt. How will you move forward?
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
How Many Times Can I call?
Enough with the cryptic bullshit,
I know you're not reading this. I know you stopped caring. Why I keep writing in this damned place is beyond me. I want this pain to stop. Being with you is painful and being without is worse. I've made a life of myself and I've told you before, I'm not going down again.
How I crave the soft touch of your fingers across my chest and the pale light through the curtains. I miss the smell of your unwashed hair and how it felt to have you wrapped around me like a blanket. I was going to come back. I know better than that now. How did I become the one chasing your touch?
Kiss me again. Memories are my lover. I'll remember it all. I'll make love to the sweet image of our old love. Hot, hate and passion. I have no one to tell about you.
Fuck you. I love you.
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Toxic Love
There are still so many nights where I dream of doing things right. Kissing you when I didn't, choosing you when I didn't. The most painful, staying when I didn't. Maybe it's the pain of anyone who falls in love. Some days it kills me that I cannot kiss you. I want to find myself within you. I would've been anything you asked, if only I had known how to keep you. That night while camping or the bonfire. You could've been my answer but I ruined it. I ruin most things.
Now you'll leave. You've found someone who makes you happy again. I don't want you to go, I can't be alone again. Without you, how will I know who I am? Without you, what's the point of anything? I want you to be happy. I want to make you happy. I know I shouldn't be with you.
I've got a life now and that's the important part. I have to hold onto it. That's why I won't stop you. I won't make the same mistakes.
What I wouldn't give to have one last night. No one watching us, no guilt, just us. If I could kiss you without worry just one last time. In my dreams, I have you. In my dreams, we can be together and that will have to be what I settle for. My life is healthy now but for some reason, I yearn for the pain of your love. I'll dream of you.
It's painful, the way I love you. Is love supposed to hurt?
Thursday, April 13, 2017
I love him
I love him. I've come to terms with that. I love him even after everything. If I could, I would tell him, but that would ruin both our lives. I wish it didn't take so long. I wish I could've known sooner. I love him and I know that now but it's because I love him that I have to let him leave. He's gonna go find another girl, one who will see sooner than I did, that she loves him. He'll be happy. I want to be happy. And as my heart slowly breaks, as the days tick by till he leaves, I'll have only my memories of a million missed chances. We could've been forever but he'll be better off without me.
I've held on so tight for so many years. Kept him trapped close to me but letting him go means he can be happy. I'll be sad, missing him for the hole he'll leave, but to see him happy....hopefully that'll be enough. But I'll always love him.
Friday, August 5, 2016
Does He Know Who He's Dating
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
The Moment I Knew
It started as a fight. Not like a screaming match or a boxing ring, but a fight between us. It came to that silent part, the part where everything hangs in the empty space between. He whispered, just loud enough for me to hear, "I'm gonna fix it. I'm not letting this go south. I want us to be together." That's when I knew, I'm gonna marry this boy.
He's a dork. Doesn't give me all the attention I want. He is sometimes very loud when he's excited.
But now I know, all this heartache over a boy who was Mr right at the wrong time. All this pain over a girl who never loved me back. All the tears over a relationship that I kept piecing back together. This is the one.
I'm gonna fight for him, with him and beside him. He's the one.
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
A New Forever
I'm supposed to be asleep right now. It's late and I have work in the morning. I'm lying awake in my bed staring at what I can only think of as a blessing. A second chance. He's a lot like you until you get to know him. I'm looking at him right now while he sleeps and he's so handsome in the moonlight. We went to the mall together. It was to run an errand but he made it feel like a date. He makes me smile even when I don't want to. He's so nice to me. He's goofy and smart at the same time. God, I wish you could meet him. I wonder if you'd be happy for me? He's mine and I learned from you, I won't leave him. I won't give him up like I did to you. I'm sorry by the way. I hope he'll be my forever. We've made it this long.
Monday, March 14, 2016
Like the Stars Burn
I remember the pain in his eyes as he told me not to erase my picture. I remember the pain in his voice when he he asked me not to go. I put him through so much all because I never knew how much I needed him, how much I really loved him. I've tried to move on but a tear still falls when I think of what could've been between us. His love was pure. His love was real and for a short while, it was also mine. He met me at the wrong time, when I didn't know who I was, when I didn't know how to love. I miss him. Oh god,like the heavens burn, I miss him. We can talk now, small talk after everything but I miss our talks of the stars, how we would rule. If only we could've lasted. These last few threads make me happy, remind me how lucky I am to even have that, but I still wish for more. How selfish can a person be to destroy their love and then still want to broken pieces to put back together?